Learning How To Live
by Alix Zin
Summary: When Barney is diagnosed with cancer his barriers begin to crumble and the truth about his past slowly becomes revealed. Mild Doogie Howser crossover and co-written with Idioticonion and Jerseystrife. Winner of best crossover at the HIMYM 2008 awards.
1. Chapter 1

Co-written with idioticonion and jerseystrife.

Between the three of us and the two shows we still own nothing.

**May 2008**

"You haven't come to the bar in ages."

"Come on, Ted! I was there like, two weeks ago dude. Look, I told you I'm busy and you're just going to have to deal."

"Whatever. Are you okay Barney? Seriously? It's not like you to miss Friday nights."

Time was very precious in his life and Barney didn't want to waste what little he had left. A few weeks after the bus incident, a routine blood test had revealed that Barney's old leukemia had been taken out of remission status. In a different time and life, separate from who he was now, he had been a scared six year old in a big hospital, dying of leukemia. With the help of the best doctors his parents could afford, little Douglas "Doogie" Howser had lived and his leukemia had retreated. He had thought that chapter in his life was over, and all the problems were finished or tucked away. He certainly did his best to forget about his life before New York and Barney Stinson.

His past had come back to bite him in the ass because the cancer couldn't have come at a worse time. Now that he was in the prime of his life it felt like he was being robbed of what he felt he truly deserved—being able to live it up with no worries.

Creative scheduling helped him balance his doctor appointments and beginning chemotherapy treatments while maintaining his time hanging out with everyone and work. But the lack of time to relax and adjust to all the drastic changes in his life kept him constantly stressed out. His friends were already beginning to notice his lack of conquest stories. It didn't help that he had to cancel on whatever his friends had planned more and more frequently when they happened to fall on days where he had to go in for tests or needed extra rest. He didn't know what he was going to do when everything goes to pieces because Barney was under no illusion that he could keep this going forever. Something this big was too hard to keep a secret.

He knew all about keeping secrets.

"Ted. Ted. _Ted_--you aren't listening. I have something so awesome planned that it will top all the other Friday nights before it that it because it will be better than whatever lame thing is going on tonight at MacLarens. Picture this; late night club dancing in a tightly packed crowd with tons of hot drunk chicks looking for some New York flavor for their after dinner special. _Yeah_," Barney chuckled into the phone.

"_Barney_--"

"It's not like you never see me. Besides, you hate clubs. Later." Barney hung up, leaving the end call message to blink at him before wearily returning to staring at the wallpaper.

He was lying to everyone about something and it was getting harder and harder to keep up the general lie that everything was okay.

Sometimes he would think about when he had a friend who he could tell everything to, but Vinnie was no longer someone he could talk to and Barney no longer put that kind of trust in anyone after what had happened. He still followed what Vinnie was up to through google alerts despite the fact that they were no longer close. Vinnie's Hollywood career of being as a big time filmmaker was impressive and his loyal fans were truly inspiring with the amount of time they spent trying to find everything "Delpino". But Barney no longer wanted to connect on a personal level with his once best bro.

Barney sighed, tucking his phone into his jacket pocket. He reached up to loosen his tie and wiped the sweat build-up on his forehead. It was getting harder to be constantly on the move, he was beginning to get worn down. Between work, his friends and his problems he hardly had time for himself. He hadn't slept with a girl since the bus incident and the lack of release wasn't helping his stress levels. He noticed he was getting overly emotional about things to the point that it was distracting him from his day to day life. He needed rest and relaxation. Canceling on everyone meant he could avoid everything and just zone out in his room. Maybe he would even watch porn tonight just to release some tension that had begun to build up.

His pocket suddenly vibrated against his chest, startling him. Curious, Barney checked and the ID showed it was Lily.

"Go for Barney," he answered.

"Barney what the hell is wrong with you? Are you sick or avoiding us or something?"

He didn't know what made him decide to answer but now he regretted his decision. Lily sounded pretty angry at him. Maybe canceling tonight was a bad idea? He was just feeling so tired he figured one more cancellation wouldn't hurt.

"No!" He paused. He was sick but a man never admits that to a women. What could he-? "--Yes! Yes, I _am_ sick. I'm so _sick_ at how lame the bar is. We do the bar every Friday, and it's just dragging me down."

"Well I'm_ sick_ of you acting like you have better things to do. I know you Stinson, and you pick up more chicks at this bar than anywhere else. Get your ass here."

"Lily-"

"I'll buy you a drink," Lily sighed. He could hear her voice getting a little softer. She no longer sounded like she was reprimanding one of her kindergartners. "Come to the bar. We haven't seen you in forever. Even Ted is missing you hark on him and you know he hates it."

"Alright. Fine. You better own up for that drink, Aldrin."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
It was such a bad idea to come to the bar.

The offer for the free drink did not make up for the amount of bitching he was getting from everyone. No one was letting go of the fact he had not bothered to show up for every little thing in the last few weeks. The only one who wasn't at the bar to rag on him was Robin. Thanks to an unhelpful Lily, he received an angry voice mail from Robin about his behavior lately to make up for the fact she was not there to do it in person. He knew he couldn't leave despite the amount of bitching he was getting. Barney was still feeling rather drained and tired but he needed to at least keep up appearances and had a few more drinks than he should have.

He originally started out slow with just gin and tonic and then he switched to scotch. A few rounds of scotch helped him loosen up and let go of some stress. At some point he got a hold of some of the harder liquor to help compensate the fact he wasn't really participating in the conversation. It must have taken him a good hour and a half or so before he was quite drunk and stumbling on what he was thinking about and what others were talking about. Lily was the first one to really notice how bad he was when he tried to get up to use the bathroom and swayed dangerously close to the pillar next to the bathroom, using it as a momentary support before he continued on his way.

"Guys, I think it's time to call it. Barney is having enough trouble finding the bathroom and I think if he drank any more he might forget which way to piss." Lily poked Marshall. "You and Ted find him and take him upstairs."

Ted shared a look with Marshall. "Lily I think he's fine. He's upset with something but it's Barney. He'll eventually snap out of it. Besides, he's gotten a taxi on his own when he was this drunk before."

"No, something is really bothering him. I don't want to see him go home alone."

Marshall stood, shrugging at Ted. "Not a big deal dude, he could have your couch for the night. I know Lily left some extra blankets there."

When Ted and Marshall entered the bathroom, they immediately noticed that something was seriously wrong with Barney. He had stumbled into a stall, on the floor, and was puking his guts into the toilet, hugging it for dear life. He didn't even look up at them after he stopped. He just stared vacantly at the toilet.

"God Barney-" Marshall went over to the sink, pulling out a couple of paper towels and ran them under cold water before going to him. "Not cool man, I promised myself I would never do this again after college."

Worried, Ted moved to stand next to Marshall, unsure about what to do. "Great. Well this should be fun getting him into the apartment like this."

Barney jerked at the sudden cold on his face. He blinked a few times before his vision was clear enough to see Marshall crouching over him with a serious expression and a wet paper towel in his hand. "When did you get here?"

"Around the same time you made love to the toilet. How are you feeling?"

"Less than awesome." He leaned back, using the wall of the stall to support him as he tried to gather his wits about what was going on.

Marshall grabbed Barney by the arm and heaved, pulling his friend up pretty easily considering how heavy Barney usually was. Ted moved to the other side of Barney to help support him. Barney made a motion like he was going to be sick but held it back as he was steadied on his feet. "We're taking you upstairs. There's no way once Lily's letting you out of her sight once she sees you."

"M'fine, really. Just drop me in a cab."

Ted snorted. "Oh, yeah, sure. Not after seeing that display. I've never seen you get that sick. Come on."

"Ted, really-"

"No Barney, you're sleeping on the couch. End of story."

Marshall held the bathroom door open for Barney and Ted who had a tight hold on him.

"Oh god," Lily exclaimed when she saw them. "Is he all right?"

"I think so, let's just concentrate on getting him—" he was cut off as he felt Barney's legs go out from under him. "Come on man you're going to have to help me out a little."

Ted loosened his grip on him just for a second to reposition his weight and Barney immediately crumpled to the floor in a dead faint.

Lily shrieked "Shit," Ted said as he squatted down next to him. "I've never even seen him get drunk enough to puke like that, let alone black out."

"Barney," Marshall pleaded as he gave his cheeks a few slaps. "Come on man you've got to get up," No response, Barney just lay there in a crumpled heap with all three of them crowded around him.

"Move him to the booth," Carl shouted from across the room. "I'll bring over some water."

Marshall bent down and lifted his friend with ease; Ted moved to help him but he didn't seem to need any. Once he was laid on the booth of their regular table he leaned in to whisper to Ted so Lily wouldn't hear. "He's lost a lot of weight. I swear he couldn't have been much heavier than Lily."

Carl brought over the water and the three of them than proceeded to try to wake him by splashing the water in his face, shouting, shaking and whispering dirty things in his ear.

"What do we do now," Lily asked after they had gone several minutes without making any progress. "Will you be able to carry him up to Ted's apartment, baby?"

"It won't be a problem."

"Guys I think we should take him to the hospital," Ted said dead seriously after he'd bent down to feel his friends pulse . "Alcohol is supposed to slow down your heart rate, his is racing like he just ran a marathon. Besides I was watching him and he can't have had more than I did during the pineapple incident. Something is seriously wrong."

"Carl would you call an ambulance for us please," said Marshall in a mock calm voice as the barman came over to see how they were doing.

As they waited for its arrival all they could do was wonder what on earth Barney could have done to himself.


	2. Chapter 2

Ted rode in the ambulance with Barney while Lily and Marshall had to stay behind. There was not enough room in the ambulance for all of them and Ted had gotten into it first.

"What happened?" the emergency room nurse asked as soon as he saw them enter the hospital.

"We were just hanging out in a bar when he collapsed. He's been acting weird lately but still, this has never happened before."

"How much has he had to drink tonight?"

"A gin and tonic and a few scotches. Just a little bit more than he usually drinks."

"Anything else we should know?" he asked as he checked Barney's pupils.

"He threw up a lot before passing out. We couldn't wake him no matter what we tried. But what really made us decide to bring him in was his racing pulse."

"Shit! Let's get him to a room right away! I need a doctor over here!" The ER nurse said after checking his heart rate. Several people flocked into the room right away and hooked him up to a heart monitor and gave him an injection of some unknown substance. "Is your friend doing drugs or on any medication?"

"No, I don't think so."

"Has he been to this hospital before?'

"Yeah, he was in an accident this summer."

"Okay, then I need someone to bring me over his charts." As a nurse ran off to get them and they began drawing several blood samples, Barney began to stir slightly.

"What's going-" he whimpered.

"Shh, Barney it's okay," said Ted moving to where his friend could see him "You're at the hospital."

"Oh," he whispered before he went still and his eyes rolled back in his head

"We're going to have to call a trauma," shouted one of the doctors as she came back into the room and pushed some unknown charts into the other doctor's line of view.

"Page Dr. Oberlin!" Someone shouted in the sudden flurry of activity. "And get his friend out of here."

* * *

Lily and Marshall had been pacing around their apartment waiting to hear from Ted for a good hour before the phone finally rang.

"Ted? What's going on?" she asked.

"I-I don't know. We're still in the emergency room…. They won't let me in with him." He sounded terrible.

"Suppose it's because you're not family," she said, trying to sound reassuring. "Still you should stick around so you can take him home when-"

"No, that's not it," Ted interrupted. "I was allowed in at first but then they ran some tests or something and I was kicked out of the room. Now there's a bunch of people in there working on him. I can hear lots of panicked shouting but I can't…" His voice cracked and he went quiet.

Lily had suspected from the start that something was wrong. From the moment Barney had entered the bar he had looked ill; he was very pale and wretched looking. She had noticed a large bruise on the back of his neck and when he began sweating profusely he had unbuttoned the top few buttons on his shirt revealing another one on his chest. If Lily had to guess she'd say he'd recently been in a fight. But how would that explain what was happening now?

"Hold on, someone I recognize just came out of the room," Ted must have accidentally put his phone on speaker because she could still hear what was being said.

"Hey, could you please tell me what's going on?"

"I'm sorry sir but seeing as you're not his spouse or relative."

"I'm his best friend! He doesn't _have_ any other family in New York."

"All I can tell you is that your friend is very sick. Once we get his condition stabilized we'll let you back in. Until then you'll just have to sit tight."

"Lily?" Ted sounded completely lost.

"I heard. Do you have any idea what could be wrong?"

"No."

"Would you like us to come and wait with you?"

"No point. I'm just sitting in a crowded ER waiting room with a bunch of people bleeding to death. I'll call you as soon as I hear anything more." The line went dead.

"What's going on?" Marshall asked as soon as she had hung up the phone. He had been in the bathroom during the entire conversation.

"Something is seriously wrong," was all she could choke out before bursting into tears and pulling him into a hug.

Barney was the person that they'd always make fun of and often wish they weren't friends with, he was their punching bag. Every once in a while they'd be reminded why they loved him like when he'd gotten Lily to come back to New York or right after the bus accident. But even with the latter the affects wore off quickly when it immediately became clear that he was going to be fine. The idea that anything bad could ever happened to Barney never really crossed their minds. Nor did they think about what they would do without him. He was always taken for granted.

* * *

The next day, Lily and Marshall sat with Barney during the visiting hours. Ted had gone back to his apartment for some much needed rest. He had spent most of the night in the hospital waiting for news on Barney's condition which hadn't stabilized until late in the morning. Oddly enough, he was admitted to his own private room after the doctors pumped out all the alcohol from his stomach.

Ted told Marshall and Lily that if they hadn't instantly reacted to Barney passing out in time, he could have died. Lily decided to sit in Barney's room until he woke up to find out what exactly was going on and Marshall agreed to wait with her.

"What happened?" said Marshall as he hovered near the side of the bed. Lily had taken the chair.

Barney shrugged nonchalantly. "I drank too much. Not a big deal at all really. I'm fine, you guys should get back home. I'll be out in a while."

Lily rolled her eyes. "This is my bullshit meter," she gestured with one hand down low with palm level to the floor. "And this is it going off the scale." She raised the arm over her head. Marshall was nodding in agreement with her.

"Yeah Barney. You don't honestly expect us to believe you, of all people, wouldn't know your alcohol limit? Come on."

Barney snorted, folding his arms. "I'm fine. You guys are overreacting!"

"Over-reacting? I think it's justified with the way you were last night! You were so pale..." Marshall trailed off in thought.

"Hey kiddo." A kind-looking, middle-aged doctor entered the room. From Barney's expression, he seemed to know him well. "We need to talk about that stunt you pulled last night. You're lucky you didn't kill yourself. And I know that you're perfectly aware that you shouldn't have been drinking at all in your condition. What on earth was going through your mind last night?"

"Can we talk about this later?" he asked glancing, over at Lily and Marshall.

"No Barney, you're not," Lily snapped. "I think we deserve to know what's going on. Why shouldn't he be drinking?"

"Your friends don't know? Well I guess this sheds some light on the situation."

"We don't know what?"

"I can't tell you. Doctor-patient confidentiality."

"Go ahead, tell them," Barney grumbled pulling the covers over his head. "Just leave me alone and let me sleep."

* * *

Marshall made Robin and Ted call out of work because of a panicky message on their voice mails that couldn't really be understood because of how emotional he had been. He remembered saying something about Barney and the hospital but everything after that was rushed out in a garbled mess of words he didn't remember.

"Okay, what's the big emergency that you made us drop everything and come over here?" Robin asked slightly annoyed as she plopped down on Ted's couch. She had just gotten a new job at a news show and was anxious about having to skip. But she was beginning to get worried at how serious Lily and Marshall looked.

"Well we just got back from visiting Barney in the hospital" Marshall said after a moment. He was struggling for the next thing to say. Marshall didn't know how he could break this kind of news to anyone. He had no experience in dealing with a serious situation like this, especially when it was someone close to him. Even thinking about what he wanted to say tripped him up. All he could think of was how hard life was going to be and all the ways life could become more painful the moment he stated it. Saying something like this made it all seem more real and he didn't know if he could handle that pressure.

"Oh right, he got himself alcohol poisoning didn't he?" Robin said casually, relaxing.

"No. Well, his liver wasn't able to process all the alcohol Barney had drank. He was really sick because his body couldn't take it without his liver filtering it for him."

Robin sighed, tucking a stray strand of hair behind her ear. "You called me in a panic and stopped me from going to work because Barney drank too much?"

"This morning we spoke to his doctor...his oncologist," Marshall said slowly. He seemed to have caught their attention with the last word.

"He has leukemia!" Lily burst out, unable to keep it a secret any longer

"Wait, what?" Ted said, trying to process what was going on. "Since when? Why didn't he tell us?!"

"He found out a few weeks after the bus accident."

"Oh god," said Robin. "All this time…"

"What exactly happened last night?" Ted asked grimly.

"His spleen and liver are badly enlarged; he wasn't able to filter the alcohol from his body" Lily whispered. "Also all the chemotherapy he's been taking isn't supposed to mix with that stuff at all. It creates a bad reaction. He's lucky to be alive. No wonder he's been avoiding the bar. I never should have forced him to come; I could have killed him." Lily burst into tears.

"Hey Lily, it's not your fault" Robin wrapped her arms around her. "It's his fault for being such a douche and not telling us."

This only made Lily cry harder.

"How bad is it?" Ted said, starting to catch on.

"He, uh, has a type called Acute Myeloid Leukemia. I googled it as soon as we got home. The average five year survival rate is 30%"


	3. Chapter 3

There was something horribly comforting about hospitals. Was it the smell? The scent of freshly laundered cotton, bodily fluids, chemicals and, beneath that, of human desperation. Barney felt that he'd spent half his life steeping in the stench of hospitals. It had taken him the best part of nine years to get over that initial childhood terror - to regard the hospital as a home-from-home - until it had stifled him.

At nineteen years old, he'd had an epiphany. All his life he'd been rushing to cram as much in as possible, as if any moment the sword of Damocles (or was that the sword of leukemia?) could come falling down on his head to split his skull in two. Perhaps it wasn't a conscious fear, but it was something that drove him on and on; that lived in his gut and, well, it motivated him.

And since… Had he really thought that he'd live forever? Barney remembered vividly the day of his thirtieth birthday. He'd not told anyone - not even Ted. He'd stayed in his apartment all day and got so drunk he'd passed out on the bathroom floor.

Every single year since then had seemed like a gift. But why was he even getting these gifts? What in his pathetic life did he possibly have to live for? Why should he even bother fighting to stay alive?

"Barney Stinson," He muttered, delirious from the drugs they'd given him. "I'm gonna teach you how to die…"

**November 1996**

_The bar is cold beneath his clutching fingers. The salt wind stings his cheeks and he can taste it- _

_/the salt is from the Atlantic ocean. If he were Superman he could leap right into the air and fly, over the bridge and all the way back to Europe/ _

_-when he licks his lips. The salt wind is freezing and it numbs him; he's grateful for that. The bars of the railing seem too far apart- _

_/safety bars? There to keep things and cars and people from falling off the bridge in the high winds? But whoever designed them, well, their calculation was obviously flawed. A kid could easily slip through them/ _

_-and his right hand grapples for the next one, his frozen hot dog fingers hitting it clumsily. He tries to keep his eyes open but they tear and flutter closed against the force of the wind, which zings loud in his ears like a thunderclap- _

_/he hates his jumbo/dumbo ears. How many times did he almost go in for that operation to pin them? But Curly would never have let him live that down/ _

_-which is fine because everything here, on this bridge, is made of physical sensation: Cold, loud, painful, salty. Not thinking is a relief- _

_/although he used to love the way the world was so endlessly complicated. You'd find out one fact only to realize there were three or four new ones nestled beneath it. Like medicine - like when he would operate on someone only to discover that what he'd originally thought was wrong with them (and boring/easy) was actually masking something much more serious. It had been a challenge. It had been his life/ _

_-because all he's done for ten hours is think. Now he's here and numbing and he knows, somewhere in his brain that just won't SHUT UP that he can't possibly freeze to death here. But it would be nice to just be for a while. Just reconnect with his body and the world and- _

_/Vinnie was screaming. He didn't think he'd ever get that sound out of his head. That damn wind even sounded like him. Vinnie was screaming but still alive, Charles was silent and dead and everyone was moaning, fearful, except that one pair of eyes that looked into him, saw his soul and dismissed him. Doogie couldn't bare that; he couldn't bare the thought that he didn't matter/ _

_-let the world eat him up. Doogie sends himself adrift on that howling wind and closes his eyes tightly, imagining that he is floating, up and up and up and it is wonderful- _

_/because he didn't think Vinnie was ever going to talk to him again and so he thought he was being brave (foolhardy) in a sort-of childish way, but now Vinne definitely would never talk to him again and those last, hate-fueled words had cut him more deeply than he'd ever thought possible/ _

_-for long minutes. Then suddenly there is a buzzing, whining noise and the bit of his mind that just won't SHUT THE HELL UP is screaming in Vinnie's voice and he is crashing down to earth (the ocean) and falling so fast that the air is knocked out of his lungs- _

_/Vinnie was screaming - In pain? For help? He still doesn't know. Doogie can't sleep or eat or breathe and so he stands there, still, clutching at the railings on a lonely bridge in New York City because if he doesn't hang on, something (someone) was going to drag him down into hell/ _

_-and it feels like he's broken all the bones in his fingers as his whole body jerks back suddenly. His eyes snap open- _

_/This is all perfectly rational. It's a perfectly logical response to the loss of his best __friend and the friend he was just beginning to get to know all in one night. __How was he supposed to cope alone? Of course he has to go and get help. That is the reasonable thing to do. There would be some kind of drop-in center nearby. There would even be a psych unit at the hospital. He should check himself in before he does something stupid/ _

_-and he knows, Doogie knows in his soul that he will never leave this place, can never leave it. There is no future. There is no past. And the feeling of desolation (desperation) leaves him and there's a rush of warmth (peace) in its wake. He looks down. His foot rises up of its own accord and finds the bar- _

_/But there's traffic on the bridge. Someone will see him and report him and he'll get in trouble (again). He's got responsibilities (no he hasn't) and a reputation (not in New York) to uphold. And anyway, suicide is hardly the sensible choice. In fact, it's almost cliché! It's stupid! He's never been stupid. Not in his whole life/ _

_-and he reaches up and his hand finds the next one and there's only empty air above that. If he twists his body he can even wriggle through. The waves below him are barely visible, choppy and inky black- _

_/There will be pain because it will be like hitting concrete at the height he's falling from. And it'll feel like he's been crushed all over as he sinks beneath the waves. If he suddenly changes his mind, he'll go into shock and hypothermia and his limbs won't have the strength to get him out of it/ _

_-and the color reminds him of death and peace. This is so simple, now the decision is made, far simpler than he'd ever thought it would be. The voice in his head is quieter now, just a low whine. He'll drown it out with heavy water and falling- _

_/Stupid. Stupid. So he's depressed? He's not the first person to be depressed. Or scared. Why can't he listen? Why can't he stop this foolish- stupid- (oh god Vinnie)… Why can't he THINK? / _

_-but there's another car behind him, tainting the fresh air with oil and smoke and there's a squeal that he can barely hear through the roar in his ears- _

_"HEY!" A voice yells. Stupid, paltry human voice that thought it could compete with the elements. "What're you doing?" _

_/What are you doing, Doogie? / _

_He let's go of the bars. "Stay away!" He croaks - at the voice in his head, at the stranger who's approaching him. _

_/The stranger's got a caring face but he's scared, probably less so than he is but still…/ _

_"Whoa… here to help… step away… hurt," the stranger's words are like birds and he only catches the odd few over the roaring in his ears. Suddenly Doogie wants the pain; he wants it so badly that the terror pours out of him like vomit. _

_"Yeah, well I do." He whispers into the darkness, daring it to shout back- _

_/His hair is in his eyes - why in the hell had he cut it? The man with the caring face looks horrified/ _

_"So just mind your own damn business," He loses focus, grappling quickly at the railing and hauling himself up, arm over arm, and then something (someone) grabs him and there's a tightness in his chest and he's going down (to hell) just as he thought he would- _

_/Stupid religious nonsense. What are you thinking? What the hell are you thin-/ _

_"Let me go!" he screams desperately "I want to die!" He sobs and fights like a cat in a bag, clawing and cursing and crying until he's exhausted and even the voice in his head has stopped protesting. _

_"Hi, my name's James. What's yours?" The man says. _

_Words. What are they? What do they mean? The man's holding him, moving him, taking him by the arm. _

_"Let's get you in my warm car." _

_He doesn't want to move. He wants to stay here. No, he wants to run. _

_There. _

_He's sitting in a car. _

_Doogie blinks. How did that happen? _

_"I'm not going to hurt you, you know. This isn't a kidnapping. I just want to keep you safe. Is there anyone I can call for you? A parent?" _

_Words. There's a chattering noise. For a moment, Doogie thinks that it's words in his head but it's not. It's his teeth. He clenches his jaw but still he vibrates. _

_The car is warm and the engine rumbles it lulls him so he closes his eyes. _

_Peace. _

_Finally. _

_He almost smiles._

**2008**

There was a pressure, a cool hand brushing Barney's (burning) hot skin. Fingers ran down his cheek and pressed firmly against his chin, tilting his head. He couldn't open his eyes. Oh god… he couldn't even open his eyes.

"Barney…" A soft voice, a breath drawn and caught as if it was painful even to say his name. "Oh Barney…"

He felt the kiss, feather-light, against his cheek. He could still feel that. Or if - was it real? Was he imagining it?

He opened one eye.

Robin laughed, a tear rolling down one cheek. She looked young - Robin-Sparkles young - her nose wrinkling adorably. Her eyes were red, he noticed, when his own managed to focus.

Nothing to live for?

She was smiling and, unbelievably, amazingly, _awesomely_, she kissed him again.

"Robin…" He tried to say, but his vocal chords had atrophied and his brain was pickled in brine and his lungs were just deep-sea sponges.

She laughed again, those eyes shining with tears. Those eyes…

"Just rest," she said, gruffly. He hadn't seen her cry since Simon. "Oh Barney…" Tears choked her once again. She bowed her head; kissed him on the lips.

He grinned, surprised his lips still worked, like her warmth had reanimated them.

*--*--*

The first time he woke up properly in hospital after collapsing in the bathroom of MacLaren's, his friends descended on him like a pack of vultures. Barney recoiled, trying to draw his knees up towards him, physically unable to fend off their hugs, their tears and their relieved smiles. But somehow they all began to realize that he was in distress because Ted fell in to his organization-mode, sending Marshall and Lily out for coffee and sitting Robin down on the chair beside the bed.

"Here it comes..." Barney muttered.

"Why didn't you tell us you had cancer?" Ted asked, his expression so comically sincere that Barney couldn't help but let out a bark of laughter.

"Ted, what difference does it make? You couldn't have done anything. It's not like I haven't been going for treatment."

Ted's voice actually wobbled as he replied: "We're your_ friends_! We could have supported you! Helped you!"

Robin stood up, her eyes flashing. "We would have stopped you drinking for a start. You wouldn't have ended up here, you selfish idiot!"

Barney grinned infuriatingly at her. "Wrong. Chances are, I would have ended up here anyway. I just took the scenic route."

She leaned over him and he couldn't help but let his eyes wander down, away from her face. "Did you wear that blouse especially for me, Scherbatsky? Nice! Although if you could just undo one more button..."

Robin turned around with a barely controlled "huff!". "He's okay," she said. "There's nothing wrong with him."

But Ted stood by the bed, one hand resting on the frame. "Barney, you don't have to always do everything alone."

There was nothing he could say in response to that. He was feeling fairly admonished until Marshall and Lily returned and the hugs and kisses resumed. Lily ushered Robin out of the chair so that she could pull it up to the bed and hold Barney's hand. He tried to pull it away but damn, that girl had a vice-like grip.

"You really scared us back there, dude," Marshall was saying. "Cancer... Wow... All this time. I can't believe you never said anything. You must have been so scared."

Barney rolled his eyes. He'd have given anything to have been able to walk out of the hospital right then. In fact, he was seriously considering bribing an orderly.

Lily was nuzzling his hand with her nose. "You could have died, sweetie. We could have lost you! You have to promise never do to anything so stupid again."

Barney sighed.

"Come on, dude," Marshall prodded him. "You know she'll never let up until you do it."

Under his breath, Barney muttered. ", Lily."

"There's a good boy." Lily beamed. She had the cheek to actually pat him on the head like a puppy.

"So, how long are they going to keep you in here?" Ted asked.

Barney didn't have the heart to tell them that it was unlikely that he'd get out for a very, very long time. "Are you kidding?" He said, hating the way his voice cracked and how tired he was already. "With all the hot nurses around here, why would I want to leave? The Barnacle's being serviced three times a day, knowwhatimean?" He gave them his best attempt at a sleazy grin but his hand fell away from Lily's back on to the bed.

"Baby...?" Lily asked, then turned to Marshall. "Perhaps it's time we let him sleep?"

She may have said something more, but someone threw the light switch in his brain and everything went dark in an instant.

*--*--*

The charts at the edge of Barney's bed listed all the medication he was on and what it did. His chemo-cocktail was a blend of various types of chemo-therapy with some new ones that he had never seen and at his request (demand), he got the ones with the lowest chance of hair loss.

Barney was having trouble keeping awake in between his medication.

His dreams were plaguing him with thoughts about the last time he spent a long time in the hospital. Thinking about the last time he had been in the hospital made him think of Vinnie and the long, lonely nights spent by himself in a dark room once all the visitors left. But he wasn't Doogie Howser anymore and he worked very hard to build up being simply Barney Stinson. He spent the last _eleven years _of his life being Barney Stinson. With his leukemia returning, he was constantly reminded that he was not Barney Stinson but the imitation. For the last eleven years of his life, he pretended to be someone else to run from his memories and now he was stuck in a bed with nothing to do but think about them. Barney Stinson never had to think about the past because he lived in the present. Life was simple and stress free as Barney Stinson while Douglas "Doogie" Howser had responsibilities, a PhD in medicine, and constantly, unrelenting pressure.**  
**  
His fight against Leukemia was a fight against his memories, against his old life, against changing his new one, and most of all, it was against going back to being a lost kid that was on the brink of suicide.

He didn't want to not be Barney. He liked Barney Stinson; his friends, his job, and his life. But there was still that lost feeling rising up inside of him that felt more and more like he was going to drown and there would be no James to save him this time.

**Nothing makes us happier than getting comments!**


	4. Chapter 4

There was no such thing as "private time" when you have cancer.

When he was younger, Doogie liked being around people who were constantly there to see him because they made him forget about what was going on for a while. They played games with him, made him cards, and surrounded him with other noisy children during the day. It was when he was left alone at night, his room dark with shadows on his wall with machine sounds beeping to lull him to sleep, that he realized he had to stay there for a very long time without his parents, and all the other kids were making fun of him for losing his hair.

As an adult, he hates the constant flow of people. There is always someone there to check on you, to poke you, to ask you stupid questions like "How are you feeling, Barney?", or to fluff your pillows to make themselves feel better because they were helping (and mothering). You always had someone waking you up in the middle of the night to take medication and to bother you when you were in the bathroom. It was annoying and frustrating. Books kept his mind active, it made time pass and he felt more productive which stopped him from going crazy from sitting in bed all day with no access to the internet.

In the hospital, there was never any time to have a moment to yourself because they needed to frequently check up on him. He understood why it was necessary because of the extreme nature of his leukemia, but that didn't meant he had to like getting woken at the usual 3am medicine call. The doctors and nurses never left him alone for long periods of time and nagged him at every moment to remind him of when he had to take his medication during the course of the day too. It was driving him insane. Even his friends never left him alone in his room and showed up at odd hours when they could.

It was Ted who caught him late at night in his room well after the usual visiting hours. He had been reading one of his more interesting physics books with a flashlight because it was easier to grab and hold than to attempt to hobble across his room to the light switch and not fall. Ted stopped at the door and stared at Barney who was propped up with several pillows and using his knees to hold the book up so he could use his hands to hold the flashlight.

"... Are you reading porn behind that?"

Barney cleared his throat, glancing up to Ted over the edge of his book. "Ted, when have I ever hid my passion for porn?"

"True."

Barney looked back down at his book, trying to ignore the fact he was caught reading something that wasn't porn. It was out of character for him to want to read outside the privacy of his apartment, to be that interested in something that he needed to know more about it at that moment. It was a flicker of passion that drove him to ask a nurse to pick up the book from the library because he had a question. He swore that his passion for learning had died years ago but here he was, a few hundred pages deep into a physics book because he had a question about something on TV and needed to know the answer.

Ted licked his lips and spoke quietly, "I just wanted to come by and tell you the doctors are willing to give you leave. You need to have someone around to watch you so they won't release you until you have someone."

Barney's fingers tightened on the book and the heart monitor machine beeped a little faster to the beat of his heart. He had to be constantly watched for the slightest change to his condition in case it worsened. To hear it coming from Ted, it sounded worse.

"You said James has Sam to watch and you don't want to bother him, and Lily and Marshall's apartment is too far from the hospital. I, uh, you know, you've always been there for me even when I didn't want you," Ted shifted his eyes away from him, his hand coming up to tangle in the hair on the back of his head. "But I told the doctors that I have an extra room and a place nearby. It's only if you want to."

He always forcefully protested that Ted was his best friend, but this was different. Ted was offering to basically be his medical babysitter for the remainder of whatever time he had left and it would probably kill whatever sex life Ted pretended to have. No words could explain how terrifying it was to know that there was very little Barney could do but relinquish his control over his own life and accept and burden Ted with that job instead.

**June, 2008**

By the time Ted and Robin came to take Barney down to the cab he had been waiting for over an hour. They had told him they'd be picking him up at three but had been pulled aside by his oncologist to discuss his medication, warning signs to watch for, bringing him in for treatment and the importance of proper nutrition and rest.

So by the time they came to fetch him they were both reeling from the knowledge of the full time job they had just taken on.

"About time." Barney grumbled but couldn't help beaming at them. He would never admit it but they could tell he was ecstatic to be leaving the hospital. Barney was wearing the same suit he was in the day he was brought in, minus the jacket that got ruined on the bathroom floor, and had clearly put a lot of effort into gelling his hair for the occasion.

"Your chariot sir." Robin grinned pushing the wheelchair over to the bed where he sat.

"I can walk."

"No way dude— its hospital policy. Besides we've been looking forward to wheeling you around,"

"Oh, very well." he climbed in and they began wheeling him to the elevator

"Did you get my stuff from my apartment?"

"Yup!"

"You didn't mess with my storm trooper did you?" he asked anxiously

"No dude, I didn't touch your precious storm trooper."

"Good... So did you find the books okay?"

"I did," Ted smirked "You're a very interesting person Barney. Most guys hide their porn behind their intellectual books, not the other way around."

"Can't have the ladies think I'm the type of person to settle down with. Did you get my suits as well?"

Silence.

"Ted?!"

"It's just not practical Barney. We've got no room to store them and there's no point in wearing uncomfortable suits that are too big for you when you'll just be lounging around the apartment all day. So yesterday I went out and got you some sweatpants and tees."

Barney was silent for a long time. They hoped the news hadn't just caused him to have a stroke.

"Ted, you're killing the Barnacle," he finally whispered once they made it outside to the waiting cab.

"Tell you what," Robin grinned as she helped him inside. "If you can gain back the fifteen pounds you lost this month I'll let you keep all your suits in my room."

"Not fair," Barney pouted.

Once they reached the building Barney threw a fit and downright insisted that they take the stairs rather than the elevator. And there was no way in hell he was letting either of them help him up.

He was embarrassingly slow going and by the time he had reached the second floor he was short of breath and holding onto the railing for support.

"Barney, you've been limping." Robin noted with concern.

"Sore joints." he mumbled. Actually all the bones in his legs felt like they were on fire, but he was not about to admit that. "Arthritis five!"

Robin gave it to him but her face twisted with worry. "We should take the elevator the rest of the way."

For just one more flight of stairs. That was just too pathetic for words.

"No, please let me do this. It's a pride thing."

But he had barely made it halfway up when he got lightheaded and collapsed to the ground. Angrily Barney banged his head against the wall. He'd likely have giant bruise the next day but right now he didn't care.

"Barney?" Robin asked worriedly squatting down next to him and rubbing his back. He hated that; Robin was never maternal or nurturing in any way. The fact that she was acting so out of character with him really brought home just how bad off he was.

As Barney sat on the stairway with Robin trying to regain his footing with reality he hadn't even noticed that Ted had left until he returned with Marshall in tow. He wondered what he was doing here in the first place.

"All right man, I'm going to carry you the rest of the way."

Crap. Now it didn't matter where Marshall came from anymore, all that mattered was what he wanted to do. Being carried was simply unacceptable. If he had to move in with friends so he could be taken care of he was going to start things off with a little dignity.

"Not going to happen," he informed them through gritted teeth. "I'd rather crawl up than get carried."

"Come on Barney, you're going to hurt yourself."

"No, Ted!" He had a feeling he'd be using that phrase a lot in the upcoming weeks.

"Hey, I have an idea," Marshall declared suddenly, "In college we used to have these frat contests where we'd have piggy back ride races up the stairs. Why don't we do that?"

Barney knew when he was being conned. He wasn't a genius for nothing plus while working in pediatrics turning something unpleasant into a game was the oldest trick in the book to get a kid to corporate. Marshall must have picked it up from visiting Lily's kindergarten class. Still he couldn't help but grin. When he was in college he had been so young he had missed out on the crazy stupidity of student life. So when Doogie's friends started going at the regular age he had been obscenely jealous. Maybe that was why he tended to act so insanely and childishly as an adult.

"Will we be racing against Ted and Robin?"

"Hold the phone here. There is no way I'm riding on Ted's back. He'll drop me," Robin yelped.

"Then I won't do it either," Barney said with a laugh knowing he was going to get his way. Grumbling Robin helped Barney climb onto Marshall's back before moving over to whisper something to Ted.

"Bet you fifty bucks we beat you guys to the top."

"Deal," Robin said and suddenly she and Ted began racing up the stairs, just running normally and not the least attached in the hot way he was hoping for.

"What?! They're cheating!" Barney howled. "You tricked me!" he kicked Marshall hard in the shins but he still wouldn't put him down even when they reached the top of the stairs.

With a pissed Barney still on his back Marshall flung open the door to the apartment.

Ted, Lily and Robin were all standing around a large pile of presents. All of them were wearing party hats and Lily was holding a homemade cake that read; "Welcome Home! (And get well soon)"

"We have to celebrate you getting out of the hospital, dude." Marshall said cheerily as he finally let him down.

They even had up the intervention banner. "It's for your cancer," Lily informed him "We're holding an intervention to make it go away." The whole thing was painfully corny. His friends were such dorks.

Still as they all ate cake and ice cream for dinner. Barney was so touched by his friend's devotion and sweetness he was fighting back tears. Even though most of the presents turned out to be lame lounge clothes he wouldn't normally be caught dead in.

Marshall and Lily stayed until almost nine at night. Normally they would have been longer but Ted was anxious about getting Barney to bed at a reasonable hour and had shooed them out.

Now he and Robin were cleaning up the mess they left from the party as Barney took a shower.

"You still all right in there?" he called out knocking lightly on the door he had insisted on leaving ajar.

"Yes Theodore! I was two minutes ago and I still am. Just give me one more minute and I'll be out."  
Reassured Ted went into his bedroom that he was giving to Barney (he was going to sleep on the couch) to double check that the bed had enough blankets and to leave a glass of water and Barney's pills on the bedside table.

"All right Ted I'm out!" he heard Barney shout. "Looks like I didn't drown or slip on a bar of soup and break my neck this time. I think I'm going to try out one of those horrific pajama's you got for me, but that doesn't mean I'm making a habit—"

He was interrupted by a sudden scream from Robin.

Ted raced out into the living room in a panic. The first thing he saw was Robin who was white as a sheet and looking like she'd just seen a ghost. Then he glanced at Barney who had a perplexed smirk on his face. He was dripping wet with a towel wrapped around his waist, and he had a tube sticking out of his chest. _Barney had a tube coming out of his chest._

Feeling slightly lightheaded Ted gripped the back of the chair for support and got a closer look. It was a thin, white and rubbery thing with one end coming out from just under his collarbone and the other two inches hanging limply against his torso.

"Barney… what is that thing?" he asked weakly.

"Oh this?" Barney said nonchalantly giving it a flick with his finger "It's my central line catheter. Had it installed almost a month ago. It's quite handy."

"Wh-what exactly does it do?"

"Saves me a lot of trouble. It's inserted in my major bronchial artery. Every time I need a blood test they just take it out of this thing. Every time I need an injection or IV it goes right into here. It spares me a lot of pokes and saves my little veins from the poisonous chemo."

"Is it permanent?" Robin squeaked with her face hidden behind her hands. She's always hated needles of any kind.

"It can stay in for about a year." Barney said grabbing another towel and rubbing down his wet hair "But it will have to come out sooner or later. Any more annoying questions?"

"Yeah, how do you shower with that? I mean- is it safe to get it wet?"

"Thanks to the wonders of gauze, tape and saran wrap it's not a problem." Barney shrugged.

"It looks like a snake coming out you." Robin whispered peeking at it through her fingers.

With a grin Barney picked it up and wriggled it at her while making a hissing sound. Robin shrieked and ran across to the other side of the room.

Roaring with laughter Barney sat down at the table, still wet and wearing nothing save a towel, and began drawing a snake face on it with black sharpie.

"Barney," Ted said sternly "It's getting late. You should get dressed and then get to bed. It's been a long day for you."

"Okay, Daddy." Barney said with a good-natured eye roll before bouncing off to the bedroom, still snickering at the snake joke.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Barney couldn't sleep. Even if it wasn't far too early and he couldn't hear Ted and Robin whispering to each other in the next room sleep still wouldn't be happening. Barney could never sleep well in a strange place, and even though this apartment had become his second home over the years the concept was still the same.

Any type of new situation such as this stressed him out; he didn't like feeling like he wasn't in control. And to say he wasn't in control here was an understatement. His cancer was in control, his doctors were in control, his friends were in control, but not Barney. Right now even Doogie was more in control of Barney's life than Barney.

He was further stressed by his attempts to stay perky and cheerful for his friend's sake. Even when he was humiliated on the stairs or by his central line. Even when he wanted to punch Ted's lights out when he tried to tuck him into bed. Even when he felt like shit. He was used to always putting on an act, he wasn't sure if he'd know how to do otherwise anymore, so why was this suddenly so hard?

Once he heard Ted and Robin finally turn in for the night he slowly slipped out of bed. As quietly as he could he began wandering around Ted's bedroom, carefully touching and familiarizing himself with every item in the room. There was something strangely.

**1996 **

_The apartment was filled with television sounds to get rid of the quiet atmosphere that had taken over. Doogie didn't mind the quiet but James had problems when the world was too quiet. He mentioned that when it was too quiet he would think about Barney and what had happened, and then he would think about what he could have done to prevent it. His mind would go through the same cycle. James told him that he had his brother in the back of his mind for the last few months. It seemed that when the urge struck, he would talk about him to the only one who would listen; the stranger staying with him._

Doogie wandered over to the table full of pictures. All the pictures were of James' family but the most prominent pictures were of Barney. There were even a picture of Jackie and Barney hugging but the frame was cracked. He wondered how many times it had been thrown into the wall. He picked it up, noticing Jackie was attractive, but had that air about her in the picture that reminded him too much of the air headed girls that used to be attracted to him when he was famous.

"She wasn't good enough for him," James muttered. Startled, Doogie jumped, dropping the picture. He thought James was still sleeping. "She made all those empty promises and then left him broken. He was just a kid."

Doogie shrugged.

James glanced at him then walked over. He picked up the picture and pushed the cracked frame back together before setting it down properly."Sometimes I feel like I didn't do enough, I didn't react fast enough, I didn't notice the signs, I could have fixed him." His knuckles were turning white as he gripped the frame of the picture. "I could have saved him."

James sucked in a breath. He turned to face Doogie, his face troubled and his eyes were watering, but no tears fell.

"But I found you. I reacted."


	5. Chapter 5

_FYI: This is the chapter the chapter that earned us the M rating. _

Barney held the pillow to his mouth, using it to muffle the little "Ah-" sounds that would escape.

Barney would never deny he was a sexual animal. He used sex in the last couple of years in ways he had never dreamed of when he was younger and he didn't regret it at all. As a cartoonist once told him, it was the quality of the life you lead that makes it worth living, not how long you dragged out your lifespan. Sex was one of his hedonistic pleasures that helped upgrade his life from "okay" to "magnitudes of awesome". But cancer held him back, made him weak, and when he had his bad days, he ended up so hyped out on drugs that he couldn't form coherent sentences, much less think about anything sexual.

His right hand was under the covers, pumping in a slow, sensual movement that he used to tease himself. There was never enough time to be alone for long but he hadn't been able to release his growing sexual frustration in several weeks. Barney didn't know when he would get this much time to himself again. Both Ted and Robin were not home yet because Robin was on her way to work and Ted was on his way home. Both were running late which is why he was graced with precious alone time. He was going to use his time to his advantage.

He really needed the release. Even though he didn't feel the physical build up as much as he should because of the medication, sex helped him relieve a lot of his stress.

His thumb brushed over the tip and his hips jerked with the movement, groaning louder into his pillow. He tried to move his hand faster but his arm muscles were already beginning to shake. He was already growing tired and he wasn't even close. It was pathetic. Where had all his awesome stamina gone?

Barney tried to stretch out but the IV attached to his chest was tugged sending a sharp pain through him. The stupid thing was always in his way at the most inconvenient times. He switched hands to give his right hand a rest and let it hold the pillow while the other worked him over. His breath quickened as he teased a little more and began to work closer to release.

The front door opened and the distant sound of jingling keys signaled Ted was home.

The noise killed the mood.

Barney's hand slowed to a stop.

He sat there burning holes through his door to Ted. Barney snorted. His fantastic medical babysitter was back and nearly on time. What a bastard.

He withdrew his hand from under the covers and shoved his pillow to its place behind his back again. He leaned back on the pillows propped up behind him and sighed. What a horrible opportunity wasted. His moment of alone time passed and he didn't even have anything to show for it. His hand reached for his book that was on the bedside table.

The sound of the heavy book hitting the door drew Ted's attention.

"Barney? You okay in there?'

"Yeah, dude. I'm fine. I dropped my book."

**Early 1996**

_Doogie didn't know how it started but he remembered that he was in a corner of the club, the music loud and pumping out a primal beat with non-English words streaming over it. The room was over crowded, leaving little room to move around without being on top of another person._

_He remembered thinking the center of gravity for a woman was in her hips; the way the hips shift as they switch foot to foot, the sway of their body side to side showing off all their curves, the gentle bounce in their step as they walked towards you to draw attention to their upper body. Watching a man take that same step towards you from across the room in a busy club was very much different. The man's center was focused in his upper chest cavity, his hips didn't sway to attract attention downwards but his upper body moved, showing off the muscles. The man he was watching was full of purpose as he walked towards Doogie._

_There was a time lapse in his mind, and then he realized the man was crushed against him, a leg between his own as he introduced himself._

_"I'm Charles," he said, his voice taking on a husky quality as he spoke._

_Doogie was all arms and legs, awkwardly pressed against a wall, and a little out of breath. A hand came up to lightly rest on the curve of his hip, a finger brushed against the edge of his shirt. "H-Hi." Lips brushed against his ear in a butterfly touch, sending a jolt through him that he didn't expect causing an involuntary shiver, pressing him closer to Charles. "D-Doogie."_

_A low chuckle. "Nice to meet you, Doogie."_

_Charles's breath was hot against the side of his neck. Charles shifted, using Doogie's shoulder to hide his face, his body forcing Doogie to move in time with Charles' movement. "W-What are you doing?"_

_"Hiding. My ex just came in and you're in a dark corner."_

_"O-oh." His breath hitched when Charles pressed closer a moment later as a few people passed them on their way to the bathroom. The heat of a warm body was messing with Doogie's head, making him forget to think, to plan, to organize. All he could concentrate on was the feeling of Charles's leg against his hardening cock and the cold wall behind him._

_The hot kiss on his neck and the hand sliding under his shirt made Doogie startle, rocking him against the leg pressed into him. He groaned softly and reached up to grip Charles's shirt._

_Doogie suddenly didn't want to be in the club, trapped against the wall, against the guy named Charles, against the leg that was pressing into his crotch causing a reaction he never expected to get with a man. He didn't know if he wanted to shove him away and get out of there or do something else. But he gripped the shirt tight in his hands, balling up the material. Doogie swallowed, glanced around the man and hoped for a chance to escape._

_He didn't see Vinnie anywhere._

On his good days, Barney badgered Ted and Robin to take him down to MacLaren's. Ted was furiously against the idea; he wouldn't even hear of it. But Robin was a little more sympathetic. Barney could tell that he was wearing her down.

Also, it was easier to play on the heart-strings of Marshall and Lily. "Come on guys…!" He said, lying on the couch and giving them his most pathetic, pleading look. "It's only downstairs. I miss it! I don't have much to cheer me up these days."

Ted vetoed it every time until Barney upped the ante.

"So, Ted. You're saying you don't trust me not to drink again, is that it? You think I'm that stupid? I'm not going to touch alcohol. I know it would kill me this time, okay?"

Ted shifted uncomfortably and Barney flashed Robin a triumphant grin. She had the good sense to roll her eyes and keep her mouth shut.

"Okay, if you can stay awake for more than three hours at a time, we'll take you back to the bar, okay?"

Barney bribed Robin to give him a cup of very strong coffee and that night, they took him out for a field trip.

Well, a field trip down two flights of stairs to a bar they'd been in hundreds of times before.

His life was really _that_ exciting.

Trouble was, the bar wasn't anything like what he remembered. Barney wondered, a little incredulously, how in the hell he'd ever survived that bar without drinking. He was amazed at how much his friends drank. Even without the cloying concern (from his friends, the bar staff and most of the regulars) it was unbearable to be the only sober one when everyone else was drinking. He felt self-conscious, exposed and horribly, horribly _boring_.

No suit. No scotch. No cigars. He shuddered.

No, the bar wasn't _anything_ like he remembered.

At one point, after everyone else had downed three rounds and all he'd had was half a tomato juice, he seriously considered going back up to the apartment and hanging himself with one of his old ties.

This was no way to live.

Then Wendy approached him. She bent over, flashing her cleavage at him, and when she touched his arm he practically flinched like a teenager. All he could do was sit there, his mouth dry, while Wendy fawned over him, petting him, giving him a sad face and even kissing him on the cheek.

Robin caught his grimace and gave him a questioning look.

Carl was worse. He actually came out from behind the bar and sat with them. For a whole hour. And insisted on _reminiscing_. Jesus, it was as if he was already _dead_!

When they finally headed back to the apartment, Ted caught him dragging his feet and Barney practically took Ted's head off. He stalked up the stairwell, quickly leaving them behind, headed for Ted's bedroom and slammed the door violently behind him.

The next day, he insisted they take him to the bar again. This time, both Ted and Robin objected.

"Barney, you sulk. You bring everyone down."

"I do _not_! I'm just far too awesome for you guys. You're not used to dealing with it."

"We're only taking you down if you promise not to sulk, Barney."

"I do _not_ sulk! How dare you, Ted!"

"Barney, just give it up."

Barney went back into his room and threw himself on to his bed. He felt odd, like this whole situation reminded him of something. Like when he was a teenager? Because James was… James was… He closed his eyes tightly.

This was ridiculous. Unacceptable. There must be a way of getting around all this. The cancer may cripple his body but there was nothing wrong with his brain. He'd figure it out. He'd… Ah!

Barney grinned into the pillow. Of course! It was so simple.

* * *

The next night, Saturday night, Barney approached Ted and Robin, rather contrite and apologized for him behavior, asking them to please, please take him down to the bar.

"I'm going crazy, looking at these four walls every day."

"Barney," Ted sighed. "You said that if Carl said one more word to you, you'd smash a bottle of beer in his face."

Barney shrugged and Robin sniggered. "Don't be stupid, Ted. No-one's going to give Barney a bottle of beer to smash."

Barney scowled but then checked himself. "Just, please… It was a bit of a shock… yesterday. I'll be fine now." He let his voice crack. The sympathy card was pretty much the only one he had left.

They backed down, of course. And actually, Marshall and Lily were pretty enthusiastic about seeing him again. "This feels almost like old times," Lily said.

Except for the lack of suits, lack of scotch, lack of cigars and the fact that Wendy's boobs were the nearest he was going to get to getting laid.

However, he now had a secret weapon.

Through the night, as his friends got a little merry, he managed to sneak-swallow a couple of pain pills. They gave him a buzz, took the edge off everyone's sympathy and they let him smile more easily. As the evening wore on, he chugged a couple more, keeping him at their level and he even managed to join in with the raucous conversation. Just for a little while it felt like everything really was back to normal. He even accepted a drink from Wendy without chucking it over his shoulder. He figured that she wouldn't try to poison him now that he had a limited lifespan anyway.

By last call, everyone was unsteady on their feet so he didn't think they would notice how he could barely stand up himself. He just blamed fatigue.

He thought he'd got away with it.

Later, Robin came into his room and sat on his bed. The room spun around him and he couldn't help but grin and giggle faintly as she ferreted in his pockets for the vial of pills.

"Oh Barney," she said, tutting. "What the hell are you doing?"

He tried to wriggle out of her grip but she grabbed his chin and yanked his face around until he was looking at her. Her eyes flashed angrily.

"God you're beautiful when you're angry!" He blurted.

Robin snarled. "You bastard. You stupid bastard!" She looked as though she was going to cry.

Barney blinked a few times. Robin's face swam in and out of focus.

"You used your pills to get high, didn't you?" She ranted at him. "I can't believe you'd do something that stupid. If Ted ever found out, he'd lock you in this flat and never let you out again." She wiped angry tears from her eyes.

Barney opened and closed his mouth a few times, stuttering.

"Don't even say anything. But Barney, if you ever do anything so stupid again, I'm going to tie you to the bed."

Barney tried to grin. "Promises, promises, baby!"

Robin smacked him across the face - not hard, but it stung.

Barney shut his mouth. Even with the drugs numbing him, she made him feel ashamed.

Robin covered her mouth, glared at him and stormed out of the room.

For the next five days, Barney was on his absolute best behavior. On the sixth day, Robin forgave him.

**July 2008**

The three of them sat and watched an early Delpino movie, Barney wrapped head to toe in a blanket on the couch, Ted sprawled on the floor at his feet and Marshall on the chair next to them. It should have been just like old times, but the situation just seemed to hammer home just how much everything had changed. Assuming Barney had dozed off, Marshall and Ted were locked in a heated debate about how unfair it was that the director had made virtually no money out of his first four films.

"Morally," Marshall said, crossing his arms, "The contract was basically unfair. It's been challenged several times in court but, you know, the studios have big pockets and the system was pretty much against him."

"Yeah, but he must have made so much money since with all the other films. Especially that one last year?" Ted took a swig of beer, draining the bottle.

"Ted, that's not the point. Think of all the incredible work he could have done-"

"Marshall, at that point in his career, his films were basically about boobs and guns!"

Marshall laughed out loud. "Exactly! Think how many more, beautiful young women were deprived of working in the entertainment industry. It's a detriment to the economy of our great city!"

Ted hiccuped. He felt a little tipsy. There were five empty bottles on the floor next to him. When had that happened?

"Marshall, that's what you should do! Forget the environment, be a lawyer who helps struggling movie directors get out of bad contracts with their studios!" Ted grinned. "That would be so awesome!"

Marshall nodded his head. "Totally! I could have totally won Vincent Delpino a ton of money if I'd had his back!"

"No you couldn't." Barney's voice was muffled a little by the blanket but his words were clear enough. "Marshall, although the copyright laws err a little more towards the artist in the ninth circuit than they do here in the second circuit, basically the courts are on the side of the business. They'll rarely overturn a contract, no matter how crappy or unfair it is, if the artist has knowingly entered into it. Sure, the artist could try and sue for copyright infringement and sue for statutory damages but, Marshall, really? Are you advising anyone to go there?" He snorted.

Marshall thought about this for a while. "Yeah, I guess it was a pretty stupid idea."

Ted laughed. "Marshall, I think you've just been out-lawyered!"

Marshall chuckled. "I guess there had to be a first time!" He stood up, walking over towards Barney and ruffling his hair, which was the only bit of him poking out of the blankets. "When did you get to be such an expert, eh champ?"

But Barney was already fast asleep.

-------------------------------------------  
**1996**

_It was like Charles was haunting him everywhere. Doogie had joked to himself that Charles from the club was his dirty little secret but when he saw the man outside of the theater signing playbills, he shivered and wrapped his scarf around his neck a little tighter._

_"Doog, I was thinking that maybe we could go bohemian. You know, the real nitty gritty stuff that draws out the spark of creativity in us and sends us on wild adventures."_

_Doogie glanced at Charles, he didn't seem to notice Doogie yet, but to be safe he hunched his shoulders and crowded closer to Vinnie. He needed to herd him out of the area. Vinnie was still chattering away, oblivious to what he was doing._

_"I mean, we've been pretty calm about our adventure so far, but I think we need to branch out. I was thinking of trying to audition for things in the area and earn some extra dough."_

_"Theater? Vinnie, my last acting experience was in that class. There is no way I would end up on stage." They were passing the theater's side entrance to head to the little restaurant that Vinnie heard had decent food. It was bringing him dangerously close to where Charles was._

_"You had a major breakthrough! I mean, I could feel that emotion pouring off of you. I think you could do ensemble parts first, it's not like people are going to care how good you can dance or anything." Vinnie chuckled, thinking about Doogie's attempts to dance. "You can sing, at least. I know that."_

_"I couldn't help but overhear." Doogie jumped slightly and turned to face Charles. He tried to beg mentally for Charles not to recognize him without the smokey atmosphere of the club. "If you really want to try, we have a few ensemble members leaving for medical reasons. I know the casting director is putting out an audition sheet soon if you want to sign up."_

_Charles didn't seem to know him. Doogie didn't know if he wanted to be relieved or insulted. He was an excellent kisser and he knew the hour or two he was making out with Charles had to have made an impact. But Charles acted like he didn't know him at all._

_Still, even if he wasn't recognized, Charles was giving them a fun opportunity no matter how much Doogie didn't think they had a chance at all to make it on stage. It would make Vinnie happy to try._

_"See that Howser? It's our lucky day. Man, it's like opportunity just knocks at you everywhere in London."_

_Vinnie shook Charles' hand, thanked him again, and then started walking around the corner to the front of the theater. Doogie followed but couldn't resist looking back._

_Charles winked, smirking at him. He had recognized him but hadn't said anything._

_Doogie shivered and turned around to follow quickly after Vinnie. _

* * *

Lily stopped at the bathroom door, pausing for a moment to admire a half-naked Barney. He was staring at himself in the mirror, studying his reflection. As much as she would deny it, Barney was very attractive despite how extremely sick he was. Barney's muscles still bulged and showed off his form even with the amount of weight he had lost. She never remembered him going to the gym but he was really toned, but also a lot skinnier and paler than she remembered.

The only true disturbances to his otherwise healthy looking figure were the bruises that were scattered across his body. These weren't caused by a fight or beating as she had originally suspected, it was just from general bumps and pressure that occurred throughout the day. The cause was his leukemia tampering with his ability to clot; leading to frequent bruising and nosebleeds. They all had to be so careful with him to make sure he avoided injury. A testimonial to that was his right upper arm that had turned into one giant and badly swollen bruise. When she had first noticed it Barney had told a complicated story of how he got it but she knew the truth; that was the area where she always punched him when he made a crude comment. The guilt that for all the time that he had been hiding his illness she had been causing him harm on an almost daily basis was overwhelming.

Watching him looking at himself in the mirror, Lily noticed how he seemed older when he was by himself.

It seemed like a private moment she had walked into, one that caused her guilt to watch but she was just so worried about him lately. Barney was reading books even Marshall had trouble understanding and he seemed to be retreating more into his head. He was thinking a lot more than he usually did and that was a little scary. Barney wasn't a stupid man but he tended to be impulsive and a little crazy.

It was like Barney was growing up, but at the same time, it was like he had already grown.

She had originally ventured over when she noticed Barney was taking much longer then he usually did in the bathroom. She was worried that he was having a bad day after staying up so late the night before watching Delpino films. But she didn't interrupt or draw attention to herself when she noticed he was staring at his reflection. She watched as fleeting emotions flickered over his expression as he stared and Lily wondered what he could be thinking about.

Barney moved his head to the side, not quite looking at Lily using the mirror. "Lily. What's up?"

Lily smiled awkwardly, not sure what to say. She was caught staring.

Rolling his eyes, Barney bent down, starting the water in the sink so he could wash his face. "If you wanted to admire me, you only had to ask, Aldrin." He splashed the water on his face a few times before grabbing the small towel that was hanging up beside the sink.

He ran the towel through his damp hair, leaving it tousled and messy.

"I think I need a haircut," Barney said after considering his reflection again.

Lily raised an eyebrow, staring at his hair. The curls in his hair were getting longer and gaining volume because of its lack of hair gel. It was an odd look for Barney. Normally he was so chipped and clean cut, but to see him with curls like that made him look... cuter, more boyish. Younger.

It was a good look for him.

"I don't know, I kind of like it. It's different."

Barney made a face, staring at his reflection again.


	6. Chapter 6

"Hey Barn," Ted said sticking his head into the bathroom, "Would it be creepy if were to take a shower right now?"

"Go for it dude," said Barney, not looking up from the stack of papers he was reading. "There is not yet a Bro Code article against such an occurrence as of yet."

He was sitting on the bathroom floor right next to the toilet on a nest of pillows and blankets. Barney had such bad nausea when he got back from the chemo clinic that he began camping out on the bathroom floor for an hour or two afterwards. He had started doing this on just his third day staying with them after failing to get to the toilet in time when he'd lost his balance and fallen over whilst rushing from the couch to the bathroom. Ted had tried several times to have him lie in bed with a bowl instead but Barney had refused since then one of them would have to clean up after him. So he and Robin did their best to make him as comfortable as possible on the floor and provided him with something to read.

"Bro Code article 151: a bro shall not shower while another bro is in the room puking," said Ted with a grin as he stepped into the shower and threw his bathrobe over the curtain.

"With the possible amendment that it is allowed if the said bro is always puking in the bathroom in question." Barney added in cheerfully. It never failed to amaze Ted how well he was able to take this situation in stride.

"So how'd it go with Robin taking you to the clinic today?" he asked loudly over the sound of the water running.

"It was good fun. We played Battleship the whole time I was on IV Cytarabine."

"Yeah? Who won?"

"Neither, we both cheat. What's the occasion for this mid-afternoon shower, anyway?"

"I've got a date! So Lily and Marshall are going to be hanging out with you tonight while Robin's at work. Will that be-" He was interrupted by the sound of Barney retching. Ted winced, the sound a regular occurrence in this apartment, but he doubted he'll ever truly get used to hearing it. "You okay?" Ted asked awkwardly once it appeared that Barney was done.

"M'awesome."

"Anything come up that time?"

"Not much. I think I'm almost done. Will probably give it another fifteen minutes."

"So… are you okay with Marshall and Lily hanging out with you tonight instead of me?"

"Sounds fantastic," Barney answered, voice dripping in sarcasm.

"What's wrong?"

"You got me a babysitter Ted! A _babysitter_! You actually think that I'm so pathetic and helpless that I can't spend a few short hours alone."

"Well, look, it's not like that. I just thought you could use the company. Besides, if all goes well I'll be out really late. I don't like the idea of you being alone all night."

"Oh that's just great," Barney snapped "Ted's getting laid tonight while former sex god Barney Stinson can't even sleep without having some mother hen watching over him!" Barney yelled and slammed on the toilet flusher and suddenly Ted was scorched in flaming hot water.

"Son of a bitch!" Ted screamed in fury as he grabbed a towel to wrap around his waist and jumped out of the shower. "You did that on purpose!"

"It was an accident." Barney answered looking up at him wide-eyed, with a face of mock innocence before returning to his reading.

Ted was steaming both literally and figuratively as he marched over to the sink to rinse the remaining shampoo out of his hair.

"Are you reading internet porn?" he asked in a desperate attempt to lighten the hostile mood that had taken over the room.

"No," Barney answered stiffly "This is an article from a medical journal one of the clinic nurses printed out for me. It's the results of a clinical trial using All-Trans Retinoic Acid in pediatric cases of Acute Myeloid Leukemia."

Ted gaped at him. "What?"

Barney sighed exasperatedly. "It's about a possible new treatment for the type of cancer I have."

"Can I take a look?" Ted asked, grabbing one of the pages and glancing briefly at it. "Barney this is all medical gibberish! There's no way you can know what its saying. No normal person could possibly understand this."

"Well, clearly I'm not a normal person," Barney said, not even looking up from his reading.

"What do you mean by that?"'

"By what?"

"Look Barney, we've all been wondering what's been going on with you lately. You're reading all these smartass books, you imply you know more about your condition than your doctors, you're always kicking our butts at Trivial Pursuit even though you always lost a few months ago, you're out-lawyering Marshall…This isn't the Barney we've come to know and we can't figure it out. We've all wanted to ask you this for a while now, only…" Ted suddenly stopped upon realizing he'd said too much.

"Only I'm too fragile to bring it up." Barney finished bitterly. He stood up, swaying slightly and reaching for the sink for support.

Ted instinctively moved forward to help but Barney jerked away from him.

"I'm fine Ted!" Barney screamed. "Stop treating me like I'm made of glass. I'm still a fully functioning adult, not a child! You guys are always treating me like I'll die right on the spot at just the slightest pressure!"

"Well if you're such a grown up then why don't you have the balls to answer my question?!" Ted retorted.

"Because it doesn't matter how I know this stuff, I _just do_. I always have, it's not like it's something that just magically appeared. Why is it so important to you anyway?"

"Because you've made it important!" Ted shouted "Because it's a secret. Because you refuse to tell us what's going on. Just like you didn't tell us that you were sick. If it weren't for the scotch incident we probably still wouldn't know. And that really hurts! It makes us wonder what other bits of crucial information about yourself you've been withholding. And tell me something Barney, how can we possibly be friends if we can't even trust you to be honest with us about yourself?!"

With that Ted stormed out to his bedroom to get dressed for his date. But with every second that passed he began to feel more and more guilty as he thought of the look on Barney's face as he shouted that last bit at him. Now that he thought about it, he did rather look like someone who had just had their beloved puppy killed right in front of them.

But when Ted returned to the bathroom to apologize, Barney was gone.

* * *

"Robin" her producer whispered to her in between filming. "Your friend Ted keeps on calling. He says it's an emergency,"

She felt her stomach drop. Barney, it had to be about Barney. In her stressed out mind every bad thing that happened in the world was connected to Barney being sick. As she rushed backstage to call Ted on her cell phone a million horrible scenarios ran through her mind.

"What's wrong?!" she asked the second he picked up the phone.

"Robin?" Ted asked sounding like he was on the verge of hysteria. "Please tell me that Barney's with you."

That was probably the last thing she had expected him to say.

"No, of course not. I'm at work. What on earth are you talking about?"

"He's not here! I, uh… lost him."

"What do you mean you _lost_ him?"

"We had a fight. I went to my room for a few minutes to cool off and when I came back he was gone!"

Robin let out a sigh of relief. She had expected this to be some big medical emergency. But instead it was just Barney screwing with Ted by asserting his independence. It was almost funny.

"Ted, try and relax. I'm sure everything's fine. It sounds like Barney just needed to cool off as well. He probably just went for a walk somewhere. Check MacLaren's and the other nearby shops. If he's not back in an hour I'll come and help you look for him."

"An hour!" Ted shrieked. "An hour?! Do you have any idea what could happen to him in that amount of time? If he's not back in thirty minutes I'm calling the police."

She was wrong. Ted wasn't on the verge of hysteria; he was already hysterical. Whatever that fight was about he must be feeling pretty guilty.

"Okay, dude, first of all he's not a lost child. Secondly, he's been having a really good day. Before going to the clinic we went out to eat together and I took him shopping for some classier lounge clothes. The whole time he seemed really healthy and energetic."

"Which means that he's probably exhausted by now!"

Robin sighed again, this time out of exasperation. "How long has he been gone?"

"About ten minutes."

"Well he can't have gone far. Why don't you try running up and down the street screaming his name like a crazy person?" She resisted the urge to ask him in what universe did he think that Barney could have gotten across town to her work studio in that amount of time.

It was fun to tease Ted because he could get so intense about this sort of thing but as soon as she hung up the phone Robin began to worry. Even though Barney had an excellent day, he still got tired and short of breath when they were out shopping together. And he never voluntarily took a break, she always had to force him to sit down somewhere and rest. She shuddered to think what he'd be like on his own and angry.

With that in mind she decided to leave work early and return to the apartment to help Ted look for him.


	7. Chapter 7

When he awoke everything hurt. His heart was pounding and each breath he took came in as short gasps. Dimly Barney became aware that he was lying face down on a cold floor. Where was he? Slowly he forced himself to lift his head and he saw that he was in his apartment. His own apartment. He was lying at the front entrance with the door still half open.

How long had he been lying here?

He remembered that he had to get out of Ted's apartment. As soon as Ted left him alone in the bathroom his only thought had been getting out. He wasn't thinking straight but somehow managed to grab the wallet that Ted had left on the coffee table. When he stormed down the two flights of stairs his mind had gone so numb he didn't feel any pain. In the cab he had no recollection of getting into, he told the driver the first address that popped into his head: his own.

It had been over a month since he'd been to his apartment. It was a good thing he owned it so he wouldn't have to deal with paying the rent when he wasn't even living there. He remembered taking the stairs instead of the elevator as Ted or Robin would have insisted. Out of spite, he went up as fast as he could rather than take it slow. His heart had been racing and he could barely breathe but again he hardly noticed since he was running on pure adrenaline.

As soon as he unlocked the door and stepped inside his apartment it was like someone had flicked off a switch. The second he allowed himself to relax the adrenaline rush had ended. He must have blacked out.

He really should try and get up. Maybe move to one of his nearby arm chairs and watch a movie on his giant screen TV. But it was just too cold to move. His heat had been turned off and a window had been left open to prevent it from getting too stuffy. The last time he could remember being this cold was that fateful night on the bridge. But wasn't that during November? If he was feeling this way in the middle of July doesn't that mean that something is wrong? And more importantly, would James come to save him this time? That would mean another quiet time, which he didn't object to. It would probably do him some good.

Barney hoped that James would come soon to rescue him from the cold and everything else that was going wrong with his life. He rolled over onto his back and waited.

_Spring 1997_

Sitting with James and watching football was an activity Doogie never thought he would enjoy. The whole concept of watching football after what his father had said to him made him think of the conversation he would rather forget. It was an activity he had decidedly grown out of and he had stopped watching it. But when James had swung an arm around his shoulders, dressed in his team's jersey and a six pack in hand, Doogie allowed himself to be pulled to the couch.

Doogie had no idea who the team was or what the heck he should be cheering about when James would shout at the screen about what was going on. He hadn't been keeping up with the recent sport news and he hadn't been paying attention when the game started. The reason why he didn't just get up and leave when the shouting began to hurt his ears was the expression of pure enjoyment on James' face. It was a rare sight to see James really smile (and not the fake smile he did for his partying friends).

"Did you see that?" James popped open a beer, gesturing to Doogie as he kept his eyes on the screen. "What the hell was the ref thinking. Eh, Barney?"

Startled, Doogie turned to look at James.

James didn't seem to even notice what he said at first until he realized Doogie was looking at him and not at the television. They looked at each other for a few more minutes until half time was over and the game began again.

The momentary slip of the tongue was ignored in favor of keeping the friendly mood that had settled over them. But Doogie couldn't forget the look of happiness on James' face when he had forgotten for a short while that he had lost his brother. 

Barney had been gone for over an hour when Ted had noticed that his wallet was missing. By then Marshall, Lily, Robin and himself had combed every inch of the places he might have gone surrounding their apartment. They had even phoned the police but seeing as he was an adult with normal mental functioning they weren't sending someone over to talk to them until the next morning.

"He took my wallet," Ted announced in horror. "He must have taken a taxi! He could be anywhere! Oh god, this is entirely my fault. Why couldn't I have just kept my big mouth shut?"

"Did you have any cash in your wallet?" Marshall asked quietly. All four of them were now just slumped in the furniture in hopeless defeat.

"I borrowed it all before I left for work." Robin said quietly.

Instantly Marshall perked up. "That means he must have used your credit card. We can track that! Ted, access your account at Goliath National Bank!"

They all crowded around his laptop as he logged on to his account. "Okay, he's definitely taken a cab somewhere but, god damn it, he hasn't done anything else." Ted once again deflated in defeat.

"Now wait a minute," said Lily, "This does help us. We know he hasn't gone to any strip club or any other Barney haunts. And since he took a cab he can't just be wandering the streets aimlessly… His apartment! We haven't checked his apartment yet!"

"Good thinking Lilypad!" Marshall declared springing into action. "Come on let's go!"

As the three of them (Robin had to stay behind in case he returned) rushed down the hall leading to his apartment they were ecstatic to see that the door was slightly ajar and the light was on. Ted pushed the door all the way open and they all had to come to an abrupt halt to avoid stepping on the figure lying a few feet away from the door.

"Barney!" Marshall was the first to react. He bent down and started to lift him. "Come on dude, let's get you off the floor,"

"Don't touch me!!!" Barney roared with surprising force. He threw a punch at Marshall which managed to make contact with his face. It was far too light to cause any real damage but it got the message across. Lily hadn't even thought he was conscious.

They all took a step back from him, trying to decide what to do as he lay glowering at them. Lily, deciding he looked more pathetic than dangerous, was the first to approach him again.

"Sweetie, are you all right?" she asked as she slowly bent down next to him.

"Leave me alone." he whimpered. Lily smiled sadly; it looked like he had used up the last of his strength with that punch. She reached over to stroke his face but he jerked his head away from her touch. The brief contact was enough for her to assess his body temperature which was freezing cold. His lips were tinged blue and he was shaking with chills more than rage.

"I read on the bottle of that weird enzyme he was taking, aspar-something, that it puts him at high risk developing hypothermia," she told the boys nervously. "We really should get him off the floor and warm him up."

"Nooo!" Barney groaned but far more weakly than his previous protest. It seemed like he was getting drained of energy with every passing second.

Marshall didn't need telling twice, he scooped Barney up off the floor before he had a chance to even attempt to throw another punch. He quickly deposited him on his leather couch and took a step back, as though he was a wounded animal that would bite if he came in contact for too long.

Rolling her eyes Lily ran to his bedroom to retrieve blankets as Ted called Robin to let her know that they'd found Barney and that he was more or less in one piece. Because his one blanket was so small Lily also pulled all his sheets off the bed.

Carefully she sat down next to him and proceeded to wrap the sheets and blanket around his thin, trembling frame. Barney didn't protest but he didn't say anything either.

"You really scared us honey," Lily whispered, pulling him into a likely unwanted hug "We had no idea where you'd gone and were imagining all sorts of terrible things happening to you."

"Sorry," he whispered back, "Is James here?"

"No sweetheart, he's not," she said, her worry instantly tripling. "He's in California, but if you want us to call him and have him visit we can."

"No, no, no, no," Barney sat up as if suddenly broken from a trance. "Don't do that, he's really busy with his job, his husband and his kid. He's got enough to worry about. Besides, I talk to him on the phone almost every day."

"Hey Barn," said Ted stepping forward now that he saw he was returning to normal. "I'm so sorry about what happened. I didn't mean to offend you in any way. Everyone has secrets and they need to be respected."

"I'm sorry I flushed you. And for scaring you guys…. Hey, wait a minute don't you have a date right now?"

"Oh, I guess I forgot about it," Ted glanced at his watch. "We were supposed to meet forty minutes ago. Looks like I blew her off."

Barney looked horrified. "Oh Ted, have I taught you nothing?! Call her up and explain what happened. Chicks dig this sort of thing. You'll be guaranteed to get laid. It's like that old story of mine that I was taking care of my deaf brother, only a million times better. I should have thought of this story! Taking care of your friend who's dying from cancer-"

"You're not dying!" all three of them protested at once.

"-she'll think your awesome and have sex with you right away. And you'll have a ready-made excuse not to get into a relationship that actually makes you look like a hero rather than a douchebag. I bet she'd even be willing to become your full time booty call. I'll even let you have the bedroom for the night! And when she comes up I'll be sure to be asleep on the couch looking as pathetic as possible." He had exhausted himself with that monologue and fell back into the cushions. Lily put her arms around him and amazingly he actually leaned into her touch.

Ted couldn't help but laugh. "Does that stuff ever work? If my memory serves me right the time you had me pose as your deaf brother was a complete bust."

"Hell yeah it does! That time didn't work because you didn't do it right. Even if the story wasn't true I'd know how to play the part for you. Back when James was straight I used to play his mentally challenged little brother. Was a hit with the ladies."

Ted rolled his eyes. "I might call her tomorrow. Suppose it's not immoral if it's actually true. Come on, let's head back to my place. It's getting late."

"Why don't we just let him stay here tonight?" Lily suggested, "Both of us are tired, I can stay with him since I don't have to work with school closed for the summer." She could tell that Barney was still stressed and was in need of a break from Ted's place. His own apartment would be a perfect safe haven for him to get some badly needed peace and relaxation.

Plus she'd just gotten him to rest his head in her lap and she wanted to take advantage of the opportunity to play with those beautiful curls of his.

* * *

**Early 1997**

_Doogie had never thought of using his growing acting skills as a way for James to pick up chicks._

James was planning to score and needed help with a hook to draw the girls in. Doogie had no intention of involving himself in the ordeal until James had dragged him to the bar after forcing him to dress in slacks and a dress shirt a size too big for him. James made him sit in the booth for half the night and tried to spin tales about his mute brother needing to get out of the house. It didn't really work because Doogie refused to participate when he was dragged out of the apartment against his will.

That was how James had probably seen it. But Doogie had an entirely different thought process about the night.

Doogie smirked after watching James' fifth letdown walk away. She didn't deserve James, especially since her breasts couldn't even fill a wine glass. Totally unacceptable. He glanced over and saw that James was getting ready to leave. Without any luck, James was almost ready to call it quits. He looked very fed up with his friend's behavior and his refusal to enjoy himself.

Doogie suddenly sat up straighter and tapped James on the shoulder.

Doogie had been waiting until he spotted the girl that would meet James' approval. He had been categorizing which chicks James liked based on certain characteristics he enjoyed. She was the only one in the area around the table that met the requirements. Doogie wanted to get James a really beautiful woman to show how much he appreciated everything James did for him. Anything less than the best for the person that was willing to put up with all his crap was unacceptable. The tap on the shoulder was to indicate that he was willing to help out to James.

Unsure, but willing to try anything, James allowed him to draw the girl the next round.

When her back was turned away from him, Doogie made his move. He pinched her on the ass to get her attention. She made a startled sound and turned quickly to find the source. Doogie gave her a very dopey, but charming smile.

James slapped his hand. "Buddy! What did I tell you about pinching?" He looked over the woman, trying not to be very obvious he was checking her out. He smiled charmingly. "I'm sorry. Buddy hasn't really outgrown his newest habit of pinching to get the attention of beautiful women."

That was the beginning of Doogie's role as James' wingman.


	8. Chapter 8

**August, 2008**

Having nothing to do for hours on end except wander around the apartment, it was driving Barney insane. Apart from medical appointments, he wasn't allowed to leave since the "apartment incident". Ted, the fantastic medical babysitter, vetoed any further trips because he could lose his strength at odd moments. Everyone was too worried about him collapsing and being too weak to call for help. It was extremely annoying.

Today was a good day. Ted was hiding in his room, pretending to work when he was really drawing naked Leia pictures. He would be none the wiser when Barney decided to do something he hadn't tried in a while; Barney decided to cook. Cooking was an art and a pastime that he rarely indulged in because domestic qualities were too eye catching for a guy that wanted to only catch eyes for one night. When Lily had invaded his apartment, she had cooked the food he usually prepared for himself when no one was staying over. It hadn't smelled horrible or anything but it was something he liked to do and she had spoiled it.

Barney made sure the oven was pre-heating for a good while before he put the chicken in. He felt like roasted chicken for lunch. It was a lot of work to prepare but he was doing it in the middle of the day when he had the most energy. The fact that Ted had chicken in his refrigerator was a bit odd. As far as he knew, the only one who could cook out of the group besides himself was Lily. Unfortunately, he was not cooking naked. While it was a fun challenge to dodge grease and other hazardous happening in the kitchen, Barney wasn't going to risk falling onto hot equipment when his own equipment was hanging out to get burned.

After a while, Ted noticed the smell of good, non-fast food coming from the kitchen and decided to investigate. The sight of Barney standing in the kitchen cooking over the stove top and something cooking in the oven was unexpected.

"Barney? Are you... cooking?"

Barney turned, raising an eyebrow. "What? Can't a bro cook another bro some food?"

Ted blinked. "I guess. I never thought you could cook. Where did you learn?"

Barney turned back around under the pretense of checking on the food. "Heh, please."

It would be a little embarrassing to admit to the fact his mother taught him everything he knew about cooking. Besides, telling the secret would ruin the awesome view of Ted trying to think it out.

* * *

**December 1996**

_The first time Doogie had gone into Barney's room, James hadn't been home._

James was out with his friends at Club Something-or-other for the last couple hours. He distinctly remembered James telling him it was one of the many "bisexual" clubs in the area. James had this elaborate plan of using Jeffery, one of his guy friends, to draw in the straight girls who tended to hang out there and possibly get lucky. There was some kind of meter or law involved about the rate of getting laid times the amount of bisexuality you portrayed. He hadn't really been paying attention.

Barney had a lot of tasteful-women-in-skimpy-outfit-posters. Betty Page-like models in all stages of kink and fashion with their voluptuous bodies and wigs adorned the ceiling while the near-naked women gracing the walls had modern fashion. The rest of the room was very neat and various sport awards littered the dressers. Barney had been a state champion on his high school swim team in the backstroke.

Doogie sat down on the bed, noticing the small amount of dust that kicked up when he did. James probably never came in here.

"What are you doing?"

James was standing the doorway of the room. He had his jacket off and his tie was undone. James wore an odd expression that Doogie couldn't quite figure out.

James looked lost.

"Get out."

He didn't know what to make of James' behavior. James wasn't the type of person to speak in such a low tone.

Doogie quickly got up and nearly ran from the room. When had James gotten home? He didn't hear him and Jeffery being loud and obnoxious like they usually were after a few drinks.

"Don't go in there again."

James shut the door to the room and without another word, James secluded himself by going into his room.

That was odd. There was no lipstick on James' collar like there usually was after scoring with a girl after hanging out with his friends. And where was Jeffery? He always stopped by for a beer after clubbing with James.  
----------------------------------------------

Robin knew something was wrong the second she walked in the apartment. The entire atmosphere was strained as Barney was asleep/passed out on the couch and Ted was sitting in the opposite chair glaring at him.

"He won't take his medicine," Ted told her bluntly before being asked. "Wants to skip it today. We've been fighting about it for the past hour when just a few minutes ago he fell asleep mid-argument…. He's been having a really bad day; woke up exhausted and in a lot of pain. Then he had to the hospital for a bone marrow aspiration and later at the clinic it was one of those days where he was getting several rounds of chemotherapy. When I finally got him home he refused to take the rest of his meds seeing as they'll make him feel worse than he does already. I don't know what to do."

"You seem exhausted." commented Robin .

"I spent the day having to practically carry him everywhere across town, even though he didn't want to be helped and was attempting to fight me off.... So what do you think we should do about this medicine conflict? I'm too tired to think properly."

This was a tough call. Barney did look especially terrible right now. And there was no doubt that his treatment was often harder on him than the actual cancer; it probably would do him some good to take a little break. But of course his doctor (and multiple websites she'd been spending all her free time on) had explained to them how aggressive and fast acting his type of cancer was. Just one day off his strict medication schedule could be a complete game changer. And with the average survival rate being what it was, they certainly couldn't take such an extreme risk.

"Where does he keep his medicine?" she asked, finally coming to a decision.

"Top drawer in the dresser."

Robin ran off to Ted and Barney's room and returned with an armload of syringes, needles and vials.

"What are you going to do?"

"Just give it to him." She winced slightly as she stuck the needle into the vial to withdraw the medicine. She always hated needles and never could watch Barney inject himself, but here she was about to do it herself. With Barney still asleep, she carefully pulled the central line catheter out from under his shirt. Barney stirred and opened his eyes slightly.

"What up?" he asked sleepily, with such trust that Robin felt guilty.

"Sorry Barns, but this is for your own good." she said as she injected the Mitotoxantrone into the IV portal.

"What the hell?!" Barney sputtered, now fully awake. "Did you just-? How could you-? It's my body!"

"Ted," Robin snapped, trying to pull her only ally out of his shocked trance, clearly the option of giving this to him by force hadn't occurred to him "I need you to help me pull down his pants so I can inject him with the other stuff."

"What?!" Barney began to struggle and frail as Robin yanked off his sweatpants. "You can't do this! I forbid you! If you do this against my will, this is assault. And borderline sexual abuse, I might add!"

Both of them ignored their friend's threats and it was painfully easy for Ted to overpower Barney and hold him down. Taking a deep breath Robin plunged the needle into his leg and thigh muscle, which was already looking like a pin cushion from his daily injections. Once Ted released him Barney was positively shaking with rage, it appeared like words could no longer express his anger.

"It's time for your pills," Robin said, completely ignoring the looks of hatred she was getting. "Are we going to do this the easy way or the hard way?"

"We're not doing this at all." he hissed.

"Looks like I got my answer." she said to herself. Before he even had a chance to react, Robin grabbed him by the nose and tilted his head all the way back. When he opened his mouth of protest she popped the pills in and firmly pressed a glass of water to his lips with her hand that wasn't still holding his nose plugged. "If you want to breathe, you're going to have to swallow." she informed him.

Barney moved to try and bat her away, but Ted jumped forward and pinned down his arms before he even got a chance to try anything. So after just a few seconds of struggling Barney swallowed the pills and they were both able to release him.

"Mission accomplished!" Robin grinned.

Barney, meanwhile was less than amused. "I hate you both!" he gasped in between furious tears.

He wouldn't speak to either of them for the next few days, but they never again had a problem with him skipping his meds.


	9. Chapter 9

_**Spring 1996**_

_The auditions were not going as smoothly as Vinnie had planned. Doogie wasn't sure what exactly he had been expecting but it certainly wasn't the fact that Vinnie would choke as soon as the lights were focused on him. It was pretty bad watching as Vinnie struggled to form words and then stutter for a good minute or two on his lines before he was asked to get off stage. It was bad enough that Doogie felt like it was his own painful audition he was watching on stage. He couldn't handle that kind of rejection. At least Vinnie was taking it better than he thought he would._

_"I don't get it. I've been in major commercials before and I've been in tons of student documentaries. I even nailed it in that acting class." Vinnie's voice was muffled. He was trying to hide behind the seats in the theater so no one could see his face. He was that embarrassed._

_Doogie patted his shoulder in sympathy. He was nervous about being in the theater. Charles wasn't there as far as he could tell but he didn't want to take any chances. At least with Vinnie's failed audition, they could leave and maybe go joke about it over dinner. "Being on stage is completely different, Vinnie. All those bright lights are nerve-wracking."_

_Vinnie looked up, glaring at him. "Ha! Easy for you to say. You've been under bright lights all your life. This should be a breeze for you."_

_Taken aback, Doogie took his hand away. "What? You can't be serious. You still want me to audition? I can't act!"_

_Vinnie rolled his eyes and gave him a little shove towards the stage. "All those pranks you pulled required acting. You can do it Doog. Hell, just sing. It is a musical and you have a voice."_

_Doogie glanced over at the stage. Charles was nowhere in sight but the brightly lit stage and the horrible audition going on were building on the stress he had been in before even stepping into the theater today. "Sing? I can't do that. Too many people are watching." Charles could be watching._

_"You've never been afraid to be the center of attention before, Mr. Big Shot Genius." Another shove towards the stage. Vinnie was not letting him get out of this. What was he going to do? He knew he could sing but to do it in front of people and have them judge him on how well he did? What if he sucked? He didn't think he could handle that feedback._

_"Promise me we will leave after this and never mention tonight again."_

_"Yeah, sure Doog."_

_Doogie walked down to the stage feeling his stomach flutter, uncertain about what he was going to do. He always planned everything and thought out everything before doing anything. He never tried to do anything that could end with the possibility of failure. This was too uncomfortable, it was outside of what he knew and trusted. He didn't know anything about theater, about being bohemian and living it up. There were too many logical reasons to be absolutely sure he would fail. He was afraid of failure._

_He waited until his name was called along with the name of part he was going to sing. The walk to the stage was terrifying and the lights were burning hot and bright on his face. He couldn't see anyone in the audience once he was up on stage, not even Vinnie._

_When the pianist started to play the opening chords of the song, he swallowed the fear that was stuck in his throat and then Doogie began to sing._

_------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
_

"How's he doing?"

Barney was awakened by the sound of Lily and Ted talking in the other room. It always fascinated him to hear his friends discussing him. They didn't yet know that he was a light sleeper, so it happened quite a bit. Lily had insisted on taking care of him for the day in order to give Ted and Robin a much needed day off from Barney care. Leave it to Ted to pop in halfway through the day to check on him. He was glad he was shut in Ted's room, supposedly napping, so he wouldn't have to deal with him.

"I just put him to bed ten minutes ago. The poor thing just spent the last hour vomiting up the lunch I made for him. It really wore him out."

He knew that would happen. The food Lily made for him was far too rich, but she had put so much effort into making it for him so he felt obligated to eat it.

"Not anything new I'm afraid. I wish his doctors could find an anti-nausea medication that works for him."

What was different about today was Lily. Ted and Robin always allowed him to puke in privacy but Lily sat with him the entire time. All the while she had held his head over the toilet, wiped his mouth and sweaty brow, rubbed his back and had spoken lovingly to him. With anyone else he never would have allowed it, but with Lily it was different. Her mothering was so natural it was difficult not to enjoy it.

"He's been fine up till then. Besides the fact that all he spends all his time reading and never wants to talk. He's so withdrawn now."

Barney didn't mean to upset his friends, it's just that when it came to reading he didn't have a choice in the matter. The leukemia had released the floodgate holding in his Doogie persona and in addition to all those cursed memories he kept hitting him came the desire to know everything there was to know about the world. It had been years since he last attempted that goal, so he had lots of lost time to make up for. He was always making up for lost time, no matter how hard he pushed he could never come out ahead. What he could never figure out was why no one else around him ever appeared to share his problem.

"It's been getting better. I found that one of the best ways to reach him is to give him books on topics I know. Then I can discuss it with him and slowly turn the conversation to more personal topics."

So that was why Ted had suddenly started leaving his architecture books all over the apartment. The tricky bastard. Barney made a resolution to learn those books so well he'll be able to make Ted look like an idiot next time he starts talking about work. That will teach him a lesson.

"I'm going to look in on him before I head out."

Ack! Why did Ted have to be so over-protective? He quickly buried himself under the covers and pretended to be asleep. The door opened.

Someone pulled the covers off of his head. "He's so cute and angelic when he sleeps. I just adore his curlys," Lily whispered.

Oh _god_!

Ted's hand gently brushed his forehead and then went down to feel his neck.

"No fever, but his glands are still swollen. His pulse seems to be going a bit fast."

If Ted had any medical background he would have interpreted that to mean he wasn't really sleeping. Barney had been purposely getting only medical books that were far too advanced for any of his friends to understand. Otherwise Ted would have known what was feeling were lymph nodes, not glands. Barney smirked into his pillow—it was in his sanity's best interest to keep his medical babysitter as ignorant as possible.

"Don't worry; I'll take good care of him. You should get going Ted. Enjoy your day off."

"Yeah, okay," Ted said reluctantly.

Though he'd never admit it, Barney knew that Ted enjoyed taking care of him. It probably had something to do with his bizarre desire for kids and a family of his own.

"Lily!" Barney called out in a fake sleepy voice once he was sure Ted was gone.

"Sweetie, what are you doing up?"

"Heard voices. Who were you talking to?"

"I was just on the phone with Marshall."

It intrigued him that Lily didn't want him to know that Ted had stopped by.

"How are you feeling?" she asked.

"Stomach is better. Will you stay with me until I go back to sleep?" He was feeling guilty about worrying her by keeping to himself all morning.

Lily, of course, was delighted to do so and he got some nice Lily cuddles out of the deal. In many ways she was his favorite person to have care for him; sometimes she reminded him of his mom.

* * *

The Bro Code had originally begun as a joke. It was a gimmick he could use to draw readers to his new blog he had created, and he had never intended for it to be taken seriously. It was satire to snark on the overblown stereotype of womanizing men. He didn't really mean half of the things he said and most of the codes were based on personal experiences or stories he had collected over the years from listening to James' friends. But for Barney, it was used mostly as a means for him to stretch out his creative skills but not make him feel weird for snarking on his own built up personality.

He originally did not have most of the articles written down, he would just quote a random number and then say the code on his blog. Usually, said post would have extra pictures for explanations, rewritten history to suit his needs, or little doodles he created for the post. The fun little creative things he drew or thought up during the exceptionally long business meetings. But fans began to compile what he was saying. It wasn't long before his more avid blog fans began quoting some of his "Bro Codes" in their comments, replies, and emails to him. He was at first flattered, then he felt a little inspired, which is what lead to him writing it all down in one book. It also gave him something to do when he had days where all he could do was sit in bed because he was too weak to walk around on his own.

Barney finished typing the last few words before hitting the spell check button. His book was going to be a hit with his fans and would probably make him a decent amount of money to make up for what he was losing at work. He just wasn't sure what the hell he was going to do when Ted found out some of his more interesting articles and their explanations.

He chuckled evilly before shutting his laptop down. He would send the document to a real editor later. The internet was the best tool when wanting to get revenge on his overly protective medical baby sitter. After all, Ted inspired many of his more useful and hilarious adventures contained in "The Bro Code".

Ted should be flattered.

"Self-publish five!"


	10. Chapter 10

**September, 2008**

Robin made him soup.

She got him settled on the couch, put on her old, jumpy VHS copy of Die Hard for him to watch and cooked him soup. It was simple and nutritious and was basically a lot of chopping so it gave them time to talk, or just watch movies in silence if he was too tired. She could always tell if he was too tired.

Actually, the majority of the time he was too tired. But she always pushed him to eat.

They made a game of it. He'd ask her to do something (usually something unspeakable but fun) in return for him eating. Sometimes, usually the evening after a hospital appointment, it was hard to get him to eat anything even with bribery. Which was why she was cooking soup in her bra and jeans.

"Want something to drink?" She yelled out as she was stirring the pan.

There was silence from the other room so she came out of the kitchen, tapping the wooden spoon on her hand. She expected him to be asleep but he was wide awake and sitting up, grinning, his blue eyes too large against his pinched-thin face. "Hey, have you gone deaf now, too, as well as the cancer? Cos, man, that just sucks." she said, a little angrily. She hated how worried he could make her just by not replying.

He sniggered. "Nah, I just wanted you to come back in here. It's like my very own Victoria's Secret fashion show. Is that a new bra? Scherbatsky! Nice! Are you dating some new dude?"

She rolled her eyes. As if dating was something she could even think about these days, even if she had the time! As if dating was something she or Ted could think very much about? Although Ted seemed to be doing marginally better than she was. "As if I'd tell you, even if I was?"

He tutted. "Robin, Robin. I'm the first person you would tell. Come on! Have pity on a dying man-"

"You are _not_ dying!" There was a catch in her voice as she said it.

"-Who's only chance to get his rocks off is to listen to the dirty stories his best friend tells him."

Robin laughed then. How was it that he always managed to be adorable even when he was being a lecherous creep?

"There's no story to tell."

"Then make one up!"

"Barney, no."

"Then I won't eat your soup." He let out a dirty laugh.

"Then I'll put my clothes back on."

"Touché, Scherbatsky. Touché…"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------  
She got him into bed, trying not to be alarmed by how light he was now, how his bony elbows jabbed her ribs as she lay him back. "I'm cold," She complained.

He patted the bed beside him. "Room enough for two. Probably room enough for three, since I've lost about seventy pounds. Bring a friend?"

She laughed along with him. Dinner had been really difficult. She knew how he hated to be fed, especially when his throat didn't seem to work properly. Every mouthful had been a titanic struggle. At one point she'd considered showing him a nipple.

"Please," he said. "Robin. I won't try any funny business. Bro's honor."

She tossed her head, threw back the covers and got underneath them. They lay there, side by side, for a few minutes while she listened to him breathing, low and shallow.

"Can't sleep," he said, his voice gentle. "Tell me a story."

"Barney!" she said, warningly.

"Come on, tell me a dirty story. You owe me that much. What if you wake up tomorrow and I'm dead. Then you'll regret it. It'll be, like, all your fault?"

She laughed. She knew that she was the only one he did this to - this gallows humor. He'd never dare try it on Ted or Lily or Marshall- it would kill them.

"Faker. You're not going to die in your sleep."

"Promise not to jerk off, if that's what you worry about."

"You couldn't even if you wanted to. You can barely lift your arms, let alone get an erection."

"Scherbatsky!" he said, outraged. Then he lifted the cover, "Don't listen to the evil woman, Barnacle junior!"

She inched closer to him so she could feel his pajama bottoms against her bare legs. After a moment, she said. "Okay…"

He started and turned his head to look at her. "Seriously?"

She laughed at his reaction. "Yeah, I'll tell you a dirty story." He looked so eager, it was almost painful. Barney Stinson, reduced to this? She had to clear her throat to continue.

"So, there was once this guy I had the hots for. I met up with him in a bar. We went-"

"What were you wearing?"

"I'm sorry?"

"Descriptions are very important in storytelling. You have to describe everything."

"I was wearing a dress. Black and backless..."

"The one with those little silver stripes around the hem?"

How in the hell did he know that? She laughed. "That one, yes…"

"Bare legs or stockings?"

She grinned. "Suspenders and stockings, with five-inch black spike heels."

"Niiiiice!"

"Can I get on with it?"

He scooted over a tiny bit closer to her and she put her arm around his shoulder.

"So I'm dressed to kill and he sees me. He likes what he sees but he's too cool to show it much. I like that."

Barney chuckled. "Lame!"

"Oh, come on. You know how this works."

"So, you like a guy who's not all over you. Who's already got you a drink and knows what you need after a hard day journalizing, or whatever the hell it is that you do."

"What would I drink?"

"Martini. He gets you a martini."

"He's got good taste."

"Yeah he does." Barney grinned but she can see the edge of pain and exhaustion creeping over him, dulling those bright blue eyes.

"So we talk a little. And I ease one foot out of the stiletto and brush his leg with my stockinged foot. He smiles, like we share a secret, and he takes my hand and plays with my fingers…"

"He traces his finger over your palm and across your wrist."

"That tickles," she giggled.

"He leans forward and whispers in your ear, so close that you can feel his breath on your cheek," he replied.

"What does he say?" she asked, suddenly feeling a lot warmer.

Barney's voice dropped so that she had to move in close to hear him. "He says: I'm going to make you come using only my lips."

She couldn't help but snort with laughter. "He's dirty."

"Yeah, but it works. You're thinking about it. You know you are."

She was. She _so_ was. Why in the hell wasn't she dating? If Ted could find the time..? "Okay, say it works and he's got my interest. I'm not gonna go to his place…"

"Why not? You'd get to leave in the morning and never call him."

"What if I wanted to call him again?" Robin's chest tightened. There was a pressure on it, like a lead weight.

"He might not be around…" Barney whispered.

"So," She said, dashing a tear out of her eye before he noticed. "So, we go back to my place. I fetch us some wine. French. Red."

"Classy. But he's not thinking about the wine. That is, unless he gets to pour some into your naval and lick it out."

Robin giggled. "Maybe I'll let him do that…" But she could feel his body relaxing against hers and when she turned her head she could see his eyelids drooping.

"If you try and get some sleep, I promise to continue with the story tomorrow…" she cajoled him.

"S'not fair," he moaned.

"That's life," she said, pulling him close.

"Not for much longer," he muttered, before going limp in her arms, his breathing slowing to a steady, regular rhythm.

"Not if I can help it, buddy," she thought.

**Summer 1996**

_Charles was not what Doogie expected when he had to work with him professionally. He was completely different from the flirty, sexually charged man he had met in the club while he was on stage. When Charles was working, he was all about the character, about the musical, and focusing all his passion on the play to make it new and exciting even though he did it several times a week. It was the passion about his art which made Charles seem like a completely different person. The passion was what drew Doogie to him after the first live show they performed._

_He came up to him after the show as everyone was rushing to get out of costume. Charles was taking his time and Doogie assumed it was to avoid having to sign a million playbills once he left the stage doors._

_"How do you do it?" Charles had turned to look at him, raising an eyebrow that was still covered in stage makeup. Doogie swallowed and pushed away his nervousness. "Doesn't it get boring after several times?"_

_Charles shrugged before turning back around to look at his reflection in his mirror. He began to clean the rest of his makeup off his face. "It can be. The most challenging thing about theater is keeping yourself entertained. When you get bored, the audience can tell."_

_"What do you do to make yourself not bored?"_

_Charles chucked and looked at Doogie using the mirror. He let his eyes wander up and down Doogie's body, being very obvious he was checking him out. "I meet new people and they make the play seem shiny and new for me. For example, you have a very powerful potential for your voice. The only reason why you were tagged ensemble is the lack of confidence and technique. Well, that and the lack of open spots. Keep working and you could end up an understudy."_

_Charles finished cleaning his face and turned back around, leaning on the counter-top behind him. "I'd love to hear what that voice can do if it was trained. I could help you with a few things I picked up along the way."_

_Doogie raised an eyebrow, skeptical. "This has nothing to do with the.. uh, club meetings?"_

_Doogie didn't realize Charles was moving closer until he was backing into the wall._

_"I'm not going to deny you're attractive or promise that I won't imagine other ways I can get you to use that powerful voice of yours."_

_"But my offer is sincere." Charles' voice was lower as he dipped his head to Doogie's ear. His mind flashed to all the steamy make out sessions in the club and his face flushed with embarrassment and arousal._

_Lips brushed his ear, "Do you want to learn?"_

_Doogie was nodding as Charles took a step back like he had expected that answer. "Good. Tomorrow, be early. Private voice tutoring before the afternoon performance. You won't regret it."_

_There was no smirking, or anything sexual behind Charles' smile now. He seemed generally excited to be working with him. Doogie couldn't help but become even more curious about Charles. At first, the man seemed only interested in embarrassing him or making out with him. But now he seemed to sincerely want to help Doogie develop a talent he never gave any real thought to. He wished he could read minds because he was totally confused at the mixed signals he was receiving._

_Interpersonal interactions were never his strongest suit._

_----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
_

"Good morning Barney," Robin said cheerfully as she entered the bedroom with his breakfast. He was already awake and lying in bed watching the morning news.

"Hey, are you okay?" she asked upon noticing the beads of sweat on his forehead and his glassy eyes, two signs that she had come to recognize to mean he was in pain "Do you want me to go get you some pain meds?"

"M'fine," he mumbled in an uncharacteristically slurred voice. This made Robin stop what she was doing and examine him closer. He didn't seem to be watching the TV at all and his normally pale cheeks were flushed rosey red. Instantly her hand went to forehead which to her horror was scalding hot.

"Ted! Get in here!" she shrieked before turning to Barney and running a hand through his sweat-drenched hair "Sweetie, you've got quite a fever."

"Okay," he murmured with a slight smirk, not really hearing her.

"What's wrong?" Ted came bursting into the room with his hair half styled and tie hanging undone. He was in the middle of rushing off to an important meeting with a client and was looking stressed.

"Ted, he's burning up."

"What?!" All his previous concerns were dropped as he rushed over to feel Barney's forehead for himself. "Hospital. Now," Ted declared simply as he removed the covers and lifted Barney into his arms. Normally, Barney would have howled in protest but now he just stared blankly at them.

"Ambulance?" Robin asked.

"No, they're too slow. I'm driving him myself. Get the doors for me and call his doctor to let him know we're coming."


	11. Chapter 11

Several hours after rushing Barney to the hospital Robin and Ted were in a conference room with his oncologist, Dr. Oberlin, and an infectious disease specialist. Barney had been immediately admitted and was on IV antibiotics. He was currently unconscious but even if he was awake he would be too delirious to participate in the conversation.

"Okay, I'm going to start with the good news," began the new doctor. "He doesn't have septicemia or pneumonia as we initially feared. This is just an isolated skin infection on his leg from where he gives himself injections. It's the sort of thing that most of us would put some Neosporin on and forget about. The reason he seems so sick right now is because creating a fever is one of the few defenses his body has against infection, what with his white blood cells not functioning properly. Once the antibiotics start kicking, in his temperature should drop several degrees and he'll be a lot more lucid."

"So he's going to be okay?" asked Ted, hopefully.

"We believe so," Dr. Oberlin answered. "But bear in mind that his immune system has been severely compromised by the chemotherapy. We'd like to keep him here for a week for monitoring and keep him on high doses of antibiotics. Also we're going to have to stop all the other treatments in order to give his immune system a chance to recover."

"But didn't you say it was dangerous to just skip one day of treatment? What will an entire week do to him?!" Robin appeared horrified.

"It's risky," he agreed. "But if we don't do this, he'll be done in by a simple staph infection. We're just going to have to take the risk and hope for the best."

* * *

_The room was dark and everything was much, much larger than him._

Barney sat up in his bed and realized he was strapped to it. There was no light outside his hospital room door and everything had a layer of dust settled over it. He couldn't even hear the sound of the machines around him; they were all turned off with no power running through them. He was dressed in his pajamas and the straps binding him to the bed looked more like restraining straps used for crazy people in mental hospitals. Wiggling one of his wrists proved that his arm was skinner than it had been when the straps were originally tied to him. He freed his other hand and got out of bed.

The hallways were just as empty and lifeless as his room. He searched nearly all the hallways connected to his and they proved just as deserted. Where was everyone? Had he been forgotten? He stepped into one of the other rooms and when he looked out the window he saw James, Sam and Tom. They were holding each other and crying. Their suits were black and depressing and Sam was hiding behind Tom's legs.

Barney was outside.

No one noticed him when he walked over. The three of them were standing by a grave and it read "Barney M. Stinson" with lots of flowers all around it. It was dated 1996.

The headstone read; "To a Loving Brother, Caring Friend, and Uncle. Too Awesome to be Forgotten".

What?

Suddenly Robin, Ted, Marshall and Lily joined the others. They were grieving over the other Barney as well. They were dressed just as somberly, although Marshall was wearing brown shoes with a black suit (tacky). He looked around but there were no graves mentioning him until he found one a distance away under a tree.

This headstone read; "Barney D. Stinson." Under the name it said; "Almost as Awesome as the Original."

It was just as dusty as his hospital room. No flowers were around it, no disturbed earth near it. It stood apart from every other grave.

No one wanted to remember the imitation.

* * *

Barney could remember falling asleep to Robin's story and briefly waking up after feeling extremely over heated under his covers. He concluded he had probably fallen sleep again because of the freaky dream. But he did not expect to wake up at the hospital.

"What the hell?" was the first thing out of his mouth. Ted and Robin, who were sitting by his bedside, burst into tears and pulled him into a tight bear hug. It turned out that he'd had such a dangerously high fever that he had been out for almost a day.

He had missed an entire day. An entire day! Barney (and Doogie) had always lived his life as if each day might be his last, that there was an infinite "no tomorrow". Now that this really was the case once again, each and every one of his days became even more important. It was no good to be playing no-day-but-today when he spent one of them in a feverish delirium.

So Barney tried to make up for his missed time during the following week in which he was once again stuck in the hospital. When his friends visited he was extra peppy, cheerful and talkative. He flirted relentlessly with the nurses and amused himself by constantly second-guessing his doctors and showing off his medical knowledge that was vastly superior to theirs. When he was alone, he read so intensely that he had to keep sending his friends to the library to bring him new material.

He was constantly being reminded to slow down and allow himself to rest, but the advice was ignored. He was feeling better than he had been in a long time. They were giving him frequent blood transfusions to boost his immune system (something he argued against just for the sport it) and was completely off the chemotherapy; so at the moment he wasn't feeling any of the symptoms of the leukemia or the treatment's side effects. All he had to deal with was the infection, which really just felt like the flu minus the cough and congestion. It was a wonderful improvement.

Today was his sixth day in the hospital. His fever had finally broken early that morning and he was expected to be going back to Ted and Robin's place the following day, which will mean having to go back on the chemotherapy. The stress of the thought of more chemo was giving him a pounding headache.

"Die, die, die!" he shouted in the midst of a violent video game with Robin. They were very competitive with each other and he was losing miserably. His fingers had gone numb and were unintentionally slipping off the joystick. He kept hitting the wrong buttons or wasn't able to make his fingers move to them fast enough. The Doogie in him knew that this was a symptom he should probably be reporting, but Barney decided to just shrug it off as a consequence of being bedridden for so long.

The numbness spread to entire hands and he could no longer keep his hold on the controller.

"I don't want to play anymore. I think you're cheating," he declared, suddenly putting down the controller. He didn't want Robin know anything was wrong.

"Oh come on! You're just being a sore loser."

"Am not," he said, giving her a playful shove with the back of his knuckles.

"Are too," she reported, shoving him back as gently as possible.

"I'm going to make you pay for that one Scherbosky!" he yelled jumping up to his feet, with the intention of pouncing on her.

But suddenly Barney couldn't breathe. He tried taking a deep breath but the air wouldn't come. He choked and sputtered.

"Barney?" Robin sounded terrified.

He collapsed down to his knees. He managed to gasp in a few mouthfuls of air but it wasn't enough; he was suffocating. Distantly, he was able to hear Robin's frantic calls for help and was aware of a gaggle of people rushing into his room.

He began raking his brain for what could possibly be wrong: _mesothelioma, pleural effusion, bronchitis, asthma, silicosis, diffuse plural thickening ,COPD, pulmonary edema, broncopulmanary aspergillosis, pleurisy, TB, anaphylaxis, sacroidosis, severe anxiety,_

An oxygen mask was pushed against his face.

_bronchiectasis, pulmonary hypertension, asbestosis, hypoxima, heart failure, interstitial fibrosis, pneumonia, SARS, shock, alpha__1 __–antitrypsin deficiency, pertussis, pulmonary embolism, pneumoconiosis, ARDS, adenocarinoma, toxoplasmosis, myocardial infarction, epiglottitis, pneumonthorax, general dying… _

* * *

* * *

When Robin called Ted at work, she was in tears. He wasn't able to make out exactly what she was saying, something about a video game and air, but all he needed to hear was the key word Barney and he was racing off to the hospital. He had already missed so much work because of this, by now most of his sick days had been used up on Barney sick days. Thankfully, his firm was really understanding about it and allowed him to do a lot of his work from home.

The scene in the hospital room was far worse than he'd expected. Barney had on an oxygen mask and had another tube coming out of his chest. This one was sticking out of his side, was much thicker and had a clear reddish liquid coming out of it. He was awake, but looked deathly pale. Still he waved and smiled weakly at him through the clear mask. Meanwhile Robin had a tight hold on his hand and her face was still puffy from crying.

The second he took in the scene his voice stopped working properly. "What happened?" he asked, gruffly.

"He couldn't breathe. We were just hanging out, and suddenly he couldn't breathe. A bunch of them came in and stuck that thing in him, which started draining all this fluid from his lungs… He was still awake when they did it. They cut into him without any medication or anything…" Ted could tell that Robin was still in shock.

"I'm okay," Barney assured her, pulling the mask slightly away from his face so he could be heard. One thing that they had found out about him over the past few months was that he had a high tolerance for pain and discomfort. It came as quite a surprise to them; with all his fancy suits and manicures he was the last person they'd expected to be tough.

Robin's eye's filled with tears and it looked like she was going to say something else to Barney. She was interrupted by the entry of the oncologist they were getting to know far too well as of late.

"We've figured out what the problem is," he said, getting right to the chase instead of wasting time with pleasantries. "The blood tests reveal that Barney's developed—"

"Leukostasis," finished Barney, his voice slightly muffled through the mask.

"How on earth did you figure that one out?" Dr. Oberlin asked, looking utterly amazed.

"The drainage from my lungs… points to pulmonary edema… the injection the nurse gave me… ten minutes ago was a blood thinner… and the other symptoms I was stubbornly withholding." Barney had to pause several times to catch his breath.

"Oh kid, you are something else," Dr. Oberlin laughed, but Ted could detect some sadness behind it. "Never before have I had a patient even remotely like you."

"What exactly is this?" cut in Robin.

"Extremely high white blood cell count that leads to thickened blood. It can wreak all sorts of havoc on the body but luckily we were able to catch it early."

"Was this caused by the transfusions and other efforts to boost his immune system?" asked Ted, accusatively. Leave it to a hospital to mess up his medication and almost kill Barney the moment he was starting to do well.

"I wish that were the case. After this happened I called up the lab and had them rush the results from the bone marrow aspiration we took this morning. The results aren't good. His blast count is the highest it's ever been. Almost double the amount it was last time."

Ted grabbed Barney's other hand and Robin scooted in as close to him as she could. Neither of them were exactly sure what that word meant but they could still understand the meaning behind it. His leukemia was getting worse.

"We're going to start him on a whole new regime of treatments. It's going to be far more aggressive than before; we're going to have to keep him in the hospital for this. And no more of your experimenting, Barney. I don't care how much you kick and scream this time, if some of your medication is going to cause hair thinning you're just going to have to accept it."

Ted's mind was racing on overkill. Barney was getting worse..... they weren't going to be able to bring him home for a very long time.... and all this time he had been experimenting with his medication, with his life, all for the sake of vanity. In another situation, in another lifetime, he would have clobbered him.

"Also, I think it's time to start looking into a bone marrow transplant."


	12. Chapter 12

**October, 2008 **

There was something off, Marshall thought, something not quite right. Ted had picked up on it, so had Robin. It wasn't Barney's sudden increase in smarts, nope, Marshall had always suspected that Barney was intelligent. After all, he was the only one of the gang who could keep up with the rules of Marshall's convoluted home-made games. Marshall was saddened to think that he wouldn't have a chance to keep outdoing himself on the ridiculousness of game-night, which he basically kept up in order to out-fox Barney. Even when his friend had gotten sick, they'd still maintained the tradition because, well, normality was important to them somehow.

Marshall hefted Barney's laptop out of one of the packing crates of stuff they'd taken from their friend's old apartment. He wasn't snooping - he'd promised Lily that he _definitely_ wasn't snooping. No, it was just curiosity. After all, Barney must have some other relatives who might be a bone marrow match, surely? Even with his Mom deceased, there must be a way to trace Barney's relatives! Perhaps even his Dad? Barney was always so full of bravado, but if Marshall was in the same position, there was no way he wouldn't have tried to track his real father down. The most obvious place to start would be Barney's birth certificate, but he didn't hold out much hope for that.

Marshall didn't like mysteries.

He thumbed the power button and waited for the laptop to boot up, thinking about Barney's childhood. It was possible that his friend kept some information on his computer. After all, Barney was always a little obsessive about his interests (a trait they all shared; it was one of the reasons that they were such great friends!) and if he came up with nothing, there were other ways to trace people's blood relatives.

Marshall fired up a web browser and rattled off a quick email to a colleague of his at work, a lawyer who specialized in probate law who had access to law enforcement systems that allowed him to trace obscure relatives who were the beneficiaries of large estates. Knowing that the guy's reply might be a while in coming, Marshall, fingers strayed over the touchpad of the laptop, quickly browsing through Barney's hard drive.

Wow. That sure was a lot of porn.

Grinning and looking over his shoulder guiltily, even though he knew that Lily was at the hospital, Marshall skimmed through gigabytes of photos and dubious videos until he came across a folder simply labeled "Delpino."

Marshall couldn't help but grin. After all, a love of Vincent Delpino films was another thing that he, Ted and Barney had in common…

* * *

**2006...**

_"Marshall!" Barney yelled. "If you eat all the popcorn again, I'm going to slap you upside the face!" _

_Barney leapt recklessly across the sofa, launching himself across Ted until he managed to snatch the bowl out of Marshall's hands. Marshall made a grab for it and the whole thing overturned on Ted, sending the other two men tumbling on to the floor and covering their friend in hundreds of sticky yellow balls of toffee-flavored popcorn._

_"GUYS!" Ted yelled over the sound of Marshall giggling as he tried to sit on Barney's face. "Guys, it's the best BIT!"_

_Marshall let go of Barney long enough for him to sit up, all three of them suddenly hypnotized by the screen as the scene unfolded. At the end of it, they all let out a sigh, in unison._

_"Barney, are you crying?" Ted asked._

_"Only because Marshall nearly broke my nose."_

_"Dude," Marshall said, deadly serious. "There is no shame in shedding a manly tear over 'A Man's Gotta Do'. It's a classic piece of modern cinema."_

_Barney wiped his eyes hurriedly and muttered "Wasn't" while Ted clapped him on the back._

_"It's a good thing the girls never watch this with us," Marshall grinned. He said that every time, but still the others joined in._

_"You'd be so busted," Barney said._

_"Busted," Ted nodded. "But Robin's got a weird aversion to the Delpino oeuvre."_

_Barney and Marshall laughed at him._

_"There's a oeuvre?" Marshall asked, aping Ted's douche-y pronunciation._

_"Still, you never know," Barney said. "One day she's gonna see it, dude, and she'll know where you got the idea for the roses and chocolates and poems yadda yadda...", he continued, picking up his bottle of beer from where it had rolled across the floor in the scuffle, spilling the contents._

_"My poetry has been described as possessing a delicate, intricate beauty." Ted replied._

_Marshall scoffed._

_"Can it, Ted," Barney told him. "It's the bit where he shoots the boss three times in the head."_

_Marshall giggled and fist-bumped Barney. "Yeah he does!"_

_The three of them settled back down on the sofa in a companionable silence to watch the rest of the film._

* * *

Marshall smiled sadly as he scrolled through screen after screen of classic Delpino moments, as well as some rare interviews and deleted scenes. Trust Barney to have them on his computer so he could slack off at work. Marshall should totally call him on tha-

He shook his head. He guessed he wouldn't be calling Barney on anything he did at work - not for a long time at least. He swallowed, his mouth suddenly dry, until he came across a black and white piece of film that he'd never seen before.

It looked like a piece of amateur video made by some kids, two teenage guys and a girl. It was a kind of Laurel and Hardy pastiche and so cleverly done, with the young actors so engaging, that Marshall found himself laughing at the simple slapstick humor. He wondered what on earth it was doing in Barney's Delpino folder until he saw the credit at the end.

No way!

No way, no way, no way!

This couldn't be one of the famous "lost" Delpino college films that fans on the internet were always searching for? Marshall quickly opened up a browser window and did a couple of quick google searches on "Delpino", "Laurel and Hardy" and "College" and, sure enough, there were a couple of brief references to a silent film that Vincent Delpino had made when he was a student.

Quickly, excitedly, he watched the film again.

No shit! Barney HAD this? All this time? And he'd never told them?

Marshall didn't know if he should be incredibly angry or really, really happy. He itched to put the video out on the internet, but was a little worried. After all, how had Barney got hold of this? Was it illegal? Knowing Barney, it probably was.

Still, at least Ted could watch it!

Marshall scrambled for his cell-phone, pulling it out of his pants and clamping it to his ear. "Ted! Ted, you will NEVER believe what I just found-"

He was silent for a second as Ted started to speak.

"Oh, right. How is he? No… No- Ted, you've got to get over here RIGHT NOW! I'm not kidding, dude. Leave Lily and Robin there. This is more important! No, really, it totally is! I'm not telling you! Just get your ass in a cab and I'll get the beers."

Snapping his phone shut, Marshall practically bounced all the way over to Ted's fridge, snapping the caps on a couple of bottles of beer. He could barely contain himself for the next ten minutes while he waited for Ted. He paced. He watched the film once more. He laughed out loud. He re-read the web pages.

Hold it - was that actually Vincent "Vinnie" Delpino _in_ the film?

When Ted rushed into the apartment, Marshall was on the verge of a fanboy breakdown.

"Ted, ohmygod, youarenotgoingtobelievethis!" he squealed.

"Marshall!" Ted said, laughing at his friend. "Calm down. I can barely understand you."

"Dude!" Marshall said, standing up so that Ted could sit in front of the laptop. "You HAVE to watch this."

He hit "play" and Ted watched the film, a little mystified, laughing in all the same places that Marshall had a few minutes ago.

"I don't get it?" Ted said, but then his jaw dropped as the credits rolled. "No way! A _Delpino_? What is this? A college film?"

Marshall was jumping up and down, a huge, soppy grin plastered across his face. "I _told_ you this was huge!"

"Oh my god! This must be pretty rare, right?" Ted said. "We should show Barney! This would really cheer him up."

Marshall laughed. "Ted, that's Barney's laptop. He's had this all along and never told us!"

"What the hell?" said Ted, half rising from his chair. "Of all the low, snake-in-the-grass-! Why would he…?"

Marshall hit the "play" button again to shut him up and they both watched the silent film again.

"But this is- is-" Ted stuttered, unable to find the words.

"I _know_, dude!" Marshall agreed. "Want to watch it again?"

"You know I do."

They must have watched it ten times in a row, each time speculating more and more about how much Barney might have paid to get it, how incredibly young Delpino looked ("Where's the famous 'tache? He looks so wrong!" "Dude, he's fifteen!") and who the other two teenage stars of the film might be.

On the eleventh viewing, Marshall felt something strange happen, like when you stare at one of those "magic eye" dot-filled posters and suddenly it resolves itself into the empire state building.

"Dude…" he said tentatively. "Dude… I think that's Barney."

Ted laughed. "What?"

"The guy playing Hardy. The skinny kid. It's Barney."

"No WAY!"

"Way. Think about it - Delpino's a famous New Yorker…"

"Who's lived in Hollywood for about ten years…"

"Yeah, but he got his break in New York. So it's not beyond the realms of possibility. Whoa. Dude. Barney knows Vincent Delpino!"

Ted shook his head. "Not possible. It's not possible." But his voice trailed off as they watch the film again. "Crap. It _is_ Barney!"

"It totally is Barney."

"What the hell?"

"Dude. I know."

"Should we ask him about it?"

"Ted, I have no idea. I really have no idea."


	13. Chapter 13

**October, 2008**

It hurt a lot and it was all she could do not to not to yell and make a fool of herself in front of the hospital staff.

A few seconds before the needle went in, a nurse had asked her if she wanted to hold her hand and Robin had given her a withering look. What was she? Five years old?

Then they stuck it in her hipbone and all she wanted to do was scream the roof down. To think that Barney had to endure that on a regular basis! To think that he had to endure worse...? Robin was beginning to understand just what bravery was all about.

Problem was, now that she'd been through it, she couldn't quite believe how calm he was about everything, especially now, especially when things were so horribly, gut-wrenchingly bleak.

As much as Robin _really_ didn't want to go through that bone marrow aspiration-thing again (or any procedure where she had to flash her bare ass in one of those itchy damn gowns) she hoped from the bottom of her heart that one of them was a match.

Or that James was a match…

Ted had promised (behind Barney's back but, hey, their friend wasn't exactly lucid) to hound James about this. Despite Barney's protests that James really couldn't fly over, what with his responsibilities as a new parent and all, neither Robin nor Ted could believe that James wouldn't be here in an instant if he knew just how serious this all was.

After the procedure, when they'd released her, shaky and wobbling, into out-patients, Robin had walked right back in to visit Barney. She was now on a nodding acquaintance with all the nurses and walked straight in to his room, settling herself beside his bed and getting comfy, happy just to watch him sleep.

"What up..." he croaked cheerfully, not opening his eyes.

"Just had a needle jabbed in me, B," she said, easing herself back in the chair and shifting her weight. Damn it! She'd have a bruised hip in the morning.

"Hmm…" He murmured something that she couldn't quite hear, his voice thick and slurred from the drugs. "So," He continued, straining to form the words. "Where were we? In your dirty story… where were we?"

She laughed, lightly. "Come on! You're not up to it."

He forced a chuckle. "Scherbatsky, is that a bet? Because you know what happened last time…"

Robin found herself blushing. He had certainly found a deep reserve of energy when he felt the need to call on it. But right now, she was pretty certain that even his well of awesomeness had run dry. "Okay, okay. So… we were pretty much into the post-coital cuddling stage."

"Robin… Oh Robin…" he said faintly, making her grin. "Dudes do not cuddle."

This made her laugh. "I beg to differ, going on personal experience…" she expected him to interrupt her but he was silent for a long while, long enough for her to begin to worry. "Barney…" She whispered.

"Robin, just talk to me. I- your voice… helps…"

She swallowed, pulling her chair forward until the metal seat dug into her side, causing her to flinch. It rammed home to her what he must be feeling. "Barney… when you get out of here, I'll- I'll wing-woman you so- You can do all this for real. With any girl. I'll get you the hottest girl you've ever-"

The change in him was instant and terrifying. His expression changed - betrayal, anger then he closed down on her. His face was emotionless all of a sudden; guarded. With a voice that was cold as ice, he said. "Robin, I think you should leave."

What had she said wrong? Robin knew she'd said something terribly wrong. "Barney, no! I-"

"I'm tired. Just let me sleep."

It was like a blow to the gut. He'd never, ever, admitted he was tired just like that. She'd always had to tell him when he should rest. But somehow she couldn't argue with him because he sounded so awful and, _yes_, he probably should rest and save his strength.

"I'll be back later," she promised, but why did it feel she was being pulled through a grinder? It was painful even to leave him and every hour away from him only made it worse.

* * *

**Late-Summer 1996**

_"It's not the same thing Vinnie!"_

"You never go out anywhere. We're supposed to be on vacation and doing fun and exciting things. But supposedly you're always too tired."

Doogie held the payphone ear piece away from his ear as Vinnie ranted. He leaned against the wall and sighed. It wasn't his fault that he was so tired. He wasn't a very physical person and stage work was very physically demanding. Despite how sore he was from constantly moving around and how much bitching he did to Vinnie when he came home, he was having a lot of fun.

Charles came out of his room and looked around until he spotted Doogie. He smirked. "Boy problems?"

Doogie rolled his eyes and nodded. "Vinnie wanted to hang out, and all I want to do is go back to our place and crash."

With several weeks of being in a live production and some private voice lessons on the side, Doogie was beginning to understand just how much work went into being on a live stage night after night. Charles always seemed refreshed after a show, bouncing with pent up energy and usually dragged a few people out to do something after the show. But he had no idea where Charles found the energy to do so. He was always exhausted after the show which usually lead to Vinnie complaining about him getting old and how having worked long hours at the hospital he should be used to this kind of strain.

Charles rolled his eyes as well and came over, swiftly taking the phone from Doogie. "Vinnie? This is Charles, one of Doogie's play mates. I'm taking him out for a night on the town. I'll make sure he goes out with you tomorrow." He hung up the phone.

"You are? I am?"

"No choice. It's time to put that voice into action on a live stage where you get some real opinions." Charles grabbed Doogie's arm and started dragging him down the hall. "Besides, my date canceled and it was a bitch to reserve the karaoke bar table I got."

Doogie blinked, letting himself be dragged along. "Empty orchestra?"

"Mmmhm. Trust me, you need this."

He processed everything else that was said and his eyes went wide. "Wait, sing? In front of people? Just me?"

Charles laughed at Doogie's anxious tone as they exited the stage side door.

* * *

The next few days were like a nightmare.

Not that the previous month had been a walk in the park but something… there was something rewarding about looking after Barney, something that had brought them closer together. It was a hundred little things, a hundred half-said phrases and in-jokes and pranks between them that made it bearable. It was there in his eyes when he looked at her and at Ted; how, even though he hated being taken care of, he was slowly letting them in, letting them support him. Now he'd totally clammed up on all of them and retreated into himself. And he was so, so weak now. He was so, so frail and sickly that there was barely any Barney left within the mess of tubes and wires and needles.

It felt like they'd already lost him.

By the third day she found herself breaking down by his bedside as if she were seventeen again, her tears falling freely as she kept apologizing and pouring her heart out over his desiccated body and saying sorry for something that she had no idea how to express because he wouldn't (couldn't?) tell her what was wrong.

"Please, Barney. Please… don't do this. I can't bare it. I'll do anything to make it up to you. You're killing me…" she bit her tongue, realizing how horribly tactless that was. "What?"

She leaned forward to try and catch his words.

"I miss your soup. Your lumpy soup. At least it had some taste. I can't eat the stuff they serve here."

Robin sniffled and wiped her nose, before leaning forward to gently kiss his cheek.

"Aw, Scherbatsky. I never knew you cared," he said.

She shook her head in disbelief, her heart aching for him, for what he was. "Aren't you scared?" she managed to say. It was something she hadn't ever asked him before but it seemed appropriate somehow.

"No, not really," he said. "I've done this before."

She laughed. "Being hit by a bus is a bit different though, I'd guess?"

He looked confused for a moment. "Bus?" he said. "Oh, yeah. Right. Bus… Nnn…" This seemed to exhaust him and his eyelids closed. She continued to brush his cheek, carefully (his skin was so transparent and paper thin) while her brain grappled with his words and his tone.

He hadn't been talking about the bus accident. Barney had been sick, seriously sick, before. That's why he wasn't as freaked out by all of this as he should have been.

It hurt that he hadn't told her about it but it also wasn't surprising. In another time, another place, she'd have respected his right to keep secrets from her. But right now it felt like a betrayal.

That night she had a nightmare that Barney was back to his old self, sitting with them all in MacLaren's, just like old times. He'd gone over to the bar to hit on some girl and Robin had felt so scared that she'd wanted to vomit.

She'd woken up in a sweat and gone over to Ted's room even though it was still early.

Ted was already up and sitting on his bed with a stunned expression. When she'd asked him what was wrong, he told her that he'd just talked to James.

* * *

James hung up the phone, the early breakfast he had been preparing sat on the counter unfinished. When he had seen Ted's number on his cell, he was curious but not completely prepared for the accusing and verbal assault he had received. Barney was sick, really sick, and apparently he had been telling his friends that James had known but didn't want to disrupt his life to come see him. Barney was telling everyone that he talked to James every day about what was going on.

"James? Who was that?"

James turned to Tom, and something in his expression must have been upsetting because soon Tom had his arms wrapped around him. James hid his face in the folds of Tom's sweatshirt and held him close. The hug helped him focus on the love and comfort he needed after hearing the horrible news about Barney. Had Barney thought he really wouldn't come to help him? Or was this another time where Barney was trying to protect him?

"Barney is sick," he said quietly. Tom gave him an extra squeeze for comfort. "He has leukemia. He's been telling his friends that I already knew. Why? I would never let him deal with this alone, he shouldn't deal with this alone.."

Tom didn't speak up immediately, digesting the information. "I know you two are close but maybe that barrier of not talking about certain issues has sprung up for even just upsetting the status quo you two have. Maybe he didn't want to talk about what was going on because he was afraid it would upset you and disrupt what the two of you have."

James bit his lip, hiding the action in Tom's shirt. There were reasons why the two of them never spoke about certain topics or issues. But he had always thought that Barney would never hide something so important from him. That Barney have no problem breaking their unspoken agreement if it was about something that really mattered.

What was Barney thinking?

"I need to go to New York," said James, pulling away from Tom. "Can you hold up the fort with Sam without me for a while?"

Tom nodded and kissed him. "Yes, go pack. I'll book the flight."


	14. Chapter 14

The minute James stepped into the hospital he was pulled into a tight hug by Ted, who had been waiting at the door for him.

"I'm so sorry! I can't believe you had to find out the way you did. If I had any idea that Barney hadn't told you about this I would have called you months ago. Are you okay?"

"Not sure, just… would you please take me to see Barney?"

"Yeah, follow me... I-I need to warn you that he is not doing well. Before, when he was staying with us, he was still fully Barney in spite of being sick. Things are a bit different now….he's on so many medications."

They came to a stop outside a door. Ted opened it and stepped inside with no hesitation, while James hung back awkwardly. This whole thing seemed so foreign to him. Barney lay inside, appearing to be asleep, but it _wasn't_ Barney. He was far too thin and pale, attached to far too many tubes and wires to be his energetic and lively brother.

Ted went straight up to him and touched his bare arm lightly "Barney, there's someone here to see you."

Barney's eyes opened instantly and he shifted in bed as he glanced around the room in mild curiosity.

"I'll leave you two alone," said Ted, leaving the room. James suddenly wished he'd stay. He was scared to be alone with Barney; he was scared of his own brother.

"Hey little brother," he said softly, sitting down in the chair by his bed.

Barney blinked his eyes in quick succession and stared at him in utter confusion. He must have either forgotten or had not known he was coming.

"Hey," he said finally in a raspy voice

"You're not looking so good Barnaby."

"I-I'm sick." It sounded like he had to struggle to form the words. James was now fighting back tears.

"I know. I know you are, Barney. But it's okay, we're going to get you better." He ran a hand through Barney's hair which James was thankful he still had, even if it had turned into a tangled and unbrushed mess.

"I'm sorry," Barney whispered, appearing distressed.

"Don't be. You can't help getting sick."

"I'm sorry," he said again.

"For what?"

"I'm dying…. Failed as your brother…. Supposed to be the living one," Barney muttered sleepily, deliriously. His eyes closed as he began slipping back into the realm of unconsciousness.

"You're not dying," James whispered, picking up and squeezing his now sleeping brother's hand. He wished he could say he had no idea what Barney had been talking about, but he knew exactly what it was. It was something that James hadn't thought about for years….

* * *

**November 1996**

_It was only eleven at night but James was already driving home from the bar. His friends had been trying to get him to go out and have a good time, but the minute they got distracted he slipped away and went home. Just a few weeks ago he had loved that sort of stuff, but now he couldn't bring himself to enjoy it even slightly. Without his brother's presence in the universe, everything had changed._

_Suddenly he was distracted from his thoughts when he saw a lone figure standing still near the edge of the bridge. Alarmed, he slowed down and watched this guy closely. When the skinny blonde began put his foot up on the ledge to begin climbing up, James slammed on the breaks and got out of his car._

"_Hey!" he yelled running towards him. "What are you doing?!"_

_Startled, the man stopped what he was doing and turned around, allowing James to see just how young he was; he was in his late teens or just barely an adult, at best. What was even more__prominent was the look of utter panic in his bright blue eyes and the despair and hopelessness etched on his face._

"_Stay away," he hissed like a frightened animal, backing into the bridge railing._

"_Whoa, it's okay," he held up his hands and stepped towards him slowly. "I'm here to help. Now why don't you step away from there? I don't want to see you get hurt,"_

"_Yeah, well, I do," the blonde murmured, voice trembling. "So just mind your own damn business."_

_Quickly, he turned around and climbed on the top of the railing. But James acted just as fast, grabbing him around the middle and dragging him off the railing and away from the ledge. The blonde shrieked and tried fighting him off, but James was much stronger and could easily overpower him._

"_Let me go!" he screamed "I want to die!"_

"_No, I'm not going to let you kill yourself." Not again._

_The blonde continued to struggle and shout curses at him, but eventually went limp and just sobbed in his arms. It was lucky it was late and they weren't on a heavily used bridge. For if anyone were to drive over it, they would be in for a very strange sight. After about ten minutes of James finally released him and allowed him to sit up against the railing._

"_Hi, my name's James. What's yours?"_

_He wouldn't say. He just stared ahead with those terrified puppy dog eyes and trembled profusely, both from the cold and the shock._

"_Come on," James said at last, pulling him up by the arm. "Let's get you in my warm car."_

_He looked horrified and began looking around like he was about to bolt. But James kept a firm grip on his arm. He had decided to take the kid home with him for the time being. It was a little weird but there was no way in hell he was letting him out of his sight. James opened the door to the passenger side and forced him in, shutting the door behind him._

_When he got in from the other side he saw that the blonde hadn't moved at all. He would have been frozen like a statue if it weren't for the fact that he was still shaking._

"_I'm not going to hurt you, you know. This isn't a kidnapping. I just want to keep you safe. Is there anyone I can call for you? A parent?"_

_Still he said nothing._

* * *

* * *

James would never admit he nearly cried when the nurse took the bone marrow sample from his hip. He never expected that it would hurt as much as it had but he was willing to go through anything to keep Barney alive. James was aware that the odds of him being a match were very slim, but still he held high hopes for being a donor. He did not want to lose Barney to this disease.

He spent a few minutes on his phone with Tom, letting his husband him calm him down and putting Sam on the phone to distract him from the pain. He didn't want to sound miserable on the phone to Sam, who would only get upset from his tone. Talking to his son forced him to push past the pain.

"Alright Sam, let me speak to Daddy." Sam giggled and there was a shuffle and a crackle as the phone was passed back to Tom rather roughly.

"James, you alright now?"

James sighed, scratching the back of his neck. He didn't want to go back and face Barney now that he had gotten sampled. What would he even say to his brother? "I don't know. This is... I can't look at him, Tom. He's so thin and pale."

James couldn't even look Barney in the eyes.

Tom made soothing noises on the other end of the line. "I wish I could be there for you. If it feels too overwhelming you could always try talking to Ted and Robin. They were helping him the longest and probably understand how you feel."

James sighed again. "I know. I'm so messed up right now. He's reminding me of some of the.. darker times when he was younger."

Seeing Barney sitting in the bed, trapped by tubes, IVs, and beeping machines brought up unpleasant memories. Most of the memories prevalent in his mind were of his real brother and how he had ignored the signs of his unstable emotional state. Then his thoughts would move into the memory of picking up this Barney from the bridge and the long, lonely nights of trying to get through to him when he was crying on the couch, before he noticed James' presence. Or when he would look up at him with such empty eyes when he first found him, not speaking to him or acknowledging the world.

James didn't want to remember those times. If he thought about them for too long he was afraid he would be thrust back into that painful cycle of trying to figure out where he went wrong.

"It will be okay. Go out and grab a cup of non-hospital coffee and try to relax. Take a break from the hospital for a little while."

"I will. Kiss Sam good night for me." James really wished he had his lover here now. He needed a comforting hug and kiss to make him forget the past. "Thanks, Tom."

"You're welcome. Get some rest honey. I love you."

"Love you."

James hung up the phone, staring at it for a moment before putting it back in his pocket. He definitely needed something stronger than the coffee he had this morning to shake away these thoughts. Maybe he could sneak in a little bit of alcohol in his coffee from the cafe down the street from the hospital.  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_James certainly hadn't been planning on having this stranger stay with him but that was how it had worked out. At first he was just giving the kid a safe place to stay for the night until he could contact his family, but the next day he wouldn't answer any of his questions, he wouldn't say a word._

_At first his muteness really weirded him out, so James started talking to him nonstop just to fill the awkward silence and his monologue drifted to Barney. He hadn't been able to talk to anyone about what had happened in the previous month. Whenever he brought it up his friends would get uncomfortable and change the subject. So now that he had an attentive listener it all came spilling out._

_He started by telling him about his beloved little brother Barney, who had killed himself after getting dumped by his girlfriend and about all the pain and guilt he had been through since then. Then he told him stories of all the wonderful times they had together growing up, and in college before Barney broke their bro code and fell in love. Most of all, James told him just how awesome his brother was, how he had always lived in the moment and how much he missed him._

_James had no idea what to do with the boy. He wouldn't talk, but James knew he could. He had had no problem yelling at him on the bridge. James knew he wasn't deaf because he would always follow simple instructions and would listen, really listen when James talked to him. He seemed to be hanging on his every word. Every once in a while he'd even laugh at one of his jokes. But still he wouldn't talk. He wouldn't shake or nod his head when asked yes or no questions. When given a pen and paper and instructed to write down his name he'd instead drawn some weird, abstract drawing. So James started calling him Buddy. It started out as just an informal name like dude or bro, but then it stuck because he had to call him something. _

_At first James thought Buddy was just suffering from emotional trauma and shock. But with each passing day James became more and more convinced that the boy had some severe mental handicap._

_He wasn't a problem to have around; it was rather like having a puppy. All James had to do was feed him and he always seemed so happy to see him when he returned home, in a quiet and still sort of excitement. Then Buddy would constantly follow him around the house; he would have happily followed him into the bathroom if James let him. _

_But halfway through the second month he began asking James questions about Barney. James was happy to answer them but whenever he tried asking Buddy about himself in return, he would clam up and wouldn't talk again for several days. So James stopped asking him._

_Several weeks after he started talking, Buddy was joking around with him and talking about sports, movies, girls and bars. He became wonderful company. Still he continued to ask him questions about Barney, constantly following him around the house like a devoted puppy. Still Buddy would go mute whenever he was asked questions about himself, so James refrained from questioning him altogether ._

_James knew whatever Buddy was dealing with must be quite painful, because every night he heard him crying softly on the couch where he slept. But whenever James went to try and comfort him, he'd passionately deny that anything was wrong, with tears still dripping down his face._

_About six months into this strange arrangement, James returned home from work to find his houseguest wearing a beautiful new suit and grinning from ear to ear._

"_I got a job," he announced. "I bought this baby with my advance."_

"_Doing what?"_

"_Just working for some big corporation," he answered, admiring himself in the mirror._

"_Doing what?"_

"_Hehe, please."_

"_Do you even have the qualifications for this job- whatever it is?"_

"_Come on bro, it's me. I'm qualified for everything. I have a PhD in awesomeness!"_

_James started calling him Barney. He couldn't help it; his speech, mannerisms and entire way of carrying himself were identical to his brother's pre-granola phase. The slip of the tongue happened once and then it became a habit._

_One day when introducing themselves to the people who just moved in across the hall, he introduced himself as Barney Stinson. James didn't even blink._

_The only clue to Barney's true identity came when he overheard him shouting into the phone, referring to the person on the other line as Dad. A while later a woman called asking to speak to Doogie._

_James told her no one by that name lived here, but agreed to deliver a message to his roommate because she had been crying. He never did tell Barney about the call, but he did keep the piece of paper where he wrote down her name and number, hidden away with the rest of his gay interest magazines._

_By then James had already made up his mind. This was his brother reincarnated and come back to him. By saving his life he had passed the test and made up for his past sin of failing to save him the first time._

_So Barney had come back to him, in the form of a little white boy._

* * *

The morning of the test results was a very sober affair. Dr. Oberlin gathered everyone (minus Barney) together in one room, and grabbed the stack of files that were sitting on his desk.

"Normally I would come to you all individually to give you the results. But over the last few months we have all been working together to try and help Barney, and after getting to know you all I feel this would be an extenuating circumstance." Dr. Oberlin cleared his throat and shifted the folders to pass them out to everyone. He didn't say anything immediately but allowed them to look through their own folders and see the information printed.

Robin looked up from her folder, uncertain. "What does this mean, exactly?"

Dr. Oberlin sighed, taking off his glasses to rub the bridge of his nose. "The results indicate none of you are a match, not even you Mr. Stinson," he gestured to James as he said this. "It was a long shot for any of you, besides his brother, to be a match but I was hoping for Barney's sake that one of you would be."

"There has to be something we can do!" Ted said and held his folder close to his chest. "I don't want to lose him, and once Barney hears this... he's already depressed."

"I'm sorry but without a match we will need to leave it up to the Bone Marrow Registry. It's a slow process to search through the database and it's a small hope, but there is still a chance he can find a match in there."

James threw the folder on the desk and left the room. Ted couldn't tell if he was really upset or not. He didn't know what to think about how James was handling all of this. He didn't even find out Barney was sick until a few days ago and to find out that there was now such a small chance for his brother to live without a match...

It was painful to watch.

* * *

James sat by Barney's bed in the hospital room, watching the chest rise and fell at a weak, stuttered rate. The amount of machines his brother was hooked up to was startling compared to the amount he used to have only a few weeks earlier, from what he was told. Why hadn't Barney called him? He couldn't believe Barney refused to tell him what was going on and let him waste so much time. He could have been here, been with Barney, and be there for him.

Watching his brother dying for a second time was a hundred times harder than watching him die the first time.

When Barney had jumped off the bridge, James had only gotten to see the aftermath of the event and had been left alone to deal with everything after it already had happened. There was no chance to talk his brother out of it, to comfort him, to help him with his pain. There had only been a moment and the aftermath.

James had to deal with everything by himself until a strange white kid tried to do the same thing in the exact same way. He managed to save him--to be there for him and he regained his brother. But now he was losing him again and he had to watch it all happen. He just wasn't sure how to deal with this slow, painful death his brother was going through now.

James reached over and put his hand over the hand lying on the bed.

"Nothing could stop me from being here for you because you are my brother," he told the sleeping Barney. "You were there for me when I needed my brother the most. And he came to me."

James blinked back the tears, refusing to cry.

"I need to give you back and I know it's selfish but I don't want to. I want you to stay with me." James sucked in a sharp breath. "But I can't watch you die for me."

James leaned down to kiss his forehead and made a decision. He couldn't keep his little brother any longer.

He needed to call Doogie's real parents to come help, even if it meant he would lose his brother forever.

Barney would live.


	15. Chapter 15

**November, 2008**

Barney reached out, his fingers just brushing Robin's arm as she sat back in her chair. He ground his teeth in frustration.

"Robin," he croaked. "Robin, I need to talk to you."

"Shh!" she said, unhelpfully, trying to smile (although it was that fake, newscaster smile, he could see that) while straightening the sheet that was draped over his chest. She was always so careful not to disturb the wires and tubes and needles, far more careful than any of the others. She went to fetch a glass of water for him.

"Please," he said, "Don't make me come over there!" He tried to smile but his face seemed to lock into a grimace. She flashed him a grin, regardless.

"You're chirpy today."

The words hung in the air between them, hammering home just how bad things had got when his ability to string together a coherent sentence was considered "chirpy".

"This might be the last time," he forced out each word, not even trying to conserve his energy. "I know the odds. I might not be this lucid tomorrow, or ever again. In five minutes I get the next round of meds and-"

Robin's distress was obvious, "Barney, are you in pain, because…?"

"No," he tried to shake his head but the muscles in his neck no longer seemed to work. Of course he was in pain, but the pain kept him awake, kept him talking. This was it, he knew it now. This was his last time. "No, it's okay. I just… let me talk, woman!"

Robin sat down on the chair and smiled at him demurely. "Go ahead."

He sighed and closed his eyes briefly. "Robin, I'm in love with you. I've been in love with you since practically the first moment I saw you. It's been tough for me to realize it and accept it but I had to tell you. I had to tell you not because I expect anything from you or would ever think you'd return this… Look, I just wanted you to know that at one point in your life, someone existed in the world who loved you without limits, who would have done anything at all for you and… Robin…" He opened his eyes. The world spun alarmingly around him. He was losing focus, whirling around like ship caught in a storm - rudderless, directionless, lost…

He felt her grip his hand. He felt her pull him back, pressing her lips into his palm.

"I'm so- sorry," he stammered, his lungs feeling like they were on fire. "I didn't mean… to g-give… you such a mindfuck. I'm an insensitive… h-heartless… bastard…"

He could feel her tears, the wetness on the tips of her fingers.

"It's not the drugs…" he whispered, the words drifting from his lips like vapor. "It's the truth, Robin. Loving you is my biggest secret." He tried to laugh at the irony of this confession, his chest heaving.

"I know," Robin said, her voice thick with emotion. "It's okay, I know." Her hand drifted across his forehead. "You get some sleep."

Sleep was called 'the little death', he thought, as his eyelids drooped. And he realized that there was a good chance that he wouldn't wake up this time.

* * *

**Late-Summer 1996**  
_  
They were laughing as they exited the karaoke bar later that night. Doogie shook his head again. "I can't believe I squeaked. I know I can reach that note, but I don't know what happened. My voice just gave out on me."_

_Charles pulled him to the side of the bar, still chuckling. "I have to admit, that was the best mouse squeak impression I have ever heard."_

_"Ha!" Leaning against the side of the building, Doogie ran a hand through his hair. "I'm definitely never doing this again. The verbal assault of half my audience laughing at me will be in the back of my mind every stage production I do from now on."_

_Charles shrugged, much calmer as the cool night air hit him. "Learning experiences. We all need them otherwise we would never grow as people." He glanced at Doogie out of the corner of his eye. "Thanks for coming with me. I know I practically dragged you on an adventure where you ended up completely embarrassed in front of fifty or more strangers..."_

_Doogie looked at the ground, shrugging. "No! I mean, I had fun. Well, being laughed at by that many people wasn't fun but the overall time was great. Although I'm pretty sure if I don't get a cab home I'm going to end up passing out-"_

_Lips were covering his, cutting off his sentence._

_Startled, but not completely unwilling, Doogie closed his eyes. Unlike their other kisses, this was wasn't messy or all consuming. It was warm, soft, and soothing like the alcohol shots he had earlier. It was a different kiss, something new and interesting. It reminded him of his kisses with Wanda._

_Pulling Charles closer to him, he slipped his hands under Charles jacket. At his touch, Charles jerked back muttering "cold hands!" and Doogie had to laugh, it was just too funny to see how easy it was to make Charles react. Charles raised an eyebrow but didn't back out of the embrace._

_"Doogie, I want to be with you. I'm probably the first guy to want you this way. But I want to be your learning experience and to watch you grow." Charles lifted Doogie's chin, making their eyes fully meet. He was smiling, and it wasn't the sexual smile that Doogie often saw but the true, happy smile that Charles rarely showed. "You are the most interesting and exciting person I've come to know in a very long time and I want you to know I haven't dated anyone since I met you at the club. I just needed excuses to be with you."_

_Was he blushing? He felt his cheeks were getting warmer. It could have been from the cold, the alcohol, or Charles' words. It was probably a combination of all three. But then he thought about what would happen if he and Charles were in a relationship together. What would Vinnie say? He wasn't the most open-minded person. "I-Um, I.."_

_Charles kissed his cheek, near the corner of his mouth. "I know. You never told your mate Vinnie about our little meetings?"_

_"N-No. He has no idea."_

_Charles sighed. He dipped his head to rest on Doogie's shoulder. "Okay. Alright. Not a large concern, if you would want to.. be with me. I've done it before." The warm breath washed over his neck, making the skin flush there. "What do you want?"_

_"I-" Doogie closed his eyes. He needed to think. He had to think about all the consequences and the benefits of trying to explore what he had with Charles. What did he have with Charles anyway? It was nothing like what he had with Wanda, or any of his other girlfriends. It was new and terrifying and exciting but was it something he should try?_

_He had the real possibility of losing Vinnie as his friend. He knew Vinnie was homophobic._

_If he saw.._

_But Europe was all about going on an exciting new adventure. He had wanted to find out what he was like outside of being a doctor, didn't he? This was completely different from Dr. Douglas Howser in America._

_He decided instantly that maybe it was better if he didn't think or analyze what was going on. Maybe that was his problem, because whenever he tried to think things through he missed out on so much. Being impulsive seemed to work for everyone else his age, it should work for him too theoretically._

_"I want to be with you. I want to grow and learn and find out more about this side of me I didn't know. I want to know more about you too."_

_The kiss after Doogie spoke was even sweeter than the first._

_------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
_

What was the point, anyway? What was the point in struggling on?

He tried to remember - through the pain and the delirium and the (totally hot) nurses fussing round him - he tried to remember what had got him through this when he was six years old. Yeah, sure, everyone had told him he was going to "live". His family had told him to "live". Perhaps it had been easier to believe that? But Barney knew that no one expected him to survive the cancer this time. He knew, with that terrifying clarity that only an adult can possess, that the odds were stacked high against him. Even he, awesome gambler extraordinaire, wouldn't take that bet.

It was time to hand in the towel. Time to hang up his stethoscope. Time to trade in Armani for cedar-wood. Barney had no fear of being buried alive. In fact, he found the thought comforting; slowly suffocating to death with a ton of earth surrounding and protecting him.  
Anything was better than the pain that he knew for certain would come.

No more "treatment". No more "procedures". Barney Stinson wasn't just another patient that they could bullshit. He was "informed".

It gave him a slight (last?) frisson of pleasure to think about how much this would annoy his oncologist.

He wondered, with a strength that was almost perceptibly ebbing, if there was a way to contact his parents before he went. If he could apologize?

Barney smiled. The drugs… he knew it was the drugs. Right now, they were keeping the pain at bay. But he knew the pain was there - like a shipwreck hidden beneath the high-tide, only to be revealed in an hour or two when it would rise, horrible and gothic and stinking and fetid. A disease that he'd never be free of.

No point. No hope. Nothing to live for.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------  
When Ted went to Barney later that evening with Dr. Oberlin to tell him the bone marrow results, the reaction was not what Ted was expecting at all.

"I want to stop treatment." Barney had refused to look at either of them and stared out of his window since they had come in. It was like he had already begun preparing himself for the bad news before they had even gotten there. He had gone completely still when he was being told that there were no matches and now he was almost statue-like.

Ted was gobsmacked. "What?"

Dr. Oberlin raised an eyebrow. "Are you sure Mr. Stinson? There are still several options you have at this point--"

"Don't." Barney turned his head to stare at his doctor, completely ignoring Ted for the moment. "I understand exactly what my options are and how little of a chance I have to find a match in the database. _I know._ I'm not going to spend the rest of my days here with that false hope."

"Alright," Dr. Oberlin made a note on the clipboard beside Barney's bed. "We will stop the chemotherapy and keep you under pain medication. But if you change your mind-"

"I won't."

"-If you do, just inform a nurse."

Dr. Oberlin left the room and Ted couldn't believe what just happened. He didn't even know what he could say to Barney after seeing the utter lack of hope in his eyes. It was like Barney knew none of them would be a match and had already come to terms with it. Ted was still trying to process his own emotional reaction to the news.

How could Barney accept death so calmly?


	16. Chapter 16

Marshall got the first email at 9:15am and from that moment on he stopped being able to concentrate on work in any way whatsoever. He didn't know it at the time, but the email would take over his life, and the life of his friends, for many weeks to come.

The email was from Peter Buchanan, a friend who was doing the search for him on Barney's background, hopefully to dig up some other relatives for the bone marrow transfusion. Marshall had thought that it might be fairly easy - even though Barney's Mom was dead, lost to lung cancer when Barney was in his early twenties, he still had cousins, uncles, aunts. So it was with a light heart that he opened the mail and began to read.

By the time he'd finished he was frowning and a second email had popped into his inbox.

"Marshall," Pete had said, "I'm really sorry but I can't find anything that exactly matches up with your request for Barnaby D. Stinson, born in New York to Patty Stinson, brother James Stinson, born 1975. There's only this birth certificate, but if you look at it, you'll quickly realize like I did that this can't be the one. Perhaps your friend wasn't born in New York State? I'll send you further details of this B. Stinson just so you can discount him."

The birth certificate did, indeed, look promising. It was for Barnaby Stinson, born on Staten Island to Patricia Stinson and George Stinson. But the ethnicity of both parents was described as "African". Also, and it was a tiny detail but it really bugged Marshall, the middle name was written as "Michael". Marshall knew for a fact that Barney's middle name started with a "D". He'd seen him sign plenty of documents at work. So… That couldn't be right…? Marshall's mind raced while he opened the next mail - a birth certificate for James - it almost could be Barney's brother - same mother and father, Patricia and George. The dates were right, but…

Another email popped into his mailbox. Marshall opened the mail with some trepidation, particularly as the title declared that "This one's the killer…"

It was a death certificate for Barnaby M Stinson.

Marshall laughed. "Okay… " he muttered under his breath in a sing-song voice. "Lookin' for Barney Stinson… got the wrong o-o-one…" He sent back a quick email to Pete with a sad smile, apologizing for sending him on a wild goose chase but thanking him for being so thorough.

Randomly, although Marshall had no hope that it was going to get him anywhere when Pete had failed to find Barney's information, Marshall began googling his friend. It was amazing how much weird information you can find on the internet - Barney's blog, obviously, but postings on websites with as varied interests as dating, porn, cookery and even fashion! All the "posts" was so entertaining and so perfectly _Barney_ that they made Marshall smile. It was like having a tiny piece of his friend back after the disappointment of his dead-end search for relatives.

He read every post he could find.

The trouble with the internet was that the information didn't go back far enough into Barney's past for Marshall to trace his life history. In a few years, you'd be able to trace an entire person's life through this medium.

Marshall was just beginning to get hungry and realized that he'd spent a couple of hours just surfing the net. Gritty-eyed, he was finally about to shut down his laptop and go for a snack when he realized that there was one more email from Pete.

"Marshall," it read, "Thought you might want the last couple of bits and bobs about Mr. Stinson. It was no problem. Buy me a drink on Friday night?"

Marshall opened the email with a half smile which froze in place the second he saw the first attachment.

It was a newspaper article from 1996, yellowing and a little difficult to read. It announced the death of a bright young grad student, Barney Stinson. The young man was survived, so it said in the newsprint, by an older brother. There was a photo accompanying the article and even though it was a little faded, it was still clear enough to make out the features of the two smiling men.

The one on the right was definitely James Stinson.

The one on the left definitely wasn't Barney.

What the hell was going on?

Marshall's fingers hovered over the keyboard while his mind raced.

What in the hell…?

* * *

**2007 **

_Marshall leaned against the bar, waiting for Lily to emerge from the restroom so that he could take her home, unable to keep himself from grinning. He didn't know if it was the wedding in general that was making him feel like this or if it was the massive sugar high he was on after eating four slices of cake._

_He smiled, a little dorkily. Nah, it was definitely the wedding in general._

_He was married! He kept swirling the word around and around in his mind. He was married! It felt like he could never be sad again._

_He looked up as Barney approached the bar. His friend was positively beaming._

_"Hey, congratulations, man," Barney said, his tone sincere as he handed Marshall a glass of champagne._

_Marshall smiled. "Thank you, Barney," he found himself chuckling. "I guess I've got a lot to thank you for, haven't I?"_

_Barney shrugged._

"I mean, everything, I guess! Getting Lily to come back to New York, paying for our honeymoon, all those presents," he laughed. "Hey, you married us, man! I clearly owe you, big time."

Barney waved his hand, clearly embarrassed.

_"I'm serious, dude. When you do nice things for people, you don't always have to keep it hidden…"_

_And because it was that kind of day, Marshall put down his champagne glass and wrapped his arms around Barney in the tightest bear hug. His friend struggled for a moment then gave up. When Marshall released him, Barney's cheeks were flushed but he looked oddly pleased._

_"Marshall, I've spent years cultivating a reputation of being a man of mystery. Please…!" He waved his hand casually._

_"Come on, Bro! You're no mystery to me. No mystery at all." _

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Marshall sat at the computer, slowly shaking his head. He quickly scrolled through the rest of the information that Pete had sent him - a driver's license, some more articles, even some school reports.

If he didn't know better, Marshall would believe that James Stinson, the James Stinson he'd known for the best part of seven years, had a younger brother who'd died. Who'd freaking _died_! If that was the case then who the hell was Barney, the Barney he knew? The Barney he _thought_ he knew!

A thousand thoughts swam through Marshall's brain, each one more implausible than the last. Barney was in some kind of witness protection program because he'd testified against the mob! Barney was a spy working for the CIA! Barney was an alien who'd come to earth and implanted false memories in James' mind.

Oh my GOD! Barney was a space alien!

Marshall clutched his head. Had Barney messed with his mind too?

Slowly, he managed to pull himself together. There was only one way to find out the truth. He had to go and find James and he had to confront him. He couldn't just let Barney die without at least knowing who in the hell he'd been while he'd been alive.  
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"He's not your brother," Marshall hissed as soon as the two of them were alone.

"Excuse me?"

"He's not your brother," Marshall repeated more forcefully this time.

"Look, I know it's weird that we're not even a close match but even the doctor said it happens every once in a while. And in case you're forgetting, we clearly don't have the same fathers."

"That's what I thought, so I decided to see if I could track down his father or other relatives, see if their might have been an unknown adoption."

"Barney Stinson!" he yelled slamming down a file filled with paperwork on the table. "Born 1975, died 1996! Birth certificate, school records, driver's license, newspaper articles, death certificate!" Marshall held up a photo of a young black male. "This is Barney Stinson, your brother, and he's been dead for over ten years now. So tell me James, what the hell is going on here?!"

"He's still Barney…. Just in a different body."

"Are you kidding me?! How is that even possible?!"

"When I found him he was about to kill himself. In the exact same way that my brother did. I stopped him, I saved him and I took him home just to keep him safe. Then he just went empty, completely empty. He didn't know who he was, how to talk or anything. He stayed like that for a long time, then one morning I woke up and he was Barney. He was Barney in every single way possible. He even said so. He's my brother reincarnated."

Marshall looked horrified. He paced around the room, running his hands through his hair and shaking with rage. "So let me get this straight. You found this severely emotionally crippled person on the street, took him home and just _kept_ him. You didn't report him to the authorities, you didn't check missing persons, you didn't get him any psychological help, you didn't try and contact his family in any way, you just _kept_ him?! Goddamn it James, this isn't just some lost puppy you can claim as your own!"

"There's no way I'd bring Barney to a shrink after they'd failed him so badly the first time."

"HE ISN'T BARNEY!!!" Marshall roared, before lowering his voice to a low hiss. "He's a person with his own life and family. Obviously he has some serious mental condition such as amnesia and you've been feeding him the delusion that he's your brother. This is emotional kidnapping we're talking about James! And now he's going to die. He's going to die because you decided to use him for your own selfish purposes. And when he does we're not even going to know his name."

"No, he's not." James whispered softly, with tears dripping down his face. "He's not because I called his mother a few hours ago. She'll be flying over from LA tomorrow. Barney has been in contact with her, sending her letters with no return address. He knows what he's doing, and it appears that whatever happened in his old life is so terrible he'd rather die than face it again. You didn't see how he was all those years ago Marshall. He was a wreck. I saved him. I fixed him."

Marshall stared, totally dumbfounded. "What's his name?" he asked finally.

"It doesn't matter. He's still Barney. No matter what."

"What's his name?! I need to know James."

"Douglas. His name is Douglas Howser." Marshall repeated it softly and quickly wrote it down.

"Now if you'd excuse me, I'm going to go sit with my brother. He'll always be my brother. I love him and that's all that matters."

He left the room without another word and took the elevator up to the third floor and went straight to the intensive care unit. The nurse knew him by sight and let him in without question, smiling sadly at him. Inside lay Barney, curled up in a tight ball and looking generally terrible. James sat down on the chair by his bed and gently stroked his pale and chapped face. Barney stirred but his eyes stayed shut. James wasn't sure if he was awake or not.

Was it too much to hope that this was all just a terrible mistake? That when this woman arrived she'd realize that she had him confused with some other missing son. And how could he dare to even think such a thing, when that would mean not only the death of his brother, but his best friend. James took a deep breath, he had to know.

"Doogie?" he asked, just loud enough so that he was sure it would be heard.

Barney reacted instantly, jolting upright in bed, wide eyed and looking around the room in a panic. He began struggling for air.

"Shh, Barney just breathe," James soothed, pulled him into a hug. "It was a dream. You just had a bad dream. Everything's fine."

"James?" he gasped, eyes unfocused.

"Yeah, I'm here little brother," James climbed into bed with him and held Barney in a tight embrace. "Everything's okay. You're going to be okay. Everything's going to be just fine."


	17. Chapter 17

The lady came through the door of the coffee shop, looking around apprehensively. She was dressed conservatively, a little stuffily, her graying hair teased and combed into a style that was probably chic ten years ago, but her eyes were kind and when she saw James she headed straight for him.

"Excuse me, are you Mr. Stinson?"

James nodded and got to his feet, gesturing for her to join him. She sat down, putting her purse on the table and placed both her gloved hands on top of it. She took a deep breath, as if to collect herself, then finally looked James in the eye. "Mr. Stinson. James. On the telephone you told me that you might have some information on the whereabouts of my son?" her voice cracked on the last word and there was no mistaking the eagerness in her gaze, the longing.

"Ma'am," James began. "The person I believe to be your son is very seriously ill. Leukemia."

Katherine Howser blanched, but steadied herself quickly. James found himself admiring her sense of determination. Twelve years without talking to her son and she still was determined to find him.

"Doogie had Leukemia when he was a child." she said calmly.

"I didn't know that... But I'll get to that later. What's important right now is that he needs a bone marrow transplant." This was hard, so hard. But James knew that, at this stage, it was very likely he'd lose Barney anyway. At least this way his Mom would have some closure and perhaps he could let go of a tiny fraction of his own guilt.

"You're sure it's him?"

James nodded. "As sure as I can be, Ma'am."

Katherine nodded, her fingers curling around the handle of her purse, knuckles whitening.

"Then please, James, take me to my son."

* * *

**1993**  
_Katherine's arms wrapped around him before he realized she was there. She held him for a moment to remind him how much she loved him and would miss him. If she had tried to say that downstairs, Doogie would have been embarrassed with the extra mothering she would have done in front of Vinnie. It was one of those teenage boy things about being too cool to really hug your mother in front of your friends._

_Her little boy was so much taller than he used to be and he was getting muscular and more athletic looking despite his tendency to avoid sports. It was hard to watch him grow up and know that she had to let him go at some point. Sometimes she felt she was cheated out of all the little things most mothers get to enjoy about children because Doogie had grown up so fast. But all mothers had to let go of their children eventually to let them blossom into adulthood. She was lucky enough to be allowed to witness such an event in a young man's life._

_Doogie let the hug last a lot longer than he would have in any other situation but she didn't mind because it would strengthen her resolve to let him go. It was his choice to begin growing up and she had to stand by his decisions and let him make them on his own._

_"Bye mom," he said, turning in her arms to give her a proper hug._

_She turned her head to kiss his cheek. It was a harder reach than it used to be. Then she stepped back, releasing him. "Are you sure you're ready to go out on your own? Going to Europe on your own could be very dangerous."_

_"Mom, since I was six years old I knew what I wanted to do. I've planned everything in my life to reach my goal of being a doctor like dad. I'm not saying I regret the way things turned out but I feel like I've lost sight of what it is to be my age. Vinnie, Janine, Wanda--they all went through this too."_

_He seemed so strong and manly at this moment. This was not her little boy but a man trying to be himself. Katherine couldn't hide her pride in him. He was everything she had hoped he would become when she had first laid her eyes on him as a baby. Doogie had grown up so wonderfully but he was right. He didn't have that unknowing moment in his life of 'what if'. Many teenagers faced that same question but her son had always known what he wanted to do since he was six. It was only natural he felt left out of the loop. He was right of course, but Katherine had gotten used to her son being correct about most things. He needed to know more about himself before he could be comfortable in being an adult._

_This was his moment of 'what if'._

_"They had to find out about themselves and what they wanted to do. They have grown past me mom and I feel like I need to discover what I want to be outside of being a doctor. I have to do this for me."_

_Katherine smiled sadly. "I know."_

_"You do?" Her son seemed surprised._

_"I'm not up here to convince you not to go, Doogie. I went through the same thing at your age. Your father did as well. But I am here to be your mother and worry about you. Promise me that you'll return and not forget all about us?"_

_His smile seemed to light up the room. "I promise."_

_Kathrine couldn't resist stealing one more hug._

_--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
_

Barney was unconscious when they arrived. There was some confusion at the hospital reception while Katherine and James attempted to explain that Katherine was a blood relative and also that Barney seemed to have two different names. The administrator in charge even threatened to get the police involved at one stage.

Meanwhile, Ted and Robin (who were on Barney-watch that day) kept back and watched everything unfold from afar, not quite able to grasp what was happening. Robin had been very quiet and withdrawn for the past couple of days and Ted was beginning to worry about her. It was only the fact that Lily had told him that she would need to begin grieving that he still allowed her to come to the hospital at all.

They had all accepted that Barney was going to die. It was horrible, but there was no getting away from it.

"Who is she?" asked Robin, jolting Ted back into the present. It was the first time she'd spoken to him all day.

"I have no idea. Perhaps a relative of Barney's Mom or something?"

"She looks very well-to-do," Robin observed, her brow creasing into a frown.

"Looks like there's some sort of commotion going on, anyway," replied Ted. James was having an exchange of harsh words with one of the nurses. "Should we go over and help?"

Robin touched his arm. "No, we've done everything we can. Perhaps James just wants some family time with… him…"

Ted saw her swallow convulsively, saw her fingernails make deep gouges in the Styrofoam coffee cup she was holding. He saw everything at the moment and somehow wished he didn't.

"He- He-", Robin tried to talk but then shook her head, her hair falling in a curtain across her face, hiding her tears.

Ted put his arm around her and pulled her close.

"I'll talk to James later. Find out what's going on with the nurses."

But Ted wasn't thinking about James or the strange woman or the nurses. He was thinking about Robin and Marshall and Lily and how in the hell they were going to hold it together for the next few weeks while their best friend faded away in front of their eyes.

"Doogie."

Kathrine Howser moved further into the room and sat down beside his bed.

The room was still fuzzy around the edges of his vision and he wasn't too sure what was going on. The lights were making the room tint in smeared colors and he was sure that the chair next to his bed wasn't leaning to the side as much as his mind said it was.

He was still pretty sure he was dreaming from all the drugs they were pumping him because there was no way his mother would fly to him when she didn't even know where he was. Barney wasn't even sure if he knew where he was. It was very bright. The white walls were reflecting rainbow colors. Rainbows need rain to reflect the light and the drops of water split the light to make all the colors of the visible spectrum. Was there rain today?

His mom touched his hand, taking it into her own as she sat down in the dangerously leaning chair. Why didn't she tip sideways like the chair?

Her fingers were stroking the back of his hand that didn't have drugs being pumped into it. People can't feel things in dreams, they just remember what the feeling would be like and trick their mind into thinking they were feeling it. Was he feeling this, or was he thinking he was feeling it?

"Oh honey..."

Water dripped on his hand. The rainbow colors were from the rain. It had to be raining because his hand was wet.

Barney blinked a few times and his eyes focused. His mother was sitting in the chair next to the bed. He tried to speak but he was really tired. His throat didn't seem to want to work. This was a dream. His mom couldn't be here. She wasn't Barney Stinson's mom. She was Doogie Howser's mom. He was Barney Stinson. He wasn't Doogie. He was Barney. He squeezed his eyes shut as a small, sharp pain bloomed in the back of his eyes.

He hurt.

What was going on? He opened his eyes to glance around. There was a strange woman by the bed. She looked a little familiar. Did he get put into a hospital because of some jealous boyfriend finding out he happened to sleep with their girlfriend? Was that her mother? He felt his eyes slipping closed as they lacked the ability to focus again.

Sleeping seemed like a good idea.


	18. Chapter 18

Just as he had been doing for the past few months Ted stopped by the hospital in the morning before heading off to work. But today was different, today Barney wasn't in his room. In fact the room was completely empty and all of his stuff was gone.

It felt like the floor was taken out from under him. The only explanation he could think of was that Barney had died in the middle of the night and they hadn't been called yet. Or maybe his phone had been turned off. As he pulled out his cell to check for messages he vaguely registered that he was shaking and sobbing uncontrollably. His brain had gone completely numb.

"Ted?" One of the ICU nurses that he knew he should recognize approached him. "Are you okay?"

"Where's Barney?" he choked out. "Is he—"

"Whoa Ted, take deep breaths," she led him to the empty bed and had him sit down. "It's okay, Barney's fine. He was just taken down to radiation therapy a half hour ago."

"But," he gasped, still in the midst of a freak-out. "All of his stuff is gone from the room. Why…?"

"He's being moved to an isolated clean room."

Ted took a deep calming breath and wiped away the tears that were dripping down his face. This made no sense; he had a million questions.

"I-I thought Barney had decided to stop all treatment?"

The nurse suddenly grinned. "Haven't you heard?! We've found him a donor! He's in radiation to completely destroy all of his own marrow. He'll be getting the transfusion late in the afternoon."

Ted stared at her open mouthed, already his feelings of deep panic were getting replaced with warm fuzzies. "Did you find someone from the registry?"

"No," she leaned in and whispered in a low tone, as if telling a great secret. "All I know is that it's some close relative that his brother managed to track down."

"Where is he? I need to go hug him."

"I'm afraid you can't do that. Without his marrow he's not going to have a functioning immune system. So no visitors until after the transfusion."

"I think I can live with that," Ted grinned now that the news had finally sunk in. "Thanks for letting me know what was going on."

The first thing Ted did was call Robin. It was still early in the morning so the call woke her up , but this did not prevent her from shrieking and crying with him.

He called Marshall and Lily next, but to his surprise rather than screaming like Robin did when she got the news, Marshall went dead silent.

"Dude, did you hear what I just said? Barney's getting the transfusion! He's not going to die! I'm pretty sure the donor is that women we saw James with the other day."

"Yeah, I…. Ted, we need to talk. Could you and Robin come over? Like right now. I need to tell you guys something really important and… Please, would you just come?"

* * *

Marshall sat on the sofa, holding on to Lily's hand as if she were a storm anchor, his entire body rigid. How could he explain any of this to Ted? To Robin? All this time they'd been looking after Barney - if someone was to tell him about Barney's secret, he'd think it was some sick joke.

"None of you are going to believe this…" he began.

"Just _tell us,_ Marshall!" Robin said, angrily. Marshall could see that she was at her wits end. "What's going on?"

"James found Barney the bone marrow donor. You guys, this is going to be really hard to believe but she's his Mom." He paused, looking up with a sigh. "Barney isn't really James' brother. His name isn't even Barney. The whole thing has been a lie."

"WHAT?" They all exclaimed.

"Marshall, no…" Lily clutched his arm, her voice wobbling.

"Marshall, that doesn't make any sense. That's… horrible," Ted ran his hand through his hair, making it stick up at odd angles. "How could he…? How could they deceive us? It just doesn't make sense."

Marshall tried to put his thoughts into some sort of order. He pulled the photos out of the folder on his lap, handing them around. "It makes perfect sense, but you guys have to understand the whole story. The young man in these pictures is Barney Stinson, James' real brother. He died back in 1996. According to James, he killed himself."

Robin let out a "Wow!" while Ted and Lily looked at the photos in silence.

"Then who is Barney? Our Barney?"

Marshall slid a few more papers from the folder - these ones were print outs from the research he'd been doing over the last couple of days.

"His real name is Douglas Howser. He was a kind-of boy genius. As far as I can make out, he had a complete nervous breakdown and James took him in. Over the course of a few months, he totally took on the personality of James' dead brother and James just… let him. He encouraged it," Marshall was scowling.

"Douglas Howser…" Ted shook his head, staring at the photos. "I've seen this before. Oh… the Delpino film…" He looked up, glaring at Marshall. "Barney's been- _Douglas_ has been hiding this from us, all this time? This other life?"

"Douglas," Robin whispered, as if trying out the word. She looked stunned.

"I'm so sorry," Marshall managed to say. "I wish there was something else I could say."

"Honey, this isn't your fault," Lily said, stroking his arm.

"Perhaps I shouldn't have dug into all this? Damn my curiosity!" He said, banging his hand on his knee and making Lily jump.

"Jesus, Marshall. It's not your fault. If you hadn't, we would have found this out eventually. We would have asked James who that woman was." Lily was staring at Ted and Robin as if daring them to contradict her.

"What did James have to say for himself?" Ted asked.

Marshall closed his eyes briefly. "Seriously, dude, I think the guy's a little unhinged. He kind-of believes that Barney really is his brother! Like he's reincarnated or something. He's feeding into Barney's delusion. _Doogie's_ delusion?"

"DOOGIE?" Robin laughed.

Marshall shrugged. "That's what his family calls him."

Ted leaned back in the sofa. "I think I want to talk to his Mom. Ask her a few questions?"

Marshall nodded. He knew they'd all have to work through this in their own way. "I'm not sure that Barney even knows what the truth is any more. I think he's had some kind of mental schism. Like, he really thinks he is James' brother. I don't know if he remembers anything about his other life."

Robin shook her head and exhaled a long, long breath. "This is all so crazy."

Lily nodded. "We need to talk to Barney, not his Mom."

Robin tilted her head. "If he makes it through the transplant."

They all sat in silence for a minute or two.

"I just can't believe this," Ted finally broke the silence. "For months all I've been doing is hurting and worrying and helping him. And all this time he's been lying to us. He could have gotten that transplant a long time ago, when it could have helped him. Jesus, he's been playing around with his own medication because he's so-" Ted stood up suddenly. "He doesn't _deserve_ our sympathy, guys. He's brought all this on himself!"

"Ted, sit DOWN!" Robin shouted at him. Ted gulped and obeyed. "Ted, it's Barney! I don't care about all this stuff. I don't care about his past! Except that a lot of things about him suddenly make a hell of a lot more sense. He's still our _friend_. You can't take away everything he's done over the past four years and re-evaluate it because of all this. He's still the same person."

"No he isn't, Robin!" Ted argued.

"Yes. He IS!" Robin was nose-to-nose with Ted now, both their expressions locked in anger.

"Stop it!" Marshall was almost on the edge of tears. "Barney's going to live! Isn't that what we all wanted twenty-four hours ago? I mean, really? Is anything more important?"

Ted bowed his head, covering his face with his hands. "I don't know. I really don't know. I think I need to know a bit more about this. About who Barney really is."

Marshall nodded. "Yep, all the info that I have is in this folder. Read it? Take your time, buddy." He patted Ted on the shoulder.

Meanwhile, Lily and Robin were exchanging worried glances. Robin slowly shook her head. "This is just… this is the weirdest thing I can imagine. Barney's literally got a _real_ secret identity. Who knew?" She laughed.

Lily smiled sadly. "Trust him to mess things up, just as everything was finally going well for him."

Marshall held her hand and nodded.

* * *

Everything had become so fuzzy. His mom was with him and the room was raining. He was in a giant tube and then floating down the hallway. His doctor was standing over him, smiling while a giant bag of red life dripped into his chest. He was whispered words of encouragement. So fuzzy, a fog filled dream.

"Barney? Do you think you could try waking up?" Ted's voice.

"Hey," he whispered, lifting his head and trying to pull himself into a sitting position

"Careful," said Ted, worriedly placing a hand on his shoulder. He was looking so serious. This must be a deathbed visit. For the first time since this all began he found himself getting tearful.

"I had a dream that I'd gotten the transplant. Everything was going to be okay and go back to normal."

Ted gripped his hand firmly "Barney, that wasn't a dream. You did get the transplant. You _are_ going to be okay."

It took almost an entire minute for the realization to dawn on him. Then a grin slowly started to grow across his face and he forced himself to sit up all the way. Barney looked around; he was in a small air tight room with all the walls made out of glass. A clean room.

"High five!" Barney held up his hand for Ted to slap. It took much more effort than it should have. He was feeling exceedingly weak, but it was to be expected now that he was lacking all of his own marrow. "This is totally going in my blog!"

"You being alive?"

"No, this awesome glass room. It would make an amazing setting for a porn movie."

Ted chuckled but the laugh didn't reach his eyes, one of the few parts of his face that the mask, he should have noticed earlier, wasn't covering up. There was a lot of sadness behind them.

"Barney, there's something I need to talk to you about."

"Yeah?"

Ted sighed, picking at his fingernails. Whatever it was he was stalling. "I've been talking with your mom, she seems really nice…."

His mom? What was Ted talking-? Oh God. He had a dream that his mother was here. He also had a dream about getting a transplant and-... Oh shit! Where had his marrow donation come from?!

"You've been lying to us. All these years you've been lying to us about who you are. You're not Barney Stinson; you're Doogie Howser, a doctor."

No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no , no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! This cannot be happening.

"I don't understand Barney. I don't understand why you've been doing this. I need an explanation."

All he could hear was the sound of hummingbird wings furiously beating in his head.

"Barney, are you okay? Can you hear me?"

Everything was crashing down. His whole world came crashing down.


	19. Chapter 19

The day after receiving the transplant everyone was anxious to talk to Barney, the only problem was he wouldn't talk to any of them. He had completely shut down and wouldn't respond to anything or anyone. No matter what they said or did he just stared at them blankly. He'd certainly given his doctors a fright. They were frantically running tests trying to figure out what type of rare neurological side effect he might have developed from the transplant. It was only when they were telling them that while there was still a slight chance he might have had a stroke, they couldn't find anything physically wrong with him, that Ted admitted that right before Barney shut down he had questioned him about his identity.

Marshall had to hold James back to keep him from assaulting Ted.

"Look, it's not like we know for sure that's what caused this. It could just be a coincidence," Ted said, defensively backing into the wall.

"Of course it did!" James roared. "Do you have any idea how badly off he was before he became Barney?! He was a complete mess and now you've sent him back to that level! It's lucky he didn't die from the shock right then and there!"

They all went quiet when he said that. The fact of the matter was that with the revelation that Barney wasn't really Barney and with him checking out mentally, it really did seem like they had lost him.

"I'm sorry," said Ted at last. "I'm so sorry, I just wasn't thinking…. as usual."

James sighed and began pacing around the waiting room they were spending way too much time in.

"I suppose it probably would have happened anyway. His mom will be released from the hospital today and would have insisted on seeing him. That would have been an even greater shock for him… You know, his dad died from a heart attack a few years ago. I know for a fact that the last time they spoke had been a massive fight. If he does manage to snap out of this that information is going to cause some serious emotional issues, along with… everything else,"

Lily buried her head in Marshall's shoulder. He was on his laptop trying to find more information on Doogie Howser, hoping to find something, anything, that might shed some light on what was happening. After everything they had gone through with his cancer, this should have been a joyous occasion. But they couldn't celebrate, not when they were looking at the real possibility of Barney having to spend time in the psych ward.

"Guys, I found something I think you all should see," Marshall said gesturing to his laptop. On it was a YouTube clip entitled "Geniuses Spaz Out". He hit play and they all watched an old talk show from the early 90's that featured multiple former child geniuses fighting and generally freaking out about the pressures they were under. One of them was Douglas Howser/ Barney.

"He's a genius, a kid doctor? My little Barney?" James was totally dumbstruck. They had all forgotten that James hadn't been with them when Marshall had originally shown them the research he had done.

"He had leukemia before when he was a little kid," Robin whispered. "The poor thing; it must have made this all ten times scarier. I hope he at least shared that information with his doctors…"

"Can you believe those ears?" Marshall added with a chuckle. "He was such a dweeb!"

All of them seemed to be taking something totally different from this clip. But what Lily really zeroed in on was the amount of stress that Doogie-Barney was under. He only nineteen, just a kid, and was having to deal with the huge amount of responsibility of being a doctor and, as the show pointed out, the pressures of society. At that age she had spent all her time painting and getting high with Ted and Marshall, with not a care in the world. When Lily first heard about his false identity she had never felt farther from him. But as she began to learn more and more about his background, it now appeared that she had never seen him so clearly.

Now if only they could get him to come back to them.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------  
**October 1996 **  
_  
The theater was dark, deserted and a little spooky. Charles pulled Doogie through the stage door with an inviting grin._

_"You want to be with me?" he whispered. "Where better than here?"_

_The back-stage area was still scattered with discarded costumes, wigs and stage makeup from a late "improv" performance. Charles tutted in disgust but Doogie laughed, a little drunkenly, and pulled him down onto a pile sandbags._

_"Do you really have to go?" Charles asked him between hot kisses._

_"Vinnie really wants to go to this film festival. It's only New York. We could fly right back?"_

_Charles sighed, his fingers skimming the flesh of Doogie's abdomen where his shirt had ridden up. "If you go to New York, who's to say you'd come back to little old London?"_

_Doogie moaned as Charles unbuttoned his fly. "Why don't you come with us…?"_

_Charles laughed, bending his head to kiss Doogie's neck, his tongue flicking across the salty skin. "I hope we'll both be coming before that…"_

_Doogie laughed, wriggling under Charles's touch. "I'm serious. Fly with us to New York? Think about it? Broadway! Off-Broadway? We can see some shows. You'll love it. "_

_"I love you…" Charles pulled Doogie's shirt over his head, making swift work of his pants._

_"W-what?" Doogie said._

_Charles laughed, taking Doogie's hands and pinning his wrists above his head, against the sandbags. He kissed him, long and hard, then repeated, "I love you."_

_Doogie moved as if he were in a dream, clumsily pulling at Charles's clothes until they were both naked. He gulped, trying to keep control. He was torn, half of him cringing in embarrassment and half of him swept away by Charles's declaration of love. When Charles touched him, stroking him, he let out a long, shaky moan._

_"I want this…" He breathed. It surprised him to discover that he really did. He really wanted Charles's hands on him and he wanted to touch him in return. He was ready, finally._

_"I want this…"_

_There was a clatter behind them, a box was knocked over and sent crashing to the ground. Doogie froze, his hand still clutching Charles's bicep._

_"Oh g- ah?!" Someone let out a half human, half animalistic cry. "HOWSER?" Doogie looked up guiltily._

_Vinnie…_

_Vinnie backed up, stumbling over a discarded shoe, a film camera still whirring in his hand, but now pointing at the floor. "Doog…?" He shook his head, over and over._

_"Vin, stop a sec, this isn't what- Vinnie!" Doogie shouted, but he was naked and Charles was naked and, yes, it was exactly what it looked like. In that one instant, he saw himself through Vinnie's eyes and felt the disgust well up in his throat. No, God… this was wrong (it wasn't) and perverted (it wasn't) and Vinnie would never speak to him again._

_"Vinnie, please stop!" he cried out desperately._

_But Vinnie had already gone. _

_------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
_

Ted came out of Barney's hospital room and yanked off his mask and surgical gown, ripping them up and tossing them on the ground in defeat.

"Still not talking?" James asked sadly from where he sat right outside the door.

"He isn't even reacting. No matter what I say his face remains blank and he just stares ahead at nothing."

"God," said James, burying his face in his hands. "Even the first time I met him he wasn't this bad. He certainly wasn't cationic."

"How was he like James? You said several times that he was a complete wreck, in what way?" Ted sat down next to him and allowed his head to fall back against the wall.

"He wouldn't talk. For months he wouldn't and he seemed so simple minded. I actually thought he was mentally challenged. But I guess it was just the opposite," James said blankly. After everything that had happened this week he was feeling numb.

"Do you have any idea what had happened to him before you… found him?"

"Not a clue. Our first meeting was me wrestling him off the ledge of a bridge he was about to jump off of."

There was a long silence.

"Oh man, I think Marshall's right. Barney's just as messed up mentally as he is physically. I can't even be mad at him anymore… I'm scared for him."

"Me too," whispered James.

"I just keep on thinking about what they said on the talk show, that people who were geniuses as children grow up to be emotionally crippled adults. That would certainly explain Barney's personality and attachment issues but... not all of this."

"I don't trust his family," James admitted. "One of those articles about him your friend uncovered, mentioned his dad was also a doctor; I bet he was forced into it. And when I first got him he acted like he might have been abused."

Ted started to chuckle, in a hysterical sort of way "You know, when I heard he was getting the transplant I thought that all this craziness was finally over, that things would be returning to normal. Heh, now it looks like it's only just begun."

"Out of the frying pan and into the fire…. You should go home and get some rest Ted. I'm going to spend the rest of the day trying to get through to him. Call you if anything changes."

"Good luck," said Ted mournfully, before walking off.

James hated how much sterile surgical gear he had to put on just to be in the same room with his brother. He recognized that it was necessary, but the mask in particular made having a heart to heart with him difficult.

"Hey Barney," he said pulling up a chair next to his bed. As expected Barney didn't react at all and just continued staring blankly at the ceiling. As gently as he could, James turned him over so he was facing him and he pulled his hands into his own.

"Are you not talking again Buddy?" he asked softly. "Remember when I used to call you Buddy? All those years ago before you were Barney. We had some good times back then…. Please don't do this to me Barney. I don't know what you're trying to achieve with this, but it's not going to work. No one's mistaking you for some poor mentally challenged boy this time around. I can only assume that you're hiding. You think that if you just shut down the world will shut down with you; that your problems will just disappear. That's not going to happen Barney; I know it worked the first time but as you can see from right now, all it's doing it prolonging the inevitable. You're going to have to deal with this emotional baggage sooner or later. And if you do choose later, I'm very curious to know who you're going to become this time around."

Barney shuddered and bit his lip. Tears filled his eyes and spilled down his cheeks. He mumbled something so quietly that James couldn't make it out what he said.

"What was that?" He had gotten through to him!

"Are you going to leave me?" Barney whispered.

"Why on earth would I do that Barnaby?"

"Cause….. I'm not really Barney," he squeaked, before burying his head in the pillow, clearly terrified of the answer.

The answer broke James' heart. He was only now coming to realize just how much their unspoken arrangement had screwed him up psychologically. It killed him to know that he was the one who had caused this.

"That's never going to happen," he said forcefully. "I love you and you're still my little brother. No matter if you're Barney, Doogie or some weird hybrid of the two. Is that perfectly clear?"

Barney nodded slightly, but the tears continued to fall and he started to shake.

"I'm terrified," he choked out.

"Of what? Your parents? That little filmmaker friend of yours? I promise I won't let them hurt you if that's the problem. I won't leave you alone,"

"No, it's Doogie I'm scared of. I can't face his memories. I can't face what happened to him. But they're coming. They're already coming. I have to make it stop. Please help me make it stop!"

James gripped his arm tightly. "There's nothing we can do to make it stop. I think the best thing you can do right now is to not fight it and just let them all rush over you in one giant wave. Then it will all be over. I can help you. Would you like to try telling me what it was that happened to Doogie?"

Pressing his lips together Barney slowly shook his head.

"Then why don't you just start by telling me something about Doogie in general. What made you decide to become a doctor so early in life?"

"To conquer my fears."

"Of what?"

"This," Barney said gesturing to his entire body. "I grew up being terrified of it. Leukemia was the monster under my bed that could come back at any moment. I wanted to put myself on the other side of the stethoscope so I could be the one in control and it would never come back. But it did, even when I wasn't Doogie anymore it found me. I've lost control of Doogie, my friends and the entire life I've created for myself. It destroyed everything."

"It's gone now," James reminded him.

"But I don't know if it was worth the price."


	20. Chapter 20

**October 1996**

_Doogie stood by the departure board, looking out for Vinnie. Every second seemed to stretch into eternity. He looked down at his watch for the twentieth time and the minute hand seemed to be stuck. It was almost as if it had picked up on his apprehension and had frozen time to protect him._

_"Doog?" Vinnie approached him from behind, making him jump. Vinnie stood behind him, shoulders hunched, shuffling his feet. "You ready to go?"_

_Doogie gulped. There were so many things he wanted to tell his friend, so many things he wanted to explain. But even if he could find the words, he doubted that Vinnie would let him. After all, he hadn't let him explain anything so far._

_He winced at the memory: Vinnie's eyes blazing, his face twisted into a scowl as he told Doogie that he was disgusting and had ranted and ranted, a verbal assault that was so typical of him. Vinnie seemed to hold up both sides of the conversation, explaining away Doogie and Charles' relationship as a "mistake", as a "one-off". He'd even blamed himself for throwing Doogie in with all these "artistic types". Doogie was suddenly worried that Vinnie was going to abandon him and go back to America on his own. The thought of both losing his best friend and being left behind in this strange country terrified him._

_Still, he'd found the strength inside him to stick to his decision - both to go to New York but also to bring…_

_"Charles," he said, smiling and gesturing for Charles to come and join them. "Vinnie, I thought it… would be a good idea? If Charles came with us?"_

_Vinnie's mouth opened and closed a few times. Doogie was a little concerned that he'd sent his friend into shock._

_"Breathe, Vin?" He said, looking at Charles for support._

_But Vinnie's expression went dark and he wrinkled his nose. "If you think I'm going on that plane with a couple of faggots you've got another thing coming." With a withering look, he stalked off towards the gate._

_Charles reached out and slid his hand through Doogie's, squeezing it._

_"Let him go," he said._

_Doogie stooped to pick up his rucksack, shrugging Charles off. "I can't. Charles… I can't… I'm sorry."_

_Without looking back, he sprinted after Vinnie. _

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
**December 2008**

Stepping into the clean room, Katherine Howser stopped at the door, drinking in the sight of her son sitting up in his bed and eating his food without help. Doogie... Barney still had all of his hair, his cheeks were no longer as pale and drawn, and his blue eyes were clear of the drugged haze he had the last time she had seen him before the transplant.

He had stopped eating when she came in, and turned to look at her.

His expression was closed-off and guarded but Katherine was determined to make the best of what she had to work with. She knew one of his friends had upset him, and she knew it was that man James that helped bring him back from whatever dark place he was at to talk again. She was uncomfortable that she could not do anything to help him because she knew nothing of his life and that did hurt. It hurt that Doogie.. that Barney had excluded her from most of his life and it took someone from outside of the family to come to her.

Katherine came further inside, walking over to the bed. Blue eyes tracked her movement across the room. She calmly sat down, hiding her turbulent emotions under the same guarded calm her son held.

"You weren't a dream," were his first quiet words to her.

She folded her hands in her lap. She could play this game too. "No."

He moved his tray table to the side and pulled the covers tighter around his waist. His hair was a little longer than the recent pictures Katherine had gotten a hold of through her private investigator. Without the gel matting his hair down, his natural curls were coming back. It reminded her strongly of when he had first left her.

Suddenly he sighed and shifted in his bed to turn to her. "This is worse than a blind date."

Those words seemed to open the flood gate within her.

"I don't know what you were expecting by hiding out in New York. Of course I would come, even if it does upset what life you built here. I didn't want to smother you and force you to come home after... what happened. But I certainly did not expect a call from some strange black man telling me my son is dying." Barney opened his mouth speak. She held up her hand to stop him. He closed his mouth, his lips pressed in a thin line and he let her continue. "I know you needed to find yourself and wanted time to figure everything out. I didn't expect to watch you leave and not see you for over ten years."

"What do you want from me, Mom? I just wanted to.. move on. Push past that part of my life. I didn't need to dwell on what-ifs or what could have been. I can't.. It just.." he trailed off. His guarded expression was beginning to crack under the strain. Katherine didn't like pushing him like this but her son needed to open up. It has been far too long since he had really spoken to anyone and if there was one thing she was good at, it was getting him to talk to her even if he hated to.

"I might not know much about your life here, sweetie, but I'm not clueless. Your friends barely know you, and you haven't even tried to speak to anyone about Charles." Katherine reached over and grabbed his hand, holding it between her own. He looked down at their hands, his eyes showing the emotions he had been hiding from her. "I want that person to be me because I feel like a stranger to you, more now than I ever have. But your friends--they really care even if they don't know you. Speak to at least one of them, please. Listen to me for once, Douglas, and don't question me."

"Mom..."

Katherine leaned over and gave him a large, comforting hug.

Barney turned his face to hide it in her shoulder and hugged her weakly back. None of his friends were around, he could let his guard down and truly hug her like he did before he left. "I'm sorry," he mumbled into her scrubs. "I missed you."

She hugged him as tight as she dared, still mindful of his condition. "I missed you too. I would appreciate more calls and letters than once a year, and I want to be kept updated on your life here," she said, kissing his cheek.

Katherine had tears in her eyes but they didn't fall. There were no words for what she felt as she held him in her arms once again. She could still get to know her son. She had time to get to know him now as the man he had become. He was going to be alright and survive as long as his friends stood by him, she was sure of it.

"Where's Dad?"

She released him and sat back down in the chair. She didn't let go of his hand as she said, "He's been with God for quite some time."

His eyes became wide and a little watery. "When?"

"Two years ago this fall. His health was failing him for several years until he passed away in his sleep." Katherine sighed and then kissed his hand. "I know your father loved you very much Doogie, even if he disagreed with what happened in Europe. He regretted the last time you two talked but he never worked up the courage to find you and apologize."

"I don't need it," he said after a moment. "Dad can keep it. What he said to me... Mom, I loved him but I'm not sorry for breaking off contact with him. I always admired him but what he did really broke something in me..."

"Doogie--"

"Barney. I'm Barney Stinson. I'm not going to give up James or my life here to be Doogie Howser again." His blue eyes had hardened once more as he looked at her. It nearly broke her heart to see that expression directed at her but Katherine knew it was because she had brought up the subject of his father. She knew it was a touchy subject, she just didn't know how touchy. What exactly had they said to each other to cause such an extreme reaction?

Kathrine nodded, her chest tightening. "Alright, Barney. He's written a letter for you if you ever want to read it. If you ever feel ready, I have it for you in a safe deposit box." She stood and let go of his hand. She leaned over to kiss his cheek again. "I love you, sweetie. Please remember my advice."

Before she left the room, she heard a quiet, "I will, Mom."

**October 1996**

_There was some commotion at the gate. A guy was shouting and screaming about his seat and at first Doogie thought it might be Vinnie. He pushed through the crowd only to find him face to face with a very tall, very angry Italian man, who had pushed the air hostess into the wall._

_"Hey!" Doogie found himself shouting, before the rational part of his mind could kick in and tell him not to get involved. "Hey, you shouldn't do that!"_

_He glanced to his side and saw that Vinnie was there, staring at him and shaking his head wildly._

_When the man turned around, Doogie realized why and he didn't know which scared him more: The snub-nosed gun the man held in a shaking grip or the look of twisted hatred in his eyes._

_"Whatta you sayin'?" The man shouted, waving the gun randomly. There were screams and people dived out of the way._

_Doogie held up his hands and took a step back. He knew instantly what he needed to do - he'd done it before, after all. With Raymond... Doogie understood this man, understood that he was scared and angry but he wouldn't shoot. Not if someone just talked to him and reassured him._

_"Hey man… No… I just think you need to calm down, okay?" Doogie said, keeping his tone even and maintaining eye contact. He could see Vinnie out of the corner of his eye. His friend looked pale but reasonably calm. Even now, Vinnie trusted him. Vinnie always believed that Doogie knew what he was doing. "Just put the gun down. You might hurt someone!"_

_"What, you mean… like this?" The man yelled, and fired._

_Then time slowed down - seconds stretching out into minutes. The whole time Doogie felt as though he could have stopped the man at any time, that if he'd just moved faster, reacted more quickly, he could have pushed him or caught his arm or something._

_The bullet whizzed past his ear and slammed in to the person standing beside him, covering him with a spray of blood. Doogie turned as the man next to him swayed, then fell backwards. Time was like treacle, his own yell slowed and hollow, like an old record playing at the wrong speed. He tried to yell, tried to save Charles as his body crumpled, half his face blown away by the bullet. There was blood… too much blood… his lover, his friend, was dead before he hit the ground._

_But Doogie fell to his knees beside him, his hands over Charles's empty eye-socket, all his years of training denied in an instant as the blood pumped over his fingers in great gouts. Everything went silent for a brief instant then the sound was turned back on, assaulting his ears with a cacophony of screaming and hysteria._

_"No… No no no no no…" he kept saying, feeling something wet on his cheeks. This wasn't supposed to happen! Doogie turned, wrenching his body around until he yelled at the man with the gun. "NO!" He gulped, his voice cracking. "Please, you've got to stop. Please…"_

_"You. Will. Stop. Talking!" The man looked him in the eye, lifted the gun and fired indiscriminately into the crowd. _

* * *

"Get his autograph," Marshall hissed. Ted batted at him with his were standing in the waiting room, peering through the glass partition at the man who was standing at the reception desk a few feet away.

"Dude! _No_!" But he couldn't help letting out a giggle. "It's not him."

"It's him! It's Delpino! Oh my God, Ted, it's Vincent freakin' Delpino!" Marshall was practically quivering.

"What's he doing here in New York?" Ted's mouth was dry. He knew that if they didn't find some excuse to go up and talk to the Hollywood director, they'd always regret it.

"I've no idea. Maybe he's making a movie? But man, Barney's going to flip when he hears…"

They looked at each other. It was weird how there were always these moments, moments when they'd forget…

"Hey!" Ted said, swallowing hard. "Hey, do you think we could ask him about that? You know, that video we found? If he does know Barney, you know, when they were kids… He might like to know that Barney's in here, in this hospital?"

Marshall shook his head. "Dude, we can't just go up to him and say that! That's, like, deeply personal stuff!"

Ted sagged, deflated.

"I'm going to get his autograph!" Marshall said, and he'd pushed forward before Ted could stop him.

However, before they'd got a few feet, they saw that Delpino had been intercepted by Mrs. Howser, Barney's real mother.

They both stumbled to a halt, awkwardly trying not to eavesdrop on the two's conversation.

"Why Mrs. Howser!" Delplino said charmingly, bowing his head and taking her hand to kiss it. "Still such a beautiful woman."

The lady smiled and laughed. "Vinnie, you young charmer!"

"Not so young any more, Mrs H."

"Oh, you'll always be that little boy climbing through my son's window to me…"

Ted and Marshall shot each other a look. "Yes!" Marshall whispered. "I knew it!"

Mrs Howser looked sad. "Thank you for coming, Vincent. It really means a lot to me."

Delpino shrugged. "Least I can do. Though I doubt Doog'll thank me for it."

Mrs Howser sighed. "All I can ask is that you do your best." Her voice dropped so that Ted and Marshall could barely hear her. "I'm surrounded by strangers who seem to know my son far better than I do. I'm a little scared, truth be told. It's just comforting to have someone here that I can trust."

Delpino put his hand on her arm and they suddenly seemed to notice Ted and Marshall loitering. Ted's voice cracked as he waved at them, trying to sound casual. "Hello!" Marshall was struck dumb beside him.

"Hello Ted," Barney's Mom said. "Vincent, this is Ted. And Marshall. Two of my son's friends here in New York."

Delpino stuck out his hand and Ted shook it, numbly. Marshall made a strangled noise beside him.

"I'm-I'm sorry Mr. Delpino, we're just huge fans!" Ted said.

"Hey, call me Vinnie," Delpino said with a certain swagger, taking Marshall's limp hand and shaking it.

"Mmmmmnnngh!" Marshall said, inarticulately.

"If you'll excuse me, I've got a patient to visit!" Delpino said brightly, kissed Mrs. Howser on the cheek and left with a wave.

All three of them watched him go.

"Wow…" Marshall exhaled.

"I know…" Ted said. "Vincent Delpino does know Barney."

"I'm never washing my hand again."

* * *

Dressed in hospital scrubs and wearing a face mask, Vinnie stepped into the isolated clean room and shut the door behind him. He needed privacy because he doubted with the way that "Barney" hid his past he would want them all to know something as deeply personal as the things he was going to talk about.

He turned around to look at the figure lying in the bed. He licked his suddenly dry lips and just breathed, taking in the sight. A very skinny blond guy was attached to all the monitoring equipment and his heart beat was keeping a nice, steady pace in time with his own heart. His skin was pale and very weak-looking but he was probably better than he had been for a while. He instantly recognized him as Doogie and would have known even if he didn't already have that information from Mrs. Howser.

It was like he was six all over again, staring at his friend in the bed and wondering when they were going to play hide and seek with the nurses.

"Hey Howser."

Barney didn't turn to look or answer him. It was probably just as well. Vinnie wasn't sure he could talk if this sudden stranger tried to say anything to him. He just wanted to get this over with and move on with his life.

"Or Stinson. I guess. They told me you changed your name. Look--I know you probably hate my guts and you've been pissed at me all this time and I get that. I can be a jerk but so can you, Howser."

Vinnie walked further into the room, suddenly deciding he needed to sit down. This was a lot more awkward than he thought this was going to be. Barney had finally turned to look at him. There was a small spark of anger forming in his eyes. Vinnie reached to scratch his own chin under the mask. He was so nervous he felt like he was breaking out in hives.

"You act like you're the wounded guy but the fact is you got me shot. I was in the hospital for weeks and you didn't even leave me a fucking card."

"Do you remember what you said to me _Vinnie_," Barney said suddenly, his lip curled into a sneer. The sudden familiarity with his name was a little jarring. "You said you couldn't stand to be next to a faggot, and you wouldn't let me get near you."

Vinnie narrowed his eyes and folded his arms. "Oh, so now you twist the truth to your own needs? I see how this is Howser. You're the one who decided that the world was crapping on your gay parade and disappeared. I had no part in that."

"No. No, Vinnie." Barney shook his head a tiny bit. His face getting redder with anger. "You can't just come in here and expect me to welcome you back with open arms when you still shove that homophobic crap in my face."

No one in the world could bring up so many mixed up emotions in Vinnie than the other man lying in the isolated clean room. He spent the last several years trying to move past that moment in the airport. He had hated Doogie for a very long time and bitterly resented him for the way he had just run away from his problems. But nothing steamed him more than this moment with "Barney Stinson" trying to act like the wounded party and claim that everything was his fault. It took a great effort for Vinnie to calm himself down.

Barney didn't want to have this conversation just as much as Vinnie didn't want to have it.

Barney's sudden revelation made Vinnie pause and the nervousness he felt dissipated. He realized that getting angry and storming out of the room is exactly what Barney wanted him to do.

Vinnie sat back in the chair, raising an eyebrow at Barney. "I don't know about you, but I'm dying to get out of here. In fact, I bet that's what you want. You want me gone so you can go back to pretending your friends will forget all about the secrets in your life. If I leave, those questions will still need to be answered eventually."

Barney turned away from him, glaring at the wall.

Vinnie was making progress. At least, he hoped he was getting through to him. All he wanted to do was apologize and get out of the room as fast as possible.

"I'm sorry."

Shocked, Barney looked over at him again.

"I grew up. When you were gone, I mean. It's something I need to deal with in Hollywood since the majority of people in my field of interest are not always just for the ladies, if you know what I mean. Don't get me wrong, you hiding your relationship with Charles hurt me, and I'm not going to say I'm totally okay with how things happened. But I'm a little older and willing to be more open minded. Anyway, that's all I wanted to say." Vinnie got up out of his chair and turned away from the bed. "I kind of miss my best bud, and my film premieres aren't as fun without your commentary."

"Wait." Vinnie glanced back to see Barney looking at him with an unreadable expression, his hand stretched out to his old friend. "Can we start over?"

Vinnie walked over to Barney and shook the hand that was offered. "Vincent Delpino, famous Hollywood filmmaker."

"Barney Stinson, too awesome for a title. Huge fan of the Delpino films. I have all your work on bootleg DVDs."

Vinnie laughed, sitting back down. The pressure to leave didn't feel as thick between them now. He was under no illusion that everything was okay but it certainly didn't feel like it was getting worse. He could probably ignore the fact that Doogie or Barney, or whatever he wanted to call himself these days, was not going to say sorry about getting him shot.

"So… that black guy who contacted Mrs. H, James. He seems really affectionate with you. Is he your new lover?"

Barney's face contorted in disgust like he ate something really sour. "What? God no! He's my brother."

"Doog, I hate to be the one to point this out to you…"

"He's Barney's brother. My sort of adopted brother."

"I'm not following you," Vinnie said. "But, I suppose the point is James isn't gay."

There was a long pause, and then Barney started to tug at the threads in his blanket and not quite looking at him. "Actually..."

"So he is."

"James is my _brother_. That would be disgusting!"

"Then does that mean you're not homosexual anymore?"

"Because I'm not engaging in incest?" Barney rolled his eyes. "I don't know where you got it in your head that being gay means being involved in mass sodomy. I suppose I am still somewhat attracted to guys, just like I always had been, even before Europe. Besides, we've already gone over this. I'm not homosexual; I'm bisexual."

"That's just code for homo."

"No, it's not. I still like women. As a matter of fact I'm deeply in love with one in particular."

Life seemed so complicated suddenly. Getting really confused, Vinnie folded his arms. "So… you're straight?"

"For Christ's sake Vinnie! Why is this so difficult for you to understand?!"  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**October 1996**

_Doogie was on his hands and knees, his hands trembling as he tried to keep the pressure on the wound in Vinnie's side. His friend had been caught twice - once in the upper thigh and once just below his ribs. Doogie ignored the gunman, concentrating on Vinnie, knowing that if he was going to be shot, it was all over anyway. He had nothing left to lose. Charles was dead and Vinnie was dying. He had nothing left to lose._

_"Vin…" He said, patting Vinnie's cold, pale cheek. "Please Vin, stay with me." He swallowed and took a deep breath, ripping off his sweater and wrapping it tightly round Vinnie's thigh. He knew that Vinnie had no time. He needed proper medical attention now. What he didn't need was a burned out teenage ex-doctor who was about as useless it was possible to be. He pressed down again on Vinnie's torso, biting his lip. The world could go to hell around him. He'd not try and talk to the gunman again._

_The minutes went by like hours, with Doogie pleading and cajoling Vinnie while people died around him. There were more shots over his head and he didn't even duck. He just stayed with Vinnie, stayed by him with his hands in his guts as if he could physically hold the life in him. Eventually someone dragged him away, someone wearing white and Doogie was left, standing amongst the carnage. He didn't move until someone led him away. He didn't speak until a cop asked him what happened. And then all he would say was to ask if he could see Vinnie. They didn't let him see Vinnie. They wanted to talk to him about the "terrorist". Doogie had never before considered the etymology of the word. Someone who spreads terror?_

_All Doogie could feel was numb._

_When they finally let him see Vinnie, it was somehow worse. Vinnie's hard words, his hatred, it all poured out of him and Doogie could do very little except stand there and absorb it. Yes, he deserved everything. Yes, he was standing there healthy and smug (in Vinnie's words) while his best friend was on a gurney with bullets in him. If he wasn't so wrapped up with being a gay-wad (in Vinnie's words) he would never have got them into this situation._

_In the end, Doogie felt he was filled up with words, with terror, with hatred and it was leaking out of the top of his head. He turned around and left Vinnie, mid-rant, and walked out of the hospital, still covered in his friend's blood, his lover's blood. He had nothing on him except his passport, a few dollars and a ticket to New York. He hailed a cab to back to the airport, empty-eyed and empty-hearted._

_New York… An ocean away. If he flew far enough, perhaps he could feel something again?_


	21. Chapter 21

Robin settled down on the sofa, glass of wine in hand and hit the remote control. She'd been dying to watch the DVD ever since the package had arrived but when she read the note: "For your eyes only, Scherbatsky" she'd decided to wait until Ted had gone out. It was his third date - must be getting pretty serious?

She supposed they both should go back to dating now everything was getting back to normal. She made a face at the TV screen. Nothing was really back to normal.

Trouble was, she still felt terrified something would happen. Either Barney would get really sick again (because nothing the doctors told them ever seemed to completely work out) or he'd shut down on them again. She didn't trust James and she didn't trust that weird prim button-down woman that claimed to be Barney's Mom. They all seemed to be hurting him, digging up stuff that was best left hidden. She understood that. She'd never pester him to reveal all his secrets.

But _Ted__,_ of course… She could literally kill Ted sometimes. _Literally_. She might have known that he'd be so insensitive as to wade into the hospital practically the hour after Barney's transfusion and demand to know every detail of his past life. She knew she should have kicked Ted out of the hospital and gone and seen Barney herself.

Robin's thoughts were interrupted by the DVD flickering to life. The image was garish and fuzzy, like an old VHS tape. It was a commercial of some kind with an MTV logo in the corner. At first she didn't pay attention as she thought that whatever Barney had taped for her would come on after the commercial. It was only after a few seconds that her brain caught up with her eyes and she realized what she was seeing.

Was that…? No, it couldn't be!

It was! She spit out her wine, the warm liquid dribbling down her chin to splash on to her white vest top. "Crap!" She exclaimed, dabbing frantically at her stain while pausing the DVD. The image froze on a close up of a teenage boy dressed in a terrible faux-Doctor's coat - 80's style with shoulder-pads. They probably thought this was cool in the 80s. He had an earring and everything.

She started laughing.

She started laughing and she couldn't stop.

There were about ten promo videos on the DVD - the last couple being weirdly off-putting and not at all in keeping with the style of the rest. There was a note scrawled on the DVD case. "Sorry about the last few. Artistic differences. B."

She watched the DVD again.

She drank a lot of wine.

She watched the DVD a few dozen times until her sides ached from laughing.

"Oh Barney…" Robin choked on her wine again, the liquid filling her nose.

On the fifteenth viewing, it occurred to her that Robin Sparkles would probably have thought Doctor Doogie was hot.

On the twentieth viewing she actually questioned if she didn't even remember the advertisement from when she was a teenager. She had watched a hell of a lot of MTV.

On the twenty-fifth viewing, she took the DVD out of the player, worried that Ted might come home and catch her.

At midnight, Robin watched it again, laughing as hard as she had the first time she saw it.

_Priceless, Barney Stinson_, she thought, _totally priceless_.

She smiled as she drained the last of the wine. And as she carefully hid the DVD case in her dresser, she resolved to have a talk with Ted. There was no way she was losing Barney again. No way! Ted was just going to have to deal with that insatiable curiosity of his.

Barney deserved to keep his secrets.

* * *

What Barney hated, more than anything else in the world, was this feeling of being trapped. Now that something had loosened up inside him, now that he could communicate with the outside world, this meant that he was living in constant fear of recrimination - from James, from his friends, from his Mom. At least with the cancer, everyone had left him alone when he'd asked them too. Well, most of the time! He could take their cloying sympathy, he could take their grief. He couldn't take this feeling of guilt that he'd hurt everyone he loved.

Again.

He'd never felt so alone.

Barney wondered, when they released him, what his life would be like. James would support him, he knew that now. Even Vinnie and his Mom seemed to be on the way to forgiving him. But the people that mattered most to him, the friends that Barney Stinson had managed to make throughout his short, pathetic little life, those people probably hated him. Ted hated him. Well, he didn't understand him. He didn't understand how Barney could lie to them all like that.

If Barney was truthful, even _he_ didn't understand it.

Oh, he could play games with the nurses and fool the doctors and distract himself in the hours and hours of waiting, but eventually there would be _questions_ and the flood gates would open up and he knew he'd never be able to explain how it felt, that night ten years before when he'd stood on a bridge and wanted to end his own life.

How he _had_ ended his own life.

How he'd killed Doctor Doogie Howser.

Barney knew that Ted and Robin and Lily and Marshall all wanted to talk to him. They wanted to berate him, cajole him, interrogate him. They wanted to reach inside him and pull out all the pain and fear and self-loathing and _understand_ him. Because if they couldn't understand him then how could they forgive him?

Barney had never mourned the death of Doogie Howser. But he mourned the death of the friendships he'd made. These last few months he'd been staggered by the selflessness of his friends and of Ted and Robin in particular. How relentlessly they'd tried to help him, even to live for him. How hard he'd fought them!

How stupid and selfish and thoughtless and, let's face it, how much of a _dick_ had he been to them?

Yet still they'd stood by him.

They deserved answers. If only he had any to give them. If Barney could find the reasons, he'd give them up in an instant. If he understood his own soul, he'd try and bare it. But he didn't and he couldn't and because of that he'd lose them.

So here he was, trapped in a hospital bed, still on a regime of drugs, still waiting for his world to end although his body didn't seem to want to give up so easily now.

The clock was ticking. It was five minutes to midnight. Slowly but surely, all his friends would visit him and all his friends would see him for what he was and…

"Barney?" Robin was hovering at the door. It was a relief to see her dressed like a regular person, not shrouded in a gown and mask. In some ways, leaving the clean room had been like being reborn into a new and terrifying world where all the rules had changed while he'd lay there, not-dying.

Barney smiled at her, uncertainly. He didn't want it all to end. He didn't want Barney Stinson's life to end. He _liked_ Barney Stinson's life. He liked Barney Stinson's friends. Why did she have to come? Perhaps if he asked the nurses not to allow any visitors, he could postpone the inevitable?

Robin beamed at him and sat down by his bed. She chuckled, that warm, dirty laugh that brought a lump to his throat and stroked his forearm, her fingers tickling the sensitive skin.

"I can't believe you sent me this…" She said, grinning. She pulled a DVD disk from her purse and turned it around in her hands, letting it catch the light.

He smiled sadly. It had seemed like the right thing to do, somehow. "Well, you showed me your most embarrassing teenage moment. Quid pro bro, Scherbatsky."

She giggled. "I've never laughed so much. It's… it's just… There are no words!" She covered her mouth. God she was beautiful.

He looked away, smirking. "You know it."

"Don't worry, I didn't show the others. You never told anyone about Sandcastles, after all. But seriously, Ted would literally pee his pants if I showed him this!"

Barney rolled his eyes. "You may mock me, Robin. But those adverts made me a rock star… for about three weeks! I used to get mobbed at work every day. I had to wear a disguise and everything…"

Robin tilted her head, lacing her fingers through his. "Work… that's so odd to think of you working. That you really were a doctor at such a young age. I still can't really believe it."

He closed his eyes and held his breath. This was it, the beginning of the end. He felt her fingers slip away from his.

He sighed and gave her a lopsided grin. "Yeah, neither can I, sometimes. It was a lifetime of awesome away."

She ran a hand through his hair, smiling at him, kindly. "A genius… kid doctor… tv star… Is there anything you can't do, Barney Stinson?"

He winced slightly at the way she said it. He frowned. He thought he might have told her that he loved her, back when his life had been slipping away like sand through an hourglass. He hoped that she'd put that down to the drugs.

He felt tired, suddenly. Tired of game playing and hiding and fighting and all the layers and layers between him and the world.

"I can't turn back time and fix my past mistakes no matter how many times I've dreamed I could." He took a deep breath and released it slowly. His mind was trying to craft the sentences in a way that would keep him from spilling all his pain and frustration onto Robin. She didn't deserve to see him crash and break in front of her. He didn't want to show her how ugly he could be inside when he wasn't hiding.

"There was this guy, this guy with a gun at the airport… and I couldn't keep my mouth shut..."

Robin's eyes widened in surprise. She squeezed his hand, encouraging him to continue without commenting or asking him anything.

"I met Charles in London. He was exciting and frustrating and passionate and he made me feel scared and exhilarated and…" He gulped. The memory was all so vivid. He remembered listening to Vinnie's wheezing breaths, remembered his hands both covered in slick blood but there were no gloves or hospital scrubs to protect him. He didn't even know if he was talking out loud or just thinking until Robin squeezed his arm. "I watched my lover killed in front of me and my best friend shot down and there was nothing I could do."

"Oh Barney…" She said. She looked angry - not at him, but at the world. "Oh… wow."

He lay there, surprised, dazed, not really sure if anything he'd said would make any sense to her. He felt some of the tension he had been carrying for years on his shoulders ease up a tiny fraction. He'd finally told a truth after years of lying and hiding the truth about himself. It felt good, but it also scared him. He was exposed. He felt as exposed as he did when Vinnie caught Charles and him in the theater.

"It was only Charles, just him. I never..." Robin looked at him quizzically. "I guess I'm bisexual. I mean, I _was_, I guess..."

The two of them sat in silence for a moment.

Barney didn't want to speak, he felt like he had nothing else he could add without exposing more of himself.

"Do you have a thing for Ted?" She asked playfully. "Because I've always been suspicious of you two."

Robin shifted in her chair, moving from the serious moment to a more playful expression. She was letting the serious tone fade away, releasing him from trying to deal with any more painful memories.

Barney shook his head emphatically. "No, Robin… No! God. He's my bro. These days, I'm all about the ladies."

She giggled. "Really? Not even a little bit? I mean, he's _Ted_, you know?"

Barney narrowed his eyes. "Scherbatsky, do you have a secret fantasy about me and Ted?" He wouldn't put it past her and from the way her cheeks colored, he guessed it wasn't just him admitting to some deep, dark sexual secret.

"No!" She replied but her giggle gave her away. "All right, I have, a bit." She squeezed his bicep, lowering her voice to a whisper. "You know, I've never been in a three-way…" She leaned in, whispering in his ear. "Remember that story I told you, while you were sick, about the two guys?"

He gulped, eyes wide. "Robin Scherbatsky, you slut!"

She laughed. "You're thinking about it, admit it."

He laughed, nervously. "Robin, I'm just recovering from _cancer_. How do you know that everything still works?"

Robin spluttered. "Stop it! You're killing me."

"Do you really want a three-way? With Ted?" He asked her, still in shock, if he was honest with himself, the thought made him confused and jealous.

"Maybe," she teased him. "Maybe after we get to act out some of those other stories I told you?"

He gave her a wary look. "So, you still want to be my wingwoman?"

She rolled her eyes. "You know, for a genius, you really are dumb sometimes," she tapped him playfully on the arm. "Don't make me say it."

"Say what?" He said, innocently.

Robin let out an exasperated sigh. "I so wish I could kiss you right now."

Throwing caution to the wind Barney took her shoulders and pulled her close to him.

"We really shouldn't," Robin whispered once their faces were mere inches apart.

"Risk it," Barney whispered back, before pulling her into a gentle kiss.

"You better stay healthy Howser-Stinson," Robin snapped the second they pulled away "If that turned out to be the kiss of death I'll never forgive myself."

"But it would be wonderfully poetic. After all this, Barney Stinson gets killed by love. You've got to admit that would be pretty awesome."

"Don't you dare!" said Robin smacking him gently across the head, but she still leaned forward to give him one more kiss.

"I love you too," she whispered so quietly that he almost missed it.

For a moment he didn't feel so alone.


	22. Chapter 22

**January, 2009 **

Barney was finally going home today. He was leaving the hospital and returning to his own apartment for good, for the first time in nine months. Ted and Robin had offered to have him continue staying with them until he fully recovered but after what had happened he couldn't bear the thought of spending that much time with them. He wasn't sure if they wanted to either; it was likely that the offer was done more out of politeness than true sincerity. Instead James was going to be staying with him until his doctors decided he was well enough to live on his own. Barney told his friends that the reason he agreed to this plan was because James felt bad that he wasn't able to look after him when he'd first gotten sick.

So he was taken aback when Ted, Marshall, Lily and Robin all showed up at his hospital room at the time he was expecting James.

"After everything we've been through this year we had to be the ones to see you out, dude. It's symbolic. Besides James has to pick up a ton of stuff from the store since you've got so few things at your place," said Marshall.

"I hope you don't mind?" Ted asked awkwardly. It was clear that he was fully aware of the real reason Barney didn't want to stay with them.

"Sure," Barney said, trying his best to sound casual. "Can I not be taken out in that wheelchair you brought? It would be even more symbolic if I walked out."

"Whatever you want, Barney," Lily said gently.

They had all been tiptoeing around him and being exceedingly gentle with him for the last few weeks. He was now being treated as though he was just as fragile mentally as he had been physically. Maybe he was, but he certainly didn't want them thinking that.

"Guys? I-I know this whole things been pretty confusing," he said slowly "So, I'm going to let you ask me three questions about… you know. I can't guarantee I'll be able to answer them, but I'll do my best."

"Just three questions? And then that's all we'll get?" asked Marshall.

"I'm not sure," said Barney honestly.

"So… the story of how you transformed into awesome Barney you told us during game night?" asked Marshall.

"I more or less made it up."

"Then what about the tape of you singing the rainbow song?"

"That was a comedic video that I made with that Shannon chick and other theatrical people in Europe. I freaked out when Lily had the tape because of... other things that were on there."

"What else was on it?" asked Ted eagerly.

A manic grin spread across his face. "_That_ is a story for another time, Theodore. I've answered two, you guys have one more."

"Why did you try to kill yourself all those years ago?" Ted burst out the question that was burning on everyone's minds.

"Dude!" Marshall hissed. Barney tried his best not to let it upset him. He told himself that it was just Ted being Ted, that sometimes he just couldn't help himself. He said nothing, but he stole a glance at Robin and she smiled at him reassuringly. He knew she'd keep his secret.

A deep and awkward silence followed this. It looked as though opening up the floor for questions was a bad idea.

"Come on sweetie, let's leave this place for good," said Lily, finally breaking the silence. She took him by the hand and led him out the door.

As they all walked out together Barney caught sight of himself in the mirror. He was wearing a sweater and jeans, but his hair was once again gelled and styled. This person looking back at him couldn't really be classified as Barney or Doogie. He didn't know who he was.

It was a struggle to get himself to take that last step out the door, knowing that while he came in as Barney Stinson he wasn't sure if he was leaving as him. Once he left the safe confines of the hospital and went into the real world there was no going back.

**End**


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